Rhyme or Reason
by Trinity Is God
Summary: The more I think about things, the more I see no rhyme or reason to life, no one knows why some things work out and some things don't. The Cohens, Plus 1, are forced through huge life altering decisions.
1. Just The Flu

Authors Note: I've been doing what little research there is on this subject to come, to make this story seem realistic as possible, please bear with me for it. Standard disclaimers apply for every chapter. Please RR. I can't stress that enough! Okay, (sigh and smile) here goes nothing…

_-_

"_Love does not end just because you stop seeing each other."  
"That's not my kind of love."  
"Maybe there is no other kind."_

_-The End of the Affair. _

She woke up in the middle of the night again, covered in a slick sweat. She couldn't remember if she had a nightmare, she didn't think she had but lately her memory was vague. Her body was physically and emotionally exhausted. She trembled.

She quietly slipped out of her bed, the room teetering. She slowly made it to her bathroom and sat against the cool tile, willing her stomach to cooperate. Her nightgown was clinging to her body tightly because of the sweat. She shivered again. She felt her stomach lurch and she lifted the lid, and held on, that was all she could do through the heaves. Her body ached, her head ached, the room spun, and she was just so exhausted.

She finished finally, and turned the shower on, stepping out of her damp gown, listening as it slid to the ground with a sickening splat, and slipped under the spray reveling in its warmth.

This was going to another long night.

She managed to make it through without another incident, but she hadn't slept much. She had tossed and turned the night away, and when she finally did sleep for maybe two hours, she woke up sweating again.

Coming down the stairs, dressed and ready for work she was relieved that she looked fine, felt decent, and only had a little headache. Maybe she was kicking this thing after all.

Sandy was leaning against his usual spot on the counter, tie loose, hair askew and a smile on his face. He was sipping his coffee watching Seth babble on incessantly about Summer, while Ryan, nose deep in a textbook nodded and said "Uh huh," on occasion. He had probably heard that story a hundred times. She breezed in and got herself a cup of coffee and a soft kiss on the cheek from Sandy.

He noticed instantly. "You feel okay?"

"Yeah, I'm just tired," she forced a smile.

Ryan looked at her, than to Sandy, then back to her and continued to read.

Seth continued his babble, never missing a beat in saying "Hello mother, my you look spiffy this morning."

"Thanks sweetie," she said fixing her coffee and leaning against Sandy to focus on Seth's unremitting chatter with a smile on her face.

Kirsten Cohen placed her warm forehead on the coolness of her desk. Putting her head down managed to stop the room from spinning so much. She closed her eyes, praying for just five minutes of rest. Five minutes to where the room didn't spin, or even spin as fast, and the headache would just go away.

She had again managed to not wake Sandy up the night before, launching herself out of bed making it to the bathroom just in time where she clung to the toilet. She heaved until she thought she was going to pass out and was amazed that she hadn't. She was covered in sweat and her body shook. She ran water over her face, cooling the intense heat radiating from the skin. She looked like hell, dark circles around her eyes, her face looking drawn and pale. She must have the flu, it had been going around and her father had just recovered from it. Somehow she managed to stagger back into bed without him knowing.

"Kiki, I'm going to need those plans. Do you have them ready?" Caleb Nichol strode in her office and frowned. His daughter looked like hell.

"You feel okay Kiki? Is Sandman beating you? I would be more than glad to take him out," he gave her a dark grin.

She gave him a 'look.' "No dad I'm just tired."

He studied her. Her face looked thinner than normal, dark circles were accenting the normally bright blue eyes, even they were dull and glazed looking.

"Have you eaten today?"

"Yeah," even though it was only some toast and crackers. Whatever she could keep from coming back up she was happy with.

She handed them the latest model home plans. Even that was an effort and her hand shook.

He frowned. "Maybe you should take the rest of the day off."

"I'm fine dad, I just have a little headache."

"Okay then," he kissed her cheek before striding out of her office and she collapsed again on her desk.

"Please someone shoot me now," she mumbled to no one in particular.

She decided afterwards she was going to go home early from work and take up that offer her dad threw out there for her.

The dull throb in her head was enough to make her decision and to top it off her body ached like she had been playing tackle football. A dull pain was in her back, and her legs ached in a constant slow thump.

She was nauseous even though she had only eaten a bagel that morning, toast and crackers for lunch.

Driving home was a struggle in its own self. Her exhaustion made her just want to fall asleep at the wheel even though she didn't have a far drive.

She managed to make it to the couch before she collapsed, her head thumping heartily with the effort it took to drag her body to the piece of furniture. The couch had never felt so wonderful in all its years here. Her body seemed to mold to the comfortable cushions and she didn't think she could get up if she tried.

'_What the hells wrong with me?'_ she thought before silently placing a hand over her face, blocking out all incoming light.

The flu had indeed been going around but this was more than the flu or at least it felt like it. '_Maybe it was the super-flu like the Stephen King book The Stand_,' she smiled wistfully at the thought. She and Sandy had read that book together; he would read the gross parts and summarize them for her because she got the creeps when she read the book.

"_It just makes me feel, gross, like icky, like I'm sick or going to get sick."_

_He raised an eyebrow, "Icky? Kirsten, it's supposed to make you feel gross it's about the flu. How many books do you know about the flu that make you feel good?" He looked at her with an expression of amusement._

_She hit his arm softly, "You know what I mean."_

"_Well if you feel icky we can go take a shower!" _

_It was her turn to raise the eyebrow, "Hmm really now?"_

"_Yes, really now!" He had a grin on his face that could stretch to china. _

"_I'll have to think about it," she teased him._

_He pouted. Then his face lit up like a kid at Christmas. He picked her up over his shoulder and carried her up the steps to the shower, listening to her yell that "This isn't fair, Sanford Cohen!"_

"_Honey I love when you use my whole name, sounds so sexy," he laughed._

_She reached down and smacked his butt. Hard. It was the only thing within reach._

_He turned the water on and actually put her in the shower with her clothes on. Before she had time to protest or get out, he kissed her deeply, silencing her complaints. Yeah, he made it worth it that day._

That was a good memory. They didn't nearly read together as much as they used to do. She should get up, go drink some water, or take a shower, and then take some Tylenol or some sort of pain reliever anything to stop the pain that ran through her forehead like a freight train. But those thoughts took up energy and getting off the couch took up energy. In fact when she reached up behind her to pull the blanket down over her now freezing body that seemed to take all the energy she had, just moving her arm. She pulled the blanket down around her body the best she could. Her teeth were chattering, and her body shuddered against her will.

'_Maybe a nap, it'll go away, I'll feel well enough to function,' _she thought.

She wanted a hot bath, and sleep, and Sandy. She wanted heat and the comfort that her only her husband could give her.

He always took care of her when she was sick, and just the general comfort of Sandy was enough to calm her down in her most ill moments. Now granted she almost broke his hand while she was having contractions with Seth, but still his presence was calming.

Normally she would have yelled for him to come sit with her while she was throwing up last night, but in truth she was scared herself, and she really didn't have the opportunity to yell. It wasn't normal sickness if there was such a thing: she had been vomiting heavily. Her body shook and she literally HAD to hold on to the toilet for support. She was surprised she hadn't woken Sandy up she knew she wasn't the least bit quiet, and the way she dragged her sluggish body to and from the bed wasn't exactly tip-toe quiet either. Her body hurt when she was done and it physically ached like someone had hit her with a sledgehammer in her stomach and shoulders. Underneath her arms hurt too.

Her stomach, which had taken to playing soccer, happened to get rid of its contents earlier in the week too and that's the one of the reasons why she didn't wake him. He would be worried and hounding her to go the doctor. There was no need when it was just the flu.

She had also gotten sick Monday and Wednesday morning at the office, though those weren't half as bad. Maybe because during the night she had gotten rid of most of what she had eaten during the day.

Maybe something was really wrong…

She groaned as she rolled her weak body over on its side, and her shaky lead hand covered herself the best she could before she succumbed to the welcome realm of sleep.

She was still passed out on the couch when he came home. He had called her cell but she hadn't answered it. He had called the house phone too but no answer there either.

When he crept over to the couch he kneeled down in front of her, placing a cool hand on her forehead before he tucked a piece of hair behind her ears. Her eyes fluttered, she struggled to focus and then managed a smile when she saw he was home.

He leaned down and gentle placed a kiss on her temple, "Hey gorgeous."

"Hey," she whispered.

"You feeling okay?" He was concerned.

"Mmm, I'm just tired," she offered and he accepted but continued to look at her with love and worry. '_Just tired, and sore.' _

"You're home early," she commented, yawning.

"Yeah, my court date was canceled," he was frustrated as he ran a hand through his hair then he started pulling off his tie.

She stretched slowly and noted that her headache had faded and she was no longer queasy. In fact, she felt fine.

She looked up at his handsome face, he was tired and she reached up and caressed the side of his face with her hand. He closed his eyes and leaned against her comfort.

_Her eyes spoke to him. 'You look tired.'_

'_So do you,' his replied._

He ran a hand through her hair again, un-tucking the piece that he had placed gently behind her ears, before his hand ran down her shoulders, down her ribs and came to rest on her waist.

He raised an eyebrow of concern and ran his hand over her ribs. Kirsten had always been thin, but even he thought she had lost some weight.

"Baby, you sure you feel okay?" He murmured his hand brushing her cheek.

He watched her eyelids droop a little and she sighed. She was struggling to stay awake. She didn't want to tell him that. Her body ached. _'Actually Sandy, my bones hurt, my head was/is throbbing it can't seem to make up its mind, and my stomach is playing tennis with itself. In truth I would like to have a morphine drip or someone to shoot me, putting me out of my misery.'_

Or the latter, she could simply say, _'I feel like shit.'_

"I'm fine Sandy, I'm just tired, that's all," she mumbled softly tugging at his hand and shifting slowly so he could come up on the couch with her.

He crawled in behind her, moving her so that he could take the burden of the weight she carried. His gentle hands soothingly rubbed her back, trying to relieve stress and relax her at the same time. One hand expertly swept her hair away and he placed a soft kiss on her back where the skin was exposed. He felt her shiver beneath his touch. The more he ran his hands over her body the more worried her became; she was thin, dreadfully gaunt-like prisoner-of-war thin.

"Honey, have you lost weight?"

"I don't think so…" but she knew she had with all the vomiting she had been doing lately.

"Kay'," he whispered softly as he placed another kiss along her shoulder and felt her relax into his embrace.

He let her lie fully against him, her head resting on his chest, most of her body entangled with his. He loved lying like this with her. In seconds she was sound asleep his arm across her back and her hand grasping his shirt.

He was worried.

It was close to five when the boys got home and Sandy was jostled awake by the shutting of the door. He looked down at this wife and she hadn't heard anything she was still sound asleep.

"Dad where's –" Seth was cut off by a stern look from his father along with one finger against his lips telling him to be quiet.

"Dad, where's mom?" He whispered.

"She's sleeping, she's not feeling good," his voice rumbled. Sandy couldn't help it, when he had to talk low his voice went into James Earl Jones mode. Kirsten always told him it was very sexy and she always gave him a look to go along with her smile.

"_You have the sexiest voice when it dips low," she smiled at him, her hand brushing his cheek._

"_I do?" His voice rumbled again._

"_Very. Mr. James Earl Jones, the second."_

_He stuck his tongue out at her. "You love me."_

She grinned at him this time. "I do."

Ryan peeked over the couch. "She hasn't been feeling good for a while," he stated.

Sandy raised an eyebrow and Ryan shrugged and gave him a look that said, _'Well she hasn't.'_

Seth darted his eyes between the two, "She has seemed a little lethargic, I guess, I mean, I don't know, more tired. I thought it was just work."

Sandy managed to disentangle Kirsten from his grasp and then scooped her up in his arms, and began to carry her towards their bedroom.

"Awe Dad, that's so romantic," Seth gushed jokingly. Ryan however jumped in front of him and took the steps two at a time to open the door for Sandy. He noticed Sandy's attitude wasn't his normal everything's fine, happy-go-lucky. Sandy was worried. Therefore so was Ryan. Sandy would later swear the kid has ESP or something. Ryan was so used to judging whether his mother was in a good mood or not, he just kind of knew when things weren't right.

"Thanks kid," he said as he carried her past Ryan.

She looked pale, and almost helpless in Sandy's arms. When he laid her down on the bed it looked like one of the scenes shown in romantic movies like she was going to wake up and confess her love to him. But she didn't.

In fact she slept through dinner.

It was rather quiet around the table, Seth was a little more reserved but he still managed to crack jokes and tell on Ryan about his AP classes, as he had managed to meet and greet a new student there.

"Smacked her dad, right in the face, like POW," he gestured excitedly with his hands.

Ryan stopped mid bite. "It wasn't like POW." He looked at Sandy helplessly.

"Uh huh."

"Okay, maybe a soft POW," he offered looking down at the table.

Sandy laughed softly shaking his head back in forth, his eyes glancing over his sons. Ryan suppressed a grin and

Seth chuckled.

"I guess you just had to be there," Sandy offered.

Ryan just shook his head, "Trust me, and be glad you weren't."

Kirsten was dreaming.

_At first the dream started as black and white, but as she paid more attention it came into focus. Her family was present and so was a little baby girl. They were in the house. Sandy was holding her close against him. He had tears streaming down his face and he smiled sadly at her. Both Seth and Ryan were standing over him, looking down at the baby. They both had faces that resembled the most somber statue. The little baby cooed softly and all three boys managed a small smile. She stuck her little hand up in the air and Ryan bent over and put his pinky in her little palm. She giggled. Ryan gave a half-smile. Seth turned away and wiped a tear from his cheek. _

_Sandy spoke gravely. "She's her mother."_

"_Yeah," Ryan whispered. _

_Seth wiped away another tear. "I miss her."_

_Sandy looked up at him. "I know, son. Me too."_

_It occurred to Kirsten that she was nowhere in the picture. And her boy's had on suits. _

_Black suits. The kind you wear to a funeral._

_Seth picked up the most recent Chrismukkah card, focusing on his mother. She leaned against Sandy, her arm around Seth, Ryan sat down between Kirsten and Sandy, and even he was smiling._

_She was smiling and she was happy._

_Seth bit his lip and glances nervously at the clock. "Dad, we um… its time for us to go…."_

_Sandy looked up, his face crestfallen. Ryan unhooked his finger from the baby's. He stood, straightening out his suit. He looked at the floor._

_An uneasy silence filled the room._

"_Time to go," Ryan echoed solemnly. He didn't want to go._

_Sandy looked down at the baby reluctant to let her go. He placed her in her bassinet and stood._

_Sandy straightened out his suit, and that was the first time she got a look at his face. Then, she knew, she knew by the way he looked and the way he acted that she had died._

She bolted awake, taking in a deep breath and wiping the sweat away from her face. '_Jesus Christ, that, was scary, and so realistic,' _she thought taking another deep breath.

She went into the bathroom she needed to freshen up, to dim the memory that lingered.

Sandy slowly walked up the steps he paused and listened, hearing the bathroom water running. '_Well, she must be up, maybe she's feeling better.'_

She had managed to drag her fatigued body to the bathroom, washed her face, and brushing her teeth. She wanted a shower but she didn't think she would have the strength.

Sandy knocked on the door and she told him to come in. "Hey gorgeous," he said kissing her neck.

"Hey handsome," she said back, finishing brushing her teeth. She thought of the idea, if Sandy was in the shower with her, she could at least lean on him and know she wouldn't faint and bust her head open on something and die in there.

It was a win-win situation.

She started to run the shower and stripped down in front of him, knowing her couldn't refuse her for anything. His eyes wandered over her naked body as it slipped from view into the depths of the shower.

He heard her voice call out, "Coming?"

"Please, like I would pass this up?"

She knew him too well.

"There would have to be a supernatural reason why I wouldn't be in the shower with you, with a police force the size of Texas, and a bunch of spiders surrounding the house. Even then they couldn't keep me away from you."

He heard her chuckle from underneath the rush of water.

"Well, okay maybe the spiders," he said chucking his shirt into the corner.

He climbed in with her, appreciatively giving her body the once over before moving against her. He felt her lean against him a little more than normal and again that night he supported her weight. She leaned up and kissed him apologetically, but it was okay with him, he never minded. He grabbed a washcloth, lathered it up and went to work.

He started at her shoulders, dipping down to her collarbone and the sleekness of her stomach. She turned around and he went over the top of her shoulders, down her shoulder blades, to the lower places on her back. She arched against his touch and she loved that he could still do that to her. He could always make her feel better.

She went downstairs after she had gotten out the shower with Sandy. She grabbed a bagel and some cream cheese, sat down at the table and ate. She had been hungry but nothing was exactly appetizing. She figured this would stay down.

Maybe.

Hopefully.

Later in bed she was leaning against him and he was going over a case file. The case file was in one hand, while the other arm was wrapped around her. She had managed to lie against his shoulder and the free hand tousled with her hair. He turned slightly and pressed his lips against her temple. She had given up trying to read with him, the words were blurring together so she had just closed her eyes laying there enjoying his comfort.

Even though he was reading his case file, he kept sneaking glances at his wife. He was worried about her. It wasn't like her to act so helpless. Maybe it was the flu; he knew Caleb had just gotten over a bad bout of it. That's probably all it was.

He was up well into the night reading going over case files, making sure everything was in order. She had long ago fallen asleep occasionally mumbling and rolling over and she was sweating. He would let a free hand cascade softly down her back, and she would quiet under his touch.

He sat there going through the case when she leapt out of bed and rushed to the bathroom, barely making it before she started to throw up. He paused for a half-second before leaping off the bed after her. As he crouched behind her, he expertly swept the hair away from her face and wrapped an arm around her body for support, she leaned against him more and he held her up.

Again, for the third time that evening.

'_God, I'm so weak_,' she thought to herself when she totally collapsed against him. She was dizzy, terribly dizzy. The room simply spun she couldn't even support herself without his help.

He went to go grab a washcloth when she pulled herself up against the toilet and started her second round of heaving.

"We're going to the hospital," he stated firmly. "This is more than just the flu."

She just looked up at him miserably and she wanted to tell him 'No' but she knew he was right.

'_Just shoot me Sandy. No hospital just put me out of my misery. Shoot me. Oh, and can you make the room stop spinning for a second or two?'_

He flushed the toilet and took the cool cloth laying it against her forehead. He could feel heat radiate through it. He leaned her against the tub, not knowing if she was entirely finished or not and knowing that she wasn't exactly her strongest she would collapse without his help.

He went into his room and gathered her a sweatshirt and sweatpants, and handed them to her. He then leaned up and kissed her softly on the forehead. "Be right back sweetheart. You okay?" She nodded.

He walked to Seth's room and knocked, the boy hardly stirred. Sandy wasn't surprised -Seth could sleep through a freight train.

"Seth, wake up, I'm taking your mom to the hospital."

He rolled over.

"Seth." Sandy waited a few seconds. "Seth?" Still nothing. "SETH!"

"Wha? What Dad?" He mumbled rubbing the sleep from his eyes.

"I'm taking your mom to the hospital. She's sick."

Seth sat up in bed. "Do you want me to go with you?"

"No son, I just wanted you to know where we were going, I'll call you, okay?"

"Okay dad," he mumbled rolling over falling back asleep, something only a teenager could manage.

He went out to wake Ryan to let him know they were going and was surprised to find Ryan awake, studying on his bed.

"Hey kid, Kirsten's sick, so we're going to the hospital."

Ryan looked concerned, "Is she all right? What's wrong? Can I go with you?"

"Take it easy son, I think she just has the flu. She can't keep anything down, she's running a fever and she's pretty weak."

"I'm coming with you," he said standing up.

"Ryan, no."

Ryan cut him off. "Look I'll drive, that way if she gets sick, well you know," he said softly, not looking directly at him, praying he would let him go. Kirsten meant more to him than he ever let on.

Sandy contemplated the thought. It was a good idea. "Okay, fine. Lets go."

They walked out the pool house together, and into the main house where Sandy called up the steps. "Honey you ready?"

Silence.

Then retching.

"Shit," he whispered as he bounded up the steps two at a time. Ryan followed at his heels.

Opening the bathroom door, Kirsten had managed to get dressed, but her stomach was fighting with itself again.

"Oh honey, I'm sorry I left you alone, I thought you were okay, I'm sorry."

She waved him off. _'Apology accepted, not your fault.'_

Sandy rushed to her side.

"Sandy I'm going to grab the car, and a bucket," Ryan stated, turning a little green. He wasn't good with people throwing up it made him oddly nervous. His heart fluttered more when people were sick and he kind of just wanted to run for the hills. It was weird but with Kirsten, he didn't want to run for the hills he wanted to hold her hand and tell her that it was going to be okay. He shook his head.

"I'm sorry sweetie," she whispered to him weakly, managing to get her breath.

"Its okay, Kirsten." He gave her one last worried look before rushing down the stairs.

As he flew down the steps he was scared. She looked horrible and he was petrified. He stopped in a closet and grabbed a bucket, and then he stopped at the couch and grabbed a blanket. In the midst of him running around he had managed to write Seth a note, he knew how the kid could sleep and wasn't exactly coherent when someone first woke him. Then he grabbed Seth's phone from his desk and put it in his pocket.

_Seth._

_We took Kirsten to the hospital, she's pretty sick. I don't know what's wrong but I'm driving them there. I took your phone, call me when you get up and I'll tell you what I know._

_-Ryan._

He figured that would have to do.

He pulled the Rover, tossing the stuff he had grabbed into the back seat, pulled up the front of the house and went upstairs where Sandy was sitting with Kirsten rubbing her shoulder. She was leaning heavily against him, looking miserable but at least she had stopped throwing up. Ryan didn't think she was going to be able to walk very far, if anything.

"I'm ready."

"Okay. C'mon baby lets go," he said getting on his feet, gentle pulling her with him.

She struggled and he pulled her gently to her feet and she swayed, her knees not wanting to hold her body weight up.

"Ryan, little help," he struggled holding her up, not having the greatest advantage point.

Ryan came up behind her put his arms around her holding her up while Sandy swooped down under her and picked her up in his arms.

He watched as her arms weakly reached up and wrapped around his neck. She leaned up and kissed his cheek before resting her head against his body, closing her eyes. She was physically exhausted. But she knew Sandy would keep her safe. As long as she had him, she would be just fine through this whole ordeal. It was amazing the persona of someone, how it could affect one person, how he could affect her.

Getting in the car was a little more difficult with two but once he was in, Sandy appreciated the blanket and he wrapped it around her shivering body. He gathered her in his arms, holding her close. He looked down at her, pressing a gentle kiss to her temple. "I love you," he whispered. She smiled against him. "I love you too," she managed to whisper weakly.

Ryan drove to HOAG a little over the speed limit.

He knew she had to be dehydrated from the vomiting and the fever that Sandy said she had been running.

He gulped and hoped she was okay, just the flu. He didn't want to think what if it wasn't, '_Just the flu' _as Sandy kept calling it. But then again what else was Sandy going to call it, because to him that's all he thought it was. _'What else could it be?' he thought unconsciously to himself. _

_What else?_


	2. Past Regret with Future Fear

_Note: To Princess Oats 435, star429, skippingpunk88, I hope I don't disappoint any of you. _

_PS. Note: The song used below is by Lifehouse, called 'Everything' it's a very mellow song and I liked the lyrics. The quote used at the end of the chapter is by a fellow named Robert Anthony. Again, Thanks for the reviews, and I beg more of you._

------

_However long the night, the dawn will break.  
--African Proverb _

------

_Life is full of interruptions and complications._

_-Love Actually_

------

_Find me here_

_And speak to me_

_I want to feel you_

_I need to hear you_

_You are the light_

_That's leading me _

_To the place _

_Where I find peace again_

------

The ride to the hospital was the longest of Sandy Cohen's life. It was even longer than rushing to the hospital when she was pregnant with Seth and her contractions had awoken her. At least then he knew what was wrong. Seth was stubborn, even before they met him he chose to drive his mother into a crazy labor.

He half frowned, half smiled at the thought, as if his mind was deciding on his emotions for that particular day.

_------_

_He was sound asleep, and it was close to four am. _

"_Sandy?" "Saaandy?"_

_Nothing. _

"_SANDY!" She smacked his forearm. _

_That jolted him awake._

"_What?" He stumbled out of bed looking around sleepily he was very disoriented. "What do you need, honey?" He ran a hand over his face, and through his hair._

"_We. Have. To. Go. Now." Uncertainty flashed across her cringing features as another contraction hit. _

_That woke him up. _

_He grabbed the bag they had packed from the corner of the room. He glanced over at her as he got the car keys and smiled. _

_She was so beautiful._

_Another moan shook him from his reverie and he went over to her, grabbing her coat and helping her into it. _

_Getting her situated in their car he rushed to the hospital, amazed he didn't get pulled over by any cops. He hurried into the hospital, yelling to the nurse his wife was having the baby and she rushed out with a wheel chair. _

_When they got her situated in her hospital room, things slowed down and Sandy could breath a little. He called both sets of parents, and her mom, Katherine, was on her way almost immediately. _

_He went back into her room, sitting down at her side, brushing the sweat soaked hair off of her face._

"_You're beautiful, you know that?" He whispered to her. _

"_Mmm, yeah I doubt that right now," she groaned._

"_Baby, you have no idea. You're so gorgeous," his deep voice rumbled against her ear. She smiled up at him and he leaned up and softly kissed her forehead. She moaned again and took his hand placing it upon her stomach and he could feel the contractions beneath it. He winced, "Sorry honey, I wish I could take it away." _

"_Mmm hmm," she mumbled. She had just been in labor a little over thirteen hours. "Sandy, I'm not feeling so good."_

_She looked at him, he looked so concerned and he smiled at her reassuringly thinking that the labor was taking it out of her and another contraction was coming on. She knew in her heart if he could burden the pain that he would. He caressed her face with the back of his hand and leaned over to kiss her. Another contraction hit her and it hit her hard. She gasped and her vitals started to fly off the charts, alerting doctors and nurses. _

_She paled instantly, the pain searing through her belly was the sharpest she ever experienced. She grabbed the bedrail and his hand so tightly that her knuckles went white._

_His knees buckled slightly at the stab that went through his own hand._

_She sucked in air by the gallon, moaning. "SANDY, NEVER AGAIN. YOU WILL NEVER TOUCH ME AGAIN; WE'RE NOT DOING THIS EVER AGAIN. GOD. Something's wrong Sandy, it hurts to bad. It hurts," she whimpered now. The doctor's faces were anxious as they rushed around her and he caught the words "Bleeding out," before felt someone grabbing his shoulders. "YOU CAN'T BE HERE ANYMORE SIR," the orderly yelled at him. Literally yelled. _

_He looked down at his wife, the grasp on her hand had gone limp, the monitors flashing, beeping. Her flushed face went from rosy, to pale white, and then a tint of blue._

_Something was seriously wrong. _

_He didn't comprehend what was going on. He fought the whole way out the door, not wanting to leave her side. He grabbed anything he could find that held him close enough to her._

"_NO. THAT'S MY WIFE," he yelled as they dragged him through the doors and tossed him out. He stumbled and managed to catch himself before he face planted into the shining hospital hallway. It wasn't like he was in a bar and got into a fight. He had been HURLED OUT OF A HOSPITAL ROOM. That's the kind of stuff only happens on TV, not real life._

"_That's my wife," he whispered, tears running down his face. His fist connected with the wall at least twice before any energy he had gave out. He slumped against the wall, no, no. This cannot be happening, this can't be happening. The words may as well have been a broken record in his head. What the hell was he going to do without her? Raise a baby by himself? Hope that in time he could maybe find someone and love her. That thought was impossible; he would and could never love anyone like her. _

_He sighed._

_This. Can. Not. Be. Happening. _

_-----_

_You are the strength_

_That keeps me walking_

_You are the hope_

_That keeps me trusting_

_You are the life_

_To my soul_

_You are my purpose_

_You're everything_

_------_

_Slumped against the wall was where Katy had found him. He was the only one who called her that. He was an emotional mess, tears streaming down his face, and his hair resting wherever his hand had last run through it. She had gotten there in time to hear the commotion and came running but they wouldn't let her in either. _

_She crouched down beside him, and took his tearstained face into her hands. "Come now Sandy, up off the floor. We can at least wait together in the chairs." Her heart broke for the young man slumped in front of her. He loved her daughter, so very much, and it was evident now more than ever. She had always liked Sandy ever since Kirsten had brought him home. He had shown nothing but affection for her little girl, and now he had a burden on his soul that she might not make it._

_When Katherine Nichol said something, most people jumped to their feet. Sandy simply stared at her like she had asked him to jump from the Empire State building and couldn't comprehend English._

"_Sandy, I can't have you down and out too. Do you have any idea what my daughter would do to me if she ever found out I left you on the floor?" She was trying to coax him into going with her. _

_Again he just stared at her, his expression completely blank. _

_He was in shock._

_Katy looked around the hospital quickly before she reached out and slapped him on his cheek._

"_SANFORD COHEN, GET YOUR ASS OFF OF THIS FLOOR NOW."_

_He bolted from the floor and then stared down at her, his pupils dilating, registering what was going on. She got up slowly, fixing her outfit and then reached up again and touched his face and he stared at her, willing her to make the decisions. "It's okay now love," she spoke softly to her son-in-law, "Lets go sit down."_

_He let her guide him to the waiting room chairs where he sat, hunched over and defeated. Sandy had the hero that lost the war look. The saddest look in the entire world. _

_Defeat. _

------

_And how can I stand here with you_

_And not be moved by you_

_Would you tell me how could it be_

_Any better than this_

------

_Three long, tedious hours had passed when the doctor finally came back to the waiting room, his scrubs covered in blood; he had a smile on his weary face. _

_This was a good sign. _

"_Mother and baby are just fine. You have a healthy boy."_

_Katherine Nichol's hand went to her heart and Sandy heard her sigh in relief. He ran to the nearest garbage can and threw up. His heart was thumping a million miles a minute, and he was probably going to have to be admitted for either a heart attack or a stroke. He closed his eyes, 'Just fine. She, they, are just fine.' The words sounded like a broken record. _

_The doctor smiled sympathetically at the young man before going over to him and placing a hand on his shoulders. "You can go see her when you're done, son."_

_Sandy managed a nod and Katy came over to him. "You okay there?" _

_He nodded again, his brain and mouth not cooperating._

_He went to the restroom and he watched at Katy went into the room that held her daughter, and his wife, his son, her grandson. _

_He rinsed his mouth and looked at himself in the mirror, attempting to straighten his looks out, but failing miserably. The exhaustion was evident on his face, and the rest of the night's events had taken their toll on him. _

_He had almost lost her._

_Never again._

_He sighed again, bracing his hands on the sink in front of him and he bent his head, his chin touching his chest. "Thank you God."_

_------_

_You calm the storms_

_And you give me rest_

_You hold me in your hands_

_You won't let me fall_

_You steal my heart_

_And you take my breath away_

_Would you take me in_

_Would you take me deeper, now_

_------_

_He stood shakily in the doorway and when Kirsten's tired eyes met his exhausted one's he felt his knee's go weak. _

_Katy must have left, knowing he would be in at any moment. _

_She smiled softly at him and for a moment nothing existed other than Kirsten. Nothing else mattered, just the beautiful smile on her weary face. _

_He didn't remember crossing over to her but he did somehow. His knees were jelly and her hand reached for his, pulling him close, bringing him back to his senses. _

"_Never again, Kirsten. He's our one and only. I can't lose you again," he trembled as he bent his head and kissed her. Her hand reached up and rubbed against his stubble that had grown in the past twenty-four hours and she kissed him back._

_------ _

_And how can I stand here with you_

_And not be moved by you_

_Would you tell me how could it be_

_Any better than this_

_------_

_A small wail shook him out of his reverie and for a second he had forgotten about his new baby boy, he felt ashamed. _

_He walked over to the bassinette and slowly peeked over the edge to find a bundle of blue, his little face pink. _

"_Hey there, little man," his voice rumbled and the baby stopped instantly as if to say, "Who goes there?"_

_Little Seth whimpered and he reached down to pick him up, holding him to his chest the baby quieted and his eyes gazed into Sandy's. He gurgled as if to say, "Hi daddy, where have you been?"_

_------_

_When how can I stand here with you_

_And not be moved by you_

_Would you tell me how could it be_

_Any better than this_

_------_

_He walked over to Kirsten and sat on the edge of the bed with Seth. He placed him in her arms and shifted enough so that he could hold both of them. They both were safe._

_------_

_Would you tell me how could it be_

_Any better than this..._

------

Sandy looked down at his exhausted wife, moving his hand he felt her forehead, and she was feverish again. In honest truth over time he did want another child, and he knew that the chances of that being incident being repeated were slim to none. However, by the time he felt this way Katy had gotten ill and their chances slowly went out the window.

They finally arrived at HOAG, without any incident of Kirsten throwing up, which Sandy was relieved for. Ryan parked at the ER entrance and ran around, opening the car door, and helping him with Kirsten. As Sandy slid out of the Rover and stood up his wife in his arms, Ryan was eerily reminded of Tijuana and carrying Marissa to the doctors of the foreign country.

This time Kirsten didn't reach up and wrap her arms around Sandy's neck. She was lifeless weight, and she looked like death had been knocking on her door and was just invited in.

Normally walking through the ER doors would draw attention just because people were nosy and wanted to see who was coming through, as if maybe they knew them.

Walking through the ER doors with a woman in your arms who looked like she hadn't seen sunlight in twenty years, her arms hanging limply from her sides was enough to scatter nurses and bring a gurney.

Sandy lay her gently down and the nurse and attending handsome doctor began firing rapid questions.

"What happened? What are her symptoms?Is she in any pain?" Sandy was taken aback, he only knew she was vomiting.

Luckily Ryan chose to bring the bucket because at that instant Kirsten sat up and beckoned for it. As she emptied the contents of her stomach again, the doctor began his questionnaire once more, only to her this time.

"All right, there ya go gorgeous, when your done, tell me what's wrong."

Sandy raised an eyebrow to the pet name that only he liked to call his wife, but he was positive every man thought it about her.

"Fever. Nausea, headaches, vomiting…" she trailed off again.

When she came up for air the doctor quickly checked the glands in her neck and was surprised at how swollen they were. He then reached down under her arms and felt the glands there. They were swollen also.

"Night sweats? Have you been sweating?" He was a rapid-fire man, Sandy was semi sure that he could even tie Seth if they had a quick paced conversation.

She nodded. _Oh yes._

"Tiredness, have you been fatigued?"

She nodded, her head in the bucket. _Definitely._

"Achy?" _Damn this guy's good._

"Yes," she whispered weakly.

Sandy's mouth hung open slightly and even Ryan looked shocked, the only thing that registered on their face was, _how long had this been going on?_

Sandy and Ryan stood off a little ways away their faces etched worry and fear. If she could smile at them and reassure them, she would.

They began to wheel her away down the hall to her own examining room, leaving the boys standing there in the entrance way. They appeared startlingly eerie in the way the bright lights hit them and door closed behind them.

They looked like broken warriors in a battle not yet won.

"I'm going to get you something to quell the nausea, beautiful, and then maybe we will be able to talk a little more."

She nodded again, and she winced when she felt the needle sink into her tender skin.

"She's very dehydrated, let's get her started on two IV's."

A nurse grabbed her hand and inserted the needle and she flinched when they placed IV number one in her hand, the second one went into her upper arm.

The nausea finally at bay Kirsten was able to talk. "I've had headaches, constantly throwing up, sometimes in the morning, sometimes at night. I've been achy, dizzy, exhausted, running a fever and I've been waking up covered in sweat."

That was all she could remember at the moment. She was just glad to be able to breath.

The doctor nodded, and then started rambling instructions to his nurse with a clipboard.

"I want a, ABG, CBC, Chem. 7…" she tuned him out, her mental exhaustion was evident and everything moved in slow motion. The doctor spoke in slow motion, she felt drowsy.

"Her blood pressure is 140/90, a little higher than normal."

The doctor turned to her and slowly spoke, "Is it possible you are pregnant?"

She felt herself sluggishly shrugging her shoulders, and mumbled something that sounded like, "I'm married, anything's possible."

He smiled again, and told the nurse to add that to her list of tests.

------

Sandy watched as they rushed her to her own examining room without a second glance in his direction.

He ran his hand through his hair in frustration. A nurse appeared out of nowhere and thrust a clipboard in his hands.

"Bring your insurance card too when you're done filling those out," she eyed him up and down and took off to go sit at her desk.

"Okay, robo-cop," he muttered, finding a nice hard plastic chair and sat down.

Ryan rushed in the waiting room after parking the Rover. He saw Sandy with his head down filling out paper work.

"I had to park a million miles away."

Sandy jumped.

Ryan looked startled. "Sorry…I…"

Sandy waved him off.

"No problem kid, I'm just jumpy that's all," he grumbled. '_Fucking paperwork. It's a damn hospital; we could pay for this in cash for Christ sakes. We could buy this hospital. She is Caleb Nichol's daughter, he could add another wing to your hospital if he wanted to.' _

He was irritated. And when Sandy was irritated he wasn't the most rational thinker in the world. In fact he used to have a temper like Ryan, especially when it came to his wife.

"Shit!"

Ryan jumped out of his chair, "What?!" His blue eyes flashed daggers across the room.

"Sorry kid, I forgot to call Caleb. He'll likely try to have my ass thrown in jail if I don't call and tell him his _Kiki_ is in the damn hospital." He hated that nickname.

Ryan broke into a grin. You could tell Sandy was from New York when he was frustrated. Not only did he swear more, he thickly laid into his accent.

Sandy looked up from his paperwork to find the kid standing over him with a grin on his face the size of Rhode Island. He looked at him quizzically, "Yes?" His accent rang through his ears.

"Sandy, Forgetta'Bout It," Ryan broke out into a small chuckle, coughed and then sat down in his seat, wanting to laugh but he couldn't, a smile played about in his eyes.

Sandy sat with an amused look on his face. "You're funny, son. You've been hanging out with Seth too much. Kirsten used to tease me about' it' too."

Ryan stifled his chuckle as much as he could. A man, who was used to being in such control of everything and was so easy-going, let his own accent bother him.

Sandy smiled and shook his head, reaching an arm over and patted his back before reaching up and ruffling his hair.

The comic relief was nice.

"Hey, here, call Cay-Cay and tell him what's going on," he said never missing a beat with reaching in his pocket and pulling out the cell phone while crossing a 'T' at the same time.

Ryan looked at him like Sandy had asked him to grow a second head and sell tickets on Wall Street. "Uh how about no."

He looked up again an eyebrow raised, the lawyer in him on alert.

"Sandy, I can't. I burnt down the guy's house. He hates me."

"I married his daughter. He hates me more."

Ryan grinned, "Point taken," and searched through the directory and was amused when it said 'Cay Cay's Cell.'

Ryan rolled his eyes when the older man got on the phone.

A sleepy grumpy voice boomed over the phone. "Sanford you had better not be drunk and calling me for an apology cause its not happening. This better be worth waking me up at some Godforsaken hour of the morning."

"This is uh Ryan. Sandy's busy, um, he told me to um call you…"

"Well speak up kid," he said impatiently.

"Kirsten's in the hospital. We had to take her to the hospital," he stammered, he didn't know what to say that wouldn't have Caleb Nichol breathing down his neck.

Ryan cringed waiting for a response.

Silence.

The voice was no longer sleepy. "I'll right down."

Ryan looked at Sandy who had finally finished and reached into his back pocket for the insurance card that the nurse oh so needed.

"Is he coming?"

"What do you think?"

Sandy nodded.

Super.

Kirsten was sick, he was going to have to deal with her father, and there was no moderator because she was in a hospital bed somewhere. But they couldn't see her "Just yet," as the nurse so eloquently put it.

-----

She was groggy, and sluggish. She went to tuck in a strand of hair that had become loose and watched as her hand moved in slow motion. Apparently they slipped in a drug so that she could rest too. She hated sleeping lately. She must have moaned that in her list of complaints and the doctor took it to heart.

Every time she slept, she dreamt, and she could only pray they were just dreams and not forewarnings of the future. She wanted to see Sandy and Ryan. She knew her husband's temper, however mild around situations with the kids, was a little different when it came to her. Her eyelids began to droop and she lost the fight to stay awake, she started dreaming.

_------_

_The wailing cry of a baby startled Sandy out of bed. He listened for a moment._

_She watched him attentively. _

_He listened._

_Silence._

_He frowned and started toward the door when he then heard someone making a shushing sound. He crept to the baby's room and listened more, realizing Seth had her._

"_Shh now, we can't wake Daddy up right? He's tired lately and he misses mommy. Yeah he does. One thing I'm going to teach you about your father, he sucks at hiding things. Yeah…" _

_Seth smiled at his little sister. She cooed at him and gave him a happy oblivious baby grin._

_Her facial expressions softened and she sensed that his mood had changed._

"_I miss mommy too, yeah I do. I wish you could have known her. Yeah," although Seth had always rambled on before, things were quiet in the Cohen household and he truthfully only babbled to her._

_Seth looked different, he looked older and worn out. The youthful innocence that used to be his persona was gone. He hadn't shaved lately either. Seth had grown up in the short amount of time since she dreamt of him. But the time lapse hadn't been very long. _

_The baby cooed as if to say, 'I wish I could have known her too.' She softly gurgled against Seth's chest, her little hand reaching up to grasp his. She was so innocent and what hit Seth the most is she would never understand how much she had lost. _

_She was getting big now, and could focus on things, and recognize people. But she would never recognize the person who brought her into this world without looking at a picture._

_Sandy crept back to his room, their room. Kirsten finally got a look at him, and was surprised at what she saw. Granted his hair had always been a bit messy and slightly unkempt but now it had grown out, startlingly resembling a Keanu Reeves style. It wasn't all over the place, surprisingly neat, but it was long. Sometimes it swept into his eyes and sometimes he brushed it away, other times he didn't even bother. What surprised her the most was the amount of growth on his face. He had a full-blown beard. Yeah he definitely resembled Keanu with scruff. _

_He glanced around the room, his normally bright eyes dulled and listless. _

_He didn't care. _

_The only thing that kept him going every morning was the little girl in the other room, and everyone knew it._

"_You just had to leave me, didn't you baby? Ah, I shouldn't be so selfish, you fought the good fight," he whispered to no one. _

_He hunched over, in their bed a stray tear making its way down his cheek, "You fought the good fight," he echoed even softer than the first time. _

------

Kirsten opened her eyes the unfamiliar surroundings greeted her like a slap in the face. So, all this _was_ real. Bad news was coming, she was going to die and she was none the wiser. Or maybe all of this thinking something bad was going to happen was putting these thoughts in her head.

_Yeah, that's it._

She frowned and then sighed.

_That's it._

-----

Caleb arrived at the hospital wearing jeans and a flannel. If he had long hair, it would most likely have been disheveled.

Sandy grimaced; he was prepared to hear Caleb berate him but was surprised when all he asked was "How was she?" and "What was wrong?"

Sandy only told him what he knew, which wasn't much.

"Have you seen her yet?"

Sandy shook his head. "Nope."

"Hmm, let's see what I can do about that," and he strode up to the main desk.

"I'm Caleb Nichol, I believe my daughter Kirsten Cohen is here, and I would like to see her."

The nurse looked at him wide-eyed, the great and famous Caleb –funds-the-hospital- Nichol was standing in front of her. She specifically remembered the little post it note in the break room that distinctly said, 'IF CALEB NICHOL EVER COMES TO THIS HOSPITAL, PATIENT OR OTHER, NEVER REFUSE HIM.' Okay, that was exaggerating but she had heard the doctors talk about him.

Robo-Cop nurse smiled toothily, "She's in room 324 sir, you can go in."

He turned around and pointed to Sandy and Ryan. "They're with me also."

The nurse nodded. No one refused the 'I am all mighty and powerful Caleb Nichol.'

He cast a glance at Sandy. Well, almost no one.

He beckoned to Sandy, "Lets go."

Ryan looked nervously from Caleb to Sandy, and back to Caleb again.

"Yes, you too. Kirsten would strangle me if I let you sit down here by yourself."

He smiled at the thought. Yes she probably would.

Arriving in the bright room she greeted all of them with a tired smile, "Hey."

"Hey baby," Sandy whispered, crossing over to a side of the bed, he planted a tender kiss in by her temple.

Ryan glanced nervously about the room between the three adults. He was halfway tempted to slip back outside, but Kirsten saw him and beckoned him to come sit with her. He smiled shyly, for a woman who didn't want him within twenty feet of her family at first, she definitely made sure he felt welcome and safe around her. He sat down in a chair close to her and trembling she reached for his hand.

She was surprised to see her father there at this awkward hour of the morning, but than he probably would have tried to kill her husband if he hadn't called him.

Caleb spoke the inevitable first, "Any word?"

Kirsten shook her head and gave a half smile, "No..."

Silence.

"Well, I'm going to go find out what the hells going on," he said striding out of the room.

Sandy turned to her and gave her a half smile, "How are you feeling, any better?"

She shrugged her shoulders, "I'm not throwing up every twenty seconds, I'm happy for the moment."

Joking was everyone's mask against fear.

'_No I'm not. I'm scared shitless for the outcome of these results and I really just want to burst into tears because I'm more than sure the outcome isn't going to be good. That's how I really feel Sandy.'_

She smiled at Sandy and Ryan. Sandy gave his bashful grin, and Ryan tried a tight-lipped smile.

"Relax a little guys, it's probably just the stupid flu."

They gave a nervous chuckle.

At that very moment a very grim looking Caleb Nichol entered the door in slow motion, followed by the doctor.

Everyone in the entire room knew at that exact moment in time, that it wasn't _just the flu._

He sighed and tapped the folder with his open hand. He bit his bottom lip. "I have the tests results in," he smiled bleakly, uncomfortably.

Sandy stiffened.

Kirsten swallowed, the grip on her hand tightened on both her boys.

Ryan looked anywhere but the two adults. He thought he was going to be sick.

Sandy's eyes cast to the floor and he breathed in deeply, silently. He thought of a quote he once heard from a professor and never paid any attention to it until now,

'_Waiting is a trap. There will always be reasons to wait. The truth is, there are only two things in life, reasons and results, and reasons simply don't count.'_

The doctor swallowed. "I don't know how to go about this. It's not something that we as doctors see on a daily basis… Mrs. Cohen…"

"Please, tell us what the hell's going on," Ryan spoke up.

Everyone stared at him surprised he said anything.

He slumped in his seat again, "Sorry, I hate waiting."

Sandy gave him an easy smile and then turned his attention back on the doctor.

"Well, Mrs. Cohen…um…I don't know how to say it. You …"

_------_


	3. Reality

_It's for the reviewers like Dulcey- who tell me that Kirsten is not allowed to die. Dulcey, would you believe that many people share your thoughts on this?_

_Kandyshipper – "your are scaring the hell out of me and I care way too much about this particular character."_

_Rachel Carter 2428 – Which made me laugh out at loud at 230 in the morning, by telling me she "hates me" than says, "keep going."_

_Princess Oats 435 – whose ramblings I do not mind._

_I love the reviews guys keep it up._

_Ps. Note: This chapter wasn't the easiest for me to write, I somewhat toiled slightly with idea's, wrote them, deleted them, its not easy to have such a wonderful character struggle, then coupled with the reactions of people who love her more than anything hear what everyone I'm sure now knows isn't good news. No I don't have any issues with people in New York, I just love how they say New York. You'll see. And for the record, personally, I don't think Sandy was always the goody goody fella, especially not in college, and not before meeting Kirsten. He has a good heart and a good head on his shoulders he just had some demons. Or else why would he take Ryan home and always say with a sheepish grin, "You married me." Oh and the cars? Yeah that's the actual pricing for the cars, if you look up the range rover you will find that it can pretty much do anything but make coffee for you! Eh, enough of my ramblings. Vamanos'._

_------_

_If you love me, you'll forgive me._

_-Closer_

_------_

_This is it; life will never be better, or sweeter than this._

_-Sweet November._

_------_

Sandy heard the words "Well, Mrs. Cohen you…." And then he heard absolute quiet.

Total silence.

It was like in 'Saving Private Ryan,' the biggest war scene Tom Hanks is crashed out on the beach, bombs exploding everywhere, people yelling, people dying, and he couldn't hear anything.

Except the only difference was the doctor was delivering the biggest bomb that he, Sanford Cohen, had ever heard in his life.

He watched the doctors mouth move and yet no sound came out.

Yet somehow he managed to comprehend every single, solitary, fucking word.

He watched her face shine and she smiled, and then it fell with the utmost fear. Her haunting blue eyes darted to his and for a second he held her gaze and then dropped it to the floor.

She wanted him to say it was going to be okay, that it would all be okay, they would make it through this just fine. But this time, Sandy couldn't give anyone guarantees. He couldn't even guarantee that he, himself, would be okay.

He watched Ryan's confused face, go completely blank, like a chalkboard with no writing on it.

Ryan then stood up and watched the chair flew backwards across the room. He was looking to punch the doctor in the face as if to say, _"Way wrong answer."_

The poor handsome doctor who's name Sandy didn't even catch, hunkered down and took a few steps backwards.

Sandy's hearing returned in time to catch these words, "I'll leave you with your thoughts now, and I'll be back in a few hours or so to discuss where we go from here."

_Gee thanks a lot, fuck-face._

He watched Caleb stride over past him and hold Ryan from running full force after the doctor. Ryan pulled away immediately and Kirsten's hand caught his wrist and she pulled his confused body down to sit on the bed with her. She whispered something to him and he relaxed and looked at her expectantly. He wanted her to tell him that it was a mistake, but she couldn't.

A mother's presence is soothing, even amongst midst and confusion.

Even amongst a war.

_God, the room was getting smaller wasn't it? _

_Hot even?_

He tugged at his shirt collar, knowing if he stayed any longer he was going to be sick himself.

He needed to punch _something._

He sighed and he pulled his hand out of hers before he even realized what was going on. He leaned up, kissed her forehead and walked out the door. He managed to mumble, "I need to get some air. I'll be back."

She watched him go, and sighed before looking up at Ryan's astonished face.

"Where is Sanford going?" Caleb's regal voice asked the question that echoed everyone's mind.

"He's got to clear his mind, dad," she whispered hoarsely.

"Clear his mind? I'll clear his mind for him. He should be here with you."

She chuckled and Ryan looked at her with an amused expression on his face.

She was laughing? Right now, in time Kirsten Cohen, who had been given unbelievable news, WAS _LAUGHING?_

He looked at Caleb for an answer, since Sandy wasn't there.

He shrugged.

"Dad, Sandy is the most rational thinker on the planet, when it comes to everyone else but me. He's getting it out of his system. Trust me, he'll be back."

The three of them turned and watched as Sandy Cohen walked down the hallway like a broken man.

------

Walking down the painfully bright corridor he bit his lip and then clucked his tongue in his mouth as if to say, some decision.

_Yep. Some decision. _

_Decisions. _

_Plural. Meaning two. Or one? Did he even have a decision? _

_Oh what the fuck!_

He shook his head. His thoughts would eat him alive if he kept this up.

Somehow he walked out from the hospital, over the road and down to the beach. '_Gotta love Newport. If these rich bastards don't have a beach at every window, well than life was over, as they knew it.'_

Who was he kidding? He loved his house; he loved his life, his kids.

He _loved_ his wife, he loved her more than life itself. He valued her life more than he valued his, he would trade places with her in a heartbeat.

Kirsten changed his life around, she made him think, she made him rationalize and she made him realize that he didn't have to run anymore.

It was a far cry from shabby, beat down Bronx that _could have been_ his life.

Thank God she took a chance on him. He let her in his heart and she showed him how loving someone could change your life. And how losing someone could reevaluate everything.

He walked down the huge sand dune and when he finally was at the bottom he looked out over the ocean. The normally bright blue water was a frightening black with no sunlight, but there was a full moon so the water held a midnight blue tint where the moon reflected off its surface.

There was a huge metal 'No lifeguard on duty, swim at your own risk' sign.

_How about punch at your own risk?_

He stared at it, the thoughts running through his head like steam engine.

_Tick Tock, Mr. Cohen, your wife's pregnant._

BAM, thunk.

_Mr. Cohen, your wife has cancer._

POW, thunk.

_Mr. Cohen, I'll think I'll leave you with your thoughts now._

He wanted to strangle that little bastard even though it wasn't his fault.

WHAM, thunk. BAM, thunk. KA-POW, thunk.

He started wailing on it, the satisfying metal let out a loud 'thunk' whenever his fist connected with it.

Bashing signs was soothing because not only do they make noise, you can see the dents that you left. As if that somehow made you feel powerful, significant, like nothing mattered that for a second power coursed through you that you held the power to dent that sign. He wished he held power over other things, like diseases.

How truly ironic life was.

Kirsten was pregnant.

And she had cancer.

_Yeah, pregnant and cancer, the two words in the English language that almost certainly didn't belong together in the same sentence._

Life and Death.

Or total death.

Or total life.

His hand was throbbing and already bruising, so he decided to kick the sand instead, thinking _hell, there were four ways this could go really._

_She could lose the baby, and then they would have to deal with the cancer and the emotional plunge of the losing the baby._

_She could die and they would have the baby instead of her. That would at least keep him going._

_They could both die, and that would eventually kill him and tear the family apart._

_Or the latter and the one he liked most, they could live and make it through all of this._

He looked up at the sky, "You know something, God. It's times like these where I should ask you for help, but it's time's like these that I _really_ fucking hate you."

------

Caleb had walked out of the room.

She turned to Ryan. "See, my dad thinks that I met Sandy in class. Which is somewhat true, he was in one of my classes. But it was in a bar, and then later a bar fight where I actually met Sandy. Maybe not a bar fight, more or less I somewhat rescued him."

Ryan raised his eyebrow at the comment.

"Maybe that's why he brought you home Ryan. He saw a younger version of himself, always solving everything with a fistfight. You and Sandy are truly cut from the "same deck," as he would call it. When I first met him and he carried this burden upon his shoulders the only thing he knew was how to run away or fight. Then he would come back with apologies out the wazoo. In time he learned that running away and beating the shit out of everything wasn't the answer. Just like you."

Ryan gave her a curious look.

"He hasn't done this in forever, but while we're waiting for him to cool off and return, let me tell you how I met him."

_-----_

_She was out at the local hang out bar and she had a few drinks, giving her a nice solemn buzz. Not enough that she couldn't function or walk but enough to feel good and forget about the hectic school week. She had come here, to this school, against her father's wishes but in the end he had still supported her. The bank account she had up this way held enough cash that she could go buy the hottest luxury car if she wanted to, for shits and giggles, and then tomorrow her dad would see she spent that much money, shrug, and then transfer some more. _

_She supposed he thought of it like a game. _

_Casting her glances across the room she saw most of her classmates, including him. _

_Sandy Cohen._

_He was quiet, and on occasion they spoke to each other in class or in the hall, but he never once made her feel uncomfortable like the other guys that hounded her and asked her out time and time again. _

_She didn't know it but every time someone asked her out, he would pause and wait for her answer. _

_She felt comfortable around him, and when he saw her in the bar he came over and said a nervous hello._

"_You're jumpy. I've never seen you jumpy before," she noted._

"_Um, I try not to do the whole drunk, crowd, thing cause it' doesn't' work out for me much," he muttered._

"_Uh huh," she raised an eyebrow and he blushed and grinned bashfully, his head down and hair flopping into his eyes. Damn his accent._

_Meeting her eyes he shrugged. "Sometimes I'm not the most well liked person because I'm from New York." She grinned, he didn't say New York. He said New' Yark. _

"_Well Sandy Cohen, I like you just fine."_

_He grinned. "Good to know."_

_He looked around the room at the envious pissed off looks from the other college boys and frowned. "I should be going, I'm more than likely already due for an attempted ass-kicking for talking to you. Lucky for me I didn't bring my friends so I'll have to kick their ass's myself."_

_She looked around. _

_Mitch. _

_In honest reality she was sure he probably could. However they would gang up on him and cheat, but he would give his all._

"_Yeah that asshole can't take the hint."_

_He smiled again at her and she couldn't help but grin back. _

"_I'll be seeing you, Ms. Nichol."_

"_Goodnight, Mr. Cohen."_

_------_

_Yep. He was going to pay. This was so childish and high school like. First off he was no longer in New Yark as he liked to say, he was in CALIF-OR-NIA. Big difference. And yet the same leeching people seemed to be here. Dumb little rich bastards who were here on Momma and Dad's cash flow. Well, at least all the bullies think alike. It must be like a bully club or something. Our Motto: PICK ON THE OUTSIDER, OR THE ONE MOST LIKELY TO SUCCEED AND GRADUATE. _

_Mitch and his gooneys, they threatened anyone who talked to her because Mitch wanted to date Kirsten and she flat out refused him._

_Time and Time again. _

_A hand pressed down on his shoulder and he turned, swinging. _

_He connected with a lot of things that night, shoulders, faces, collarbones, and someone's head._

_But eventually they had ganged up on him and he was furious for it. So he went down swinging._

_And that's when Kirsten walked in._

_Literally walked in. "Mitch. I swear on my father, you touch him again, Ill have you thrown away in jail for life."_

_Startled looks where passed her way, but they saw she was serious so they heeded her warning, leaving the kid who was their age, flat out on the ground._

"_Ah Christ Sandy. Look at you!" She bent down to help him up. _

_The amount of fury that surged through the young man's eyes was staggering. He flinched away when she bent down to touch him and when his eyes met hers they held sorrow and anger, an outrageous amount of anger. _

_She pulled away from him slowly. He didn't even recognize who she was. This man wasn't just fighting Mitch and his goons. _

_He was fighting past ghosts._

_She sat down on the ground next to him and gentle touched his face. "Sandy?"_

_This time he recognized her and his eyes flashed an apology. "I'm sorry."_

_She shook her head. "My apartments a few blocks from here, can you walk?"_

_He shrugged and then very slowly stood up. He grimaced, "I'm fine."_

"_Like hell you are. Please Sandy, come with me."_

"_I don't need your pity." He began to walk away sluggishly._

_She marched in front of him. "I don't pity you. I want to help you and I want you to come up to my place. Now."_

_He searched her face for a true answer, the 'Yes I do pity you please refuse my offer,' answer._

_But it wasn't there. And his apartment was all the way on the other side of campus and then a few blocks. _

_She helped him limp to her place and she ushered him inside. He sat down on her floor and leaned against the couch. _

"_You don't have to sit there." But he waved a dismissive hand. He just had to sit and this is where he happened to collapse without looking so conspicuous. _

_Leaning his head back on the cushion he closed his eyes._

_Kneeling down beside him, she heard his labored breathing and became concerned. She tugged at his shirt and he flinched away. _

"_Don't coddle me. I'm fine."_

_She looked at him. Out of all the men who had asked her out, this man here was the only one to ever visit her apartment. He was the only one who had ever even been up inside her apartment. But he was also the only man who didn't make her feel uncomfortable. She liked him. _

_She liked him a lot._

_She didn't say anything but walked back into her room and grabbed an old T-shirt of Jimmy's, they were about the same size, and a pair of his old Nike shorts that she had stolen because she liked them._

_She tossed them to him they smacked him in the face and fell down to his chest. A tired arm blindly reached up to feel what had been thrown._

"_Go take a shower Sandy. You're staying the night."_

_He raised an eyebrow and managed to mumble, "Now who's hitting on who?"_

_She chuckled and smiled that beautiful smile that would later melt his heart._

_He managed to get up and do what she asked. He raised an eyebrow to the clothing._

"_Ex boyfriends'. They're comfy to sleep in."_

_He nodded. The questions of 'Why do women always do that?' entered his thoughts. _

_The heat felt good and he groaned at the large bruises forming on his body. Down over his ribs were starting to turn a shade of blue, over his chest, right in the middle of the sternum was a sickening black and you could easily see where the knuckles had hit. Over his shoulders and back, one of them had been wearing a ring, and you could see the small gashes from it on his body. He was going to be a mess. _

_They didn't touch his face. That was good thing._

_Stepping out of the shower hurt like hell and when he opened the door he came face to face with her. Well more or less face to forehead. _

_She looked up at him and then took advantage of his calm state and lifted his shirt. _

_She winced. _

"_Oh Sandy." _

_Her eyes welled up with tears for the amount of pain he must have been in and she gently picked up his shirt more and moved around to his back. Everything was turning into one large, dark, rainbow bruise gravitating from light blue, yellow-green, and finally black. _

"_You need to go to the hospital."_

"_No, I don't. This is nothing compared to what I was used to." He hung his head._

_She frowned and then she realized the boy from the Bronx had fought everyday of his life. _

_She never understood why she did what she did in that instant. Maybe that was the moment she fell in love with Sandy Cohen, when he stood there in front of her, like a child, his head down to his chest admitting defeat and just waiting for the next beating or berating of his life. _

_She took his hand and led him to her bedroom and he was to tired and achy to care. He laid down his body weary and thankful for the soft bed. To his surprise she crawled in with him. _

"_Kirsten no. No, no, I don't want you to be uncomfortable; you have done enough…" he winced, his attempt to site up thwarted by a sharp pain._

"_Shut up Sandy. Let someone take care of you for once," she muttered. _

_He closed his eyes and she moved closer to his body, and placed a hand soothingly on his chest. _

"_Rest for a while Sandy. You're safe with me, I'm not going anywhere."_

_He smiled and took her smaller hand in his, placing it over his heart, which was thumping wildly. _

"_Kay. I'm sorry..." _

"_No apologies tonight."_

_He nodded and fell asleep._

_------_

That was the exact moment Sandy Cohen chose to rush back into the hospital room with a single rose and an apology on his lips.

"I'm sorry honey. I'm so sorry."

She smiled, looking at Ryan, and then looking at him and reached her hand out. She took his hand in hers and ran a finger over the bruised flesh.

"Feel better?"

He looked away guiltily.

"No."

"A dock?" She indicated to the bruising of his hand.

He shook his head. "A sign."

Her eyebrows raised and her mouth tightened. "Mmm."

That was the all-knowing 'Mmm.' the type of 'Mmm,' that only mother's can do. The I hope-you-learned-you-lesson, 'Mmm,' the your in big trouble 'Mmm.'

Ryan knew that 'Mmm,' very well, the shit could hit the fan at any time so he chose that moment to say he was going to call Seth. Sandy stopped him. "Go wake him up and bring him here. Don't say anything. Your mother and I will tell him."

He flushed. He still sometimes hadn't gotten used to Sandy calling her his mother. He did it with such ease like Ryan had lived there all his life.

But she was. Just like he was his father.

"Okay."

"Honey, drive safe. Please?" Her voice echoed concern and worry.

"I will."

He left the room.

-----

Face Off.

She eyed him.

He glared at her. He was waiting for her to yell at him, but instead she simply patted the bed beside her and all was forgiven.

Sort of.

She twisted the rings on her finger. A nervous habit that played out time and time again.

She sighed and looked at him, her eyes asking his, _what do we do?_

He looked back into hers, a feeling of helplessness traced his features and she knew what he was thinking. _There was no way she was having this baby. _

"Sandy, I'm tired. I'm aching. I don't want to argue," her voice .

_Yep. She knew there was going to an argument. _

He sighed deeply and then resigned, pulling the chair as close to her bed as possible.

He took her hand in his and laid his head on the bed. Her fingers played with his for a few moments before stilling and her grip relaxed.

He looked up at her, his eyes filling with tears, he took her limp hand and brought it up to his cheek, the wetness from his cheeks soaking onto the back of her hand. He laid his head on the bed again and silently wept for his wife and unborn child.

'_If one does not know to which port one is sailing, no wind is favorable.'_

_------_

Ryan sat in the Range Rover, his hands placed on the heated steering wheel. He laughed smartly to himself, the first time he ever sat in this car he was amazed. When he asked Seth what the monthly payments are on this car Seth laughed nervously.

"_Uh dude, we don't have monthly payments."_

"_Huh?"_

_He chuckled, "My mom wrote a check and paid the thing off at the dealership."_

_He raised his eyebrows. "Whoa," he whispered._

_Later that night, Ryan used the Internet to look up the vehicle, The 2005 Land Rover Range Rover Westminster, MSRP $ 85,355. _

_Yep, Eighty-Five Thousand Dollars for one car._

_For one car that didn't EVEN get good gas mileage. Eighty-five buck-a-roos. The car had more features than he even knew what to do with. _

_So since he had looked up her car, he looked up Sandy's series 7 BMW. It ranged from sixty-to-one hundred and odd some grand. _

_They had probably crossed the 'I's and dotted the 'T's without a second glance. _

_He shook his head, simply amazing. _

_------_

He probably sat there an additional ten minutes before he put the car in drive and drove off towards the house.

Seth.

He envied that kid sometimes. Rich, great house, wonderful parents and no one ever hit him in his life.

Now he had that life too.

And now _this._

He wasn't exactly sure how Seth was going to react, most of the time if something was bothering him he would sit up in his room with Captain Oats.

He pulled in the driveway and opened the front door, Seth had gotten dressed and the phone was in his hand.

"I was just going to call you, man. What's going on?"

Ryan stared blankly and cleared his throat.

Seth knew.

He knew it was bad news.

------

"_Time to go," Ryan echoed solemnly. He didn't want to go._

_Sandy looked down at the baby reluctant to let her go. He placed her in the bassinet and stood._

_Sandy straightened out his suit, and that was the first time she got a look at his face. Then, she knew, she knew by the way he looked and the way he acted that she had died._

_He straightened out the invisible wrinkles of his suit and walked to the kitchen. _

_Seth's voice was hoarse when he spoke, "Dad, the limo's out front."_

"_I'll be there in a minute, son."_

_He rummaged around in the closet and found what he wanted, alcohol, 80 proof- to be exact. He looked around nervously but no one was in the kitchen so he tipped the bottle back and drank deeply, emptying nearly a quarter of it before he grimaced and stopped._

_He straightened up his suit again and inhaled deeply. His hand ran through his long hair and then over the beard that had been accumulating on his face. Fuck shaving._

_Walking out into the living room and through the front door he called shakily to Rosa who watched in the doorway, "We'll be back." _

_She gave a small smile and nodded._

_And then her death will truly be permanent. _

_Walking outside he put on his sunglasses and looked at Seth, who was holding the door of the limo open. _

_He raised his eyebrows in acknowledgement, gave a tight smile and climbed in._

_Sandy stared out the window the ride there thinking of nothing but her, how much he missed her. _

_How much he hated everything now._

_How much he positively hated coming home to an empty house, an empty bedroom and his kid's stony faces. Whenever he was home they followed him around, or one of them would peek in on him now and again whenever he was in his study and ask a mindless question like, "Dad, Should Vegetarians eat animal crackers? If you could bungee cord in space, would you ever stop? If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?"_

_Stupid mindless questions, Seth would ask. Ryan would just peek his head in now and again and when he was satisfied he would quietly walk out of the room._

_They just wanted to make sure he was okay, and for their own peace of mind that he was still there. That he hadn't left them too. _

_Most of the time he spent with the newest little addition. Whether he would crash on the floor of the baby's room sticking his hand up through the crib railing and having her little hand grab hold of one of his fingers or whether she fell asleep on his chest on the couch and he would fall asleep there with her. _

_The limo stopped, The Newport funeral home. _

_He hesitated before opening the door of the car and stepping out into the dismal gray day. At least the weather was cooperating with his mood. He would have been highly irritated if it was bright and sunny._

_The last showing was at three. It was only two o' clock. They had to be there early again, for the whole town was likely to show up and then follow them to the cemetery. _

_Caleb insisted this and Sandy had only made the decisions in blind faith. He was too much at a loss. _

_He cast a glance over his shoulders and his boys were slowly getting out of the limo. He waited for them to catch up with him and they both gave him looks that broke his heart. They didn't want to do this either. Seth stopped dead._

"_Dad, I … No… I can't see her. I can't do this…" His face was crestfallen. _

"_Seth. Look at me, Seth. I don't want to do this either. Believe me," his father's deep steady voice broke._

_Ryan looked at the floor. He knew Sandy was dangerously close to crying. _

"_Lets just go do this and we can go home," he said the word home as if it was the last place he wanted to be._

_They all stood there, jaws locked, muscles twitching, and then Sandy put his arms around both their shoulders and led them into the parlor. _

------

Kirsten awoke with a start. She trembled, her body was freezing and her gown was soaked again. She went to move her right hand to wipe the sweat from her forehead and she lifted his as well, waking him.

He was slightly disoriented but he looked at her concerned. He watched her tremble and her face glowed with perspiration. Her fever was back and it showed in her glassy eyes. She shivered again and pulled the thin sheet up around her.

He sat up stiffly before he leaned up and kissed her forehead, savoring the moment with her.

She leaned back against the pillows to tired to do anything other than take comfort in her husband. She wanted nothing more than to be back at home with him, curled up in their soft bed, her back safely against his chest, one arm tucked around her, the other hand she would place against her cheek and fall asleep. Not in some dismal hospital bed wondering where their lives where heading.

She looked up at him and saw the expression of fear and then he quickly masked it with a smile and kissed her lips. She watched as he retreated to the bathroom and brought out a wet cloth and dabbed at her forehead, her neck and her collarbone. She shivered as the air touched her clammy skin.

She was exhausted, and her body ached like there were little men at every joint with a hammer and every time her heart beat one of those little men pounded at a part of her body, like right now, her back and legs.

He too was exhausted; the day to come was going to be long. There were going to be needles, doctors, tests, more needles, decisions to be made, and everything that he didn't want to think about. He just needed to focus on her.

She closed her eyes against his touch and grasped his hand tightly. He sat down on the bed with her and she leaned into him. She felt his arm go around her and for the moment she was safely tucked against him, listening to his heartbeat thump reassuringly in his chest. With her body against his, their hands entwined together she fell into a troubled sleep.

Nothing could harm her when she was with her savior.

------


	4. Honesty is Truthfully Policy

_This is for all the reviewers. ALLLLLLLL OF YOUUUUUUUUUUUUU. I love it when people tell me they read my story like 20 times. I love it. It gives me the urge to think of better and keep going and post faster._

_You guys are all awesome. Please keep it going, hell review it twice, three times, I don't care, I love reading what you guys like, or dislike…I hope you all enjoy this one too…._

_Song below: Stain'd – Zoe Jane. AWESOME song. It fit._

------

"_We can never see past the choices we don't understand."_

"_Are you saying I have to choose whether she lives or dies? _

"_No, you've already made the choice. Now you have to understand it."_

_-The Matrix Reloaded._

------

"_Can I stay for a while?"  
"You can stay forever."_

_-Notting Hill_

------

_Well, I want you to notice_

_To notice when I'm not around_

_I know that your eyes see straight through me_

_And speak to me without a sound _

------

_Her feet wouldn't reach the floor of the kitchen for some years to come yet. He watched in mild amusement as she struggled into her chair, wiggling around for a better comfortable position. Her blond hair had the natural curls that only a child could have and when he looked into her eyes he only saw her mother. Sometimes she would give him a look that he swore was Kirsten reincarnated. She had her temper and stubbornness too. And she held the ability to twist him around her little finger already. _

_It dawned on him that his daughter was seven years old, soon to be eight. _

_It had taken him five years to get off his feat and start practicing law again. Kirsten's dying wish to her father was that he would take care of Sandy financially, because she knew he wouldn't have been able to do it himself. Not that they didn't have enough money, but Caleb understood. It was her own 'Daddy please make sure he's okay, because I can't be there anymore wish.' _

_So Caleb had done just that, but it had been subtle and Sandy hadn't cared. He sold the house, everything there reminded him of her, and he just couldn't live that way._

_Seth had come looking for him once and found him frozen in the doorway of their bedroom. Everything was as she left it. Earrings and necklaces strewn over the dresser, her pajamas still tucked in their drawers, the book they had started reading together stuck on chapter 7, page 122, all waiting for her return. The room smelled of her. He was just stood there, frozen in the doorway stuck in shock and grief. _

_What the hell was he going to do? _

_Seth sure hadn't known what to do._

_So Sandy did only what he knew andwhat he thought was best. He went through the closets, gathered what he wanted, took the valuables, pictures and the little things that meant most and sold the house fully furnished. _

_So he bought a new house, still overlooking the ocean, because at night once his little girl was asleep he would sit outback and listen to the waves crash and think of Her while nursing a beer._

_He had cleaned up a bit, his hair a bit shorter, but his face now held a goatee. The whole going back completely clean-shaven just didn't sit right because that was the look he had Before. That was the look Kirsten liked. So he kept a short goatee and his hair was short too._

_He took a job at a fancy law firm that he didn't have to go to court, he "settled" so to speak and was home by the time Allie got home from school. _

------

_And I want to hold you_

_Protect you from all of the things_

_I've already endured_

_And I want to show you_

_Show you all the things_

_That this life has in store for you_

_And I'll always love you_

_The way that a father_

_Should love his daughter_

-------

"_Daddy, I need help," she huffed crossing her arms. _

"_What's wrong sweetie?" _

"_I can't figure this out," she raised an eyebrow to him._

_He walked over to her and looked over her shoulder. They were doing addition problems and had just started multiplication problems, with one division problem at the end for a bonus point. Private schools jumped at the chance to challenge kids and gave them a head start early on._

"_Well let's see. It's 4x2."_

"_Wouldn't that just be 6?" Her voice was optimistic. _

"_No baby. It would if it was addition. This is multiplication see the X? Its four, twice." _

_Brilliancy and recognition flashed across her beautiful features and she wrote down the number '8'._

"_That's my girl," he whispered softly and kissed the top of her head proudly._

"_Kay' I'm done. Can I go play? Can we go swimming later?" She asked hopefully._

"_Yes, and maybe." He smiled. _

_She scurried off through the house, up the stairs to her room._

_Ryan and Seth would be home from college for winter break._

_He was glad the company would be nice. It was just Alexandria, himself and Rosa. It was lonely, although Caleb stopped by almost daily to see his granddaughter and Jimmy came over still, so did Julie. But other than that, he didn't have many visitors. Summer and the boys were at college now. Allie sometimes asked him if some of her classmates could come over and they would play and there would be children's laughter. But the house was silent except for Allie and himself._

_He knew she deserved more than he could give her, she should have deserved her mother, but he couldn't bring himself to touch another woman, much less even look their way, despite being asked out by tons of them._

_He still wore his wedding band. _

_------_

_When I walked out this morning_

_I cried as I walked to the door_

_I cried about how long I'd be away for_

_I cried about leaving you all alone_

_------_

_Going back in time, he smiled at the memory of swimming. He watched her splash about in the pool with her floaters on her little arms._

"_Daddy, c'mon pleeeeeeeease!?" She looked at him again, her bottom lip pouted._

_It tugged at his heart._

_He grinned and shook his head. "Okay, but you DO NOT DO THIS unless I'm in the pool with you. Do you understand?"_

_She nodded enthusiastically and he took off her floats and she swam perfectly fine without them. _

_The kid loved water. That trait he knew she got from him._

_He watched as she went underwater and swam around him. Kids were amazing when it came to swimming. They had no fear. _

_She came up sputtering and he was there in two strides, pulling her above water, cradling her to his chest, but she giggled. _

"_Are you all right?" His voice was full of concern._

"_I'm okay Daddy, wrong pipe." She coughed again._

_He pulled her close and kissed her temple. If he lost her he honestly would go buy a gun and shoot himself._

"_C'mon kid, your pruning." _

_She pouted. She loved swimming._

"_No, Alexandria, it's getting chilly and you still need a bath before going to bed." He used her first name, he was trying to be stern. _

_She pouted more giving him that look again that was all her mother._

_He resigned with a sigh, "Fine, five more minutes and that's it."_

_She smiled at him, the innocent childlike smile, and the same one her mother held at times, when she wasn't pissed at him. _

_A tear of water streamed down her cheek and he unconsciously wiped it away with his hand. _

"_Love you Daddy."_

_He smiled and shooed her away, "Go Nemo, Go."_

_------_

_And I want to hold you_

_Protect you from all of the things_

_I've already endured_

_And I want to show you_

_Show you all the things_

_That this life has in store for you_

_And I'll always love you_

_The way that a father_

_Should love his daughter_

_------_

She opened her eyes to agonizingly bright lights. Something dark was standing over her. She blinked a few times and finally everything came into focus.

Seth.

The worried look on his face reminded her of a puppy that had gotten beaten with a newspaper.

She groaned and wearily sat up, trying to rub the ache and grogginess away.

Looking around the room it was just the two of them. He settled into the chair.

"I told Dad to go home, he was passed out on your bed, and I told him to take Ryan with him. He was about ready to pass out in this super comfy chair here. I thought we could have a little bonding time, mother."

She smiled sympathetically.

Only Seth would use such satirical humor.

He stared.

He tilted his head slightly and sighed attentively. "Mom, what's going on?"

_'Seth, why couldn't you have been here when the doctor dropped the bomb on all of us?'_

She sighed.

"You're going to have a little brother or sister soon," she murmured hoarsely but happily.

_'Saying it with a smile fools them all.' _

He raised an eyebrow. He wasn't fazed. He had Sandy's intuition.

"Than why did Dad walk out of here like a conked out boxer and Ryan the Hunchback of Notre Dame?"

She cast her glance downward to her hands and watched as they played about with the wedding bands. Her eyes flicked over to the bleach white bed sheet, the yellowing ceiling tiles, the IV in her hand, and then finally to the distressed look of her son. His chocolate brown eyes shown with a fear that riveted her down to her spine.

She shivered.

She suddenly realized how serious and badher situation in fact was. It was like reality smacked her in the face. She could no longer pretend everything was going to be fine, when it wasn't.

"Seth…"

His bottom lip trembled and there was a brilliant rush of red that dazzled his cheeks.

She didn't need to tell him, he already knew.

He wanted her conformation. He wanted her to tell him that his father and brother were wrong. That the reason why they were walking like two whooped-to-shit bronc riding corpses was because the chairs were too hard in this hospital, not because his mother was dying.

"Seth, we'll make it through this."

_'Con-for-fucking-mation. It's what you wanted right Seth?'_

He bit his bottom lip and cast his stare across the room, swiping angrily at his cheeks as the tears that threatened to overspill, finally did.

This time Seth didn't have a witty comment for a comeback save.

He simply sat in the chair and tears fell down his cheeks like a rainstorm that came out of nowhere in the desert. That moment Seth's features aged ten years. He placed his face in his hands, he slouched slightly hunching over, his eyes clouded as mixture of emotions played in them, and his innocence left.

He never made a sound. She suspected those would be made in the safety of his bedroom with the little plastic horse he talked to.

When he finally let his eyes meet hers again they held apologies. Apologies that said, _'There is nothing I can do for you and I don't understand why. I CAN'T HELP YOU!'_

His eyes screamed for her to be strong and not to leave him. _Don't die, don't die, don't die, please don't die._

"Seth. Come here," she gingerly moved her aching body over for him to sit beside her. He rose and stood there for a moment, unsure of whether to bolt for the door and go down to the beach and yell at the top of his lungs, or to sit beside his mother and weep.

_'Please Seth, please?'_

He walked timidly over to her bed and sat down taking her hand. She reached up and wiped away a tear that trailed over his baby soft features.

He looked down at her hand and smirked shaking his head. '_It only fucking figures.'_

"I love you, Seth. I'm going to be fine, the baby's going to be fine, all of us are going to be fine."

_'You will all be fine, afterwards. It takes time. You'll see Seth. You'll be able to live without me.'_

"You say the word fine like you're trying to convince yourself," he looked vacantly at her.

That was the biggest lie she ever told herself, she knew it and he had caught her. Her own tears threatened to spill over, but she stopped them, for his sake.

He made her cry. That wasn't his intention, he was hurting and he should just be supportive. He could take his hatred of what was happening out on someone else.

"I love you too Mom," he whispered.

She looked at sadly at him, and then gave him a fake smile; it was all she could muster.

The 'I love you's' were no longer said as an automated response halfheartedly. They were said with passion because whether anyone wanted to admit it, time was ticking.

------

She was dozing while waiting for the doctor to come in and tell her exactly what type of cancer she had, so they could come up with the best round of treatment. They had run dozens of tests on her that day, and she had the bruises on her arms to prove it.

She thought about Sandy, about how after his great "ass-kicking" he changed. Deep down under those layers that she slowly had to peel away she found that Sandy was quite the gentleman and brain.

He had the intellect to do anything he just needed the boost.

_------_

_After that incident they had developed a love of company for one another a gentle understanding that no matter what even in college they were outsiders. He was an outsider because he was from New York, pretty much poor, and had the attention of a beautiful girl._

_She was an outsider because she was richer than most people, and for that reason she was classified as a snob and she was now picking on "The normal man." Or so some girl had shouted at her. _

"_What, not enough rich people to bang in Newport?" The prissy girl sneered at her. _

_Kirsten said nothing. She merely flipped the girl off and gave her one of those killer smiles. _

_"People are always going to talk, so you might as well give them something to talk about," her mother used to say._

_Whatever. Fuck them, the little bastards. They were just jealous because she held the attention of the men they wanted to date and never could._

_Kirsten never lacked self-confidence, and why should she, she never had reason not to. No one berated her, she was gorgeous, she had the loving attention of parents, and the guys, she was popular. Sandy however was a different story, one she had yet to figure out. _

_She couldn't help it; she loved the company of this man who was sprawled out on her floor. He intrigued her and for the few months she had known him he went off on brilliant rants sometimes bringing her to tears of laughter at some of his ideas or comments. He liked to mumble things at the TV when he thought she wasn't paying attention._

_Sandy seemed to generally enjoy the floor. He rarely sat down on the couch like someone normal, sometimes though she managed to persuade__ him. _

_He was lying on the floor on his stomach, his books spread out in front of him, tongue peaking out of the corner of his mouth in concentration. _

_She was watching TV curled up on her couch. During commercials he would go back to writing and working on whatever it was he was doing. _

'_Moonlighting' reruns were on and she loved Bruce Willis.Sandy loved her company so it was a win-win situation._

_He groaned sitting up, and leaned against the couch, putting his head back on the cushion and gazing up and her upside down._

_She grinned. _

"_Hey goofy." She ruffled his hair and he closed his eyes against her touch. _

"_Mmph."_

"_Was that a word?"_

_He nodded. "Brain fried. Work no more."_

_She laughed. _

"_So go to bed."_

"_You're sitting on my bed." This was true for he slept on her couch more than he slept in the dorm room he called an apartment._

_She was about to move and he stopped her. "I was joking Kirsten I would never make you move off your own couch."_

_She just looked at him. She tugged on his arm and he moved sitting on the opposite end. The real shocker came when she thrust her feet into his lap. He tensed before he placed his hand on her leg. _

"_Sandy?"_

_He looked at her with a raised eyebrow, "Hrm?"_

"_Why are you so nervous around me?"_

_Honesty is policy._

_His face changed in an instant, his eyes cast to the floor and he spoke so softly she could barely hear him, "Because I'm to afraid I'm going to screw up the best thing that's ever happened to me." He flinched slightly, as if he thought she was going to yell at him and toss him out of her life, just like everyone else._

_She felt the heat rise in her cheeks and her heart fluttered. He had a way with words and the way he looked at her was like she was the only person in this world. To him, she simply was. _

_Then she smiled, and to Sandy the world melted away. That smile meant everything to him._

_She took his hand moved closer to him, eventually straddling his lap. She looked into his eyes and it took him a few moments before he would meet hers. Hesitantly his hands came to rest upon her slim hips, as he glanced down, his eyes took in how well his hands fit there. How they looked like they belonged there._

"_Sandy, what are you so afraid of?"_

"_That you're going to break my heart and never look back, and not even think twice about it, or that I'll screw something up, which is normally what I do. Cause I'm good at that, or the fact that I have nothing to offer you, and you're way out of my league. I…I don't know."_

_She stared at the man who at that instant she knew she would marry. The one that let his guard down and let the burden he had been carrying off his chest. _

_He smiled sheepishly at her. "Yeah I'm pathetic. I know. I – you do this thing to me. I can't act like myself. Its like I don't want to disappoint you and I know I will." He shrugged. "I'm sor-…"_

_She kissed him, slow and passionate. This time he didn't hesitate._

"_Sandy, you won't disappoint me. I don't that that's possible," her voice was tender and sincere._

_Her eyes spoke volumes as they said, 'I'm in love with you Sandy.'_

_He flushed pink as his heart hammered against his chest while her words echoed in his ears. 'I don't think that's possible. You won't disappoint me. You won't….' _

_'But I will,' he thought to himself._

_He brought a hand up to the side of her face, and traced the gentle outline of her jaw. He kissed her again, softly. _

_Perfect._

_She curled up against him, his arms wrapped securely around her. Her head fit neatly under his chin and her body molded to his, as if it was simply meant to be._

_Later in their relationship Sandy joked with her saying that was the day his life started for the better. She liked to say that it was the day hers ended. _

_She would gently tease him, "You're my favorite mistake you know that?" He would give her this sad puppy-dog look and she look at him with a grin on her face, moving around to kiss him, her arms wrapped around his neck as she held him close. "Baby you wound me."_

"_Only teasing honey, you know you're my only mistake," she would stick her tongue out at him, and he would raise an eyebrow to her and she walked away._

"_Oh you had better take that back, or else!" _

"_Or else what," she played along innocently with a smile in her eyes that could light up a darkened sky._

"_Or else you'll have to suffer the consequences. Take it back, honey!"_

"_Never!" she would whisper, watching him move closer to her. _

"_Fine then, you shall see," he said and he wrapped his strong arms around her and threw her over his shoulder, with her yelling his name. _

"_SANDY! This isn't fair!"_

"_Uh huh, I told you…"_

_He lowered her onto their bed and pressed his body against hers, effectively holding her down, but never making her feel uncomfortable against his weight. _

"_Now you must pay," he smiled almost bashfully at her before attacking her collarbone with his lips, hitting the sensitive spots and making her squirm and moan against him. _

"_No fair," she would always manage to whisper before she got one of herslender hands out of his grasp and would raise his chin, looking into his honest eyes and kiss him softly on the lips._

"_I love you. I hope you know that, Sanford Cohen."_

_He smiled tenderly at her, "I do." _

------

A soft knock shook her from her reverie.

"Mrs. Cohen? We have you're test results."

Seth looked up, his soulful brown eyes filled with dread and remorse.

"Its what we call Non-Hodgkin's lymphoma, or NHL for short."

'_Are we playing hockey at this hospital?' _Seth's conscious asked angrily. He darted his eyes away from his mother, his thoughts could only resort to seeing her like he watched people die on TV, cold, alone, scared. He didn't want her to be afraid.

"Um we have discussed things, and there are several ways to go about treating this. We can _blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,_ abortion, _blah, blah, blah."_

"Another _blah, blah, blah,_ chemotherapy is safe, possible side effects, _blah, blah, radiation, blah, blah._ You will be extremely tired, nauseated, _blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah._

"Or _blah, blah_, alternative, _blah, blah,_ hold off and have the baby as soon as possible, it would be premature, _blah, blah,_ _blah _we would do a C-section, _blah, blah, blah,_ then we could continue with chemotherapy and radiation. _Blah, blah, blah."_

She only caught certain words. She hoped Seth was listening he would have to explain this to his father. She didn't want this, she wanted a healthy pregnancy, with no fear. Now it was like playing a game but with her life.

She sighed; the room was slowly going to start spinning again. She could feel it.

Her whole body suddenly flushed with the heat of anger. It radiated to her belly and she felt such a surge of rage she might pass out. Underneath the covers she secretly placed a hand over her flat stomach. It held life. She, herself, was now death.

How controversial. It infuriated her.

"Mrs. Cohen?"

"I need to think about it," she muttered, knowing there was nothing to think about. Sandy would fly off the handle and try to convince her otherwise. Seth and Ryan would most likely take Sandy's side, knowing that if they put all of them together, they might have a chance. The doctor quietly left the room.

But she knew her decision.

She wasn't feeling so great again. Ryan and Sandy had seen how sick she could be. Seth however didn't. She knew there would be plenty of time for that.

"Seth sweetie? I'm really tired I want to get some rest, why don't you go home for a while make sure your Dad and Ryan are okay."

She smiled softly at him and he looked at her curiously. Something wasn't right.

"You sure?"

"Yeah honey, I'm going to try to sleep. I'm tired."

"Okay Mom," he said standing up and stretching.

He kissed her on the cheek, "I love you," and he cast a glance back in her direction as he walked out the door.

Her hands at least waited for him to exit the room before they started trembling. A deep shudder started from her stomach and it trembled the whole way up her body. Her hands were ice as they wrapped around her middle in another failed attempted to calm herself. She reached for the little metal basin that was kept beside every patient's bedside as another shudder seized and racked her thin body.

The nausea had returned, although she was sure that telling her son that she was dying had something to do with it,and the hormones probably weren't helping either.

She sighed shakily and swallowed, attempting to keep whatever was coming back up – down.

She trembled, her body was freezing, and the effort to keep from vomiting and trembling was breaking her into a cold sweat.

She leaned back into the pillow and closed her eyes, her teeth chattering dangerously together as she shivered again.

She felt a tear slip down her cheek and wiped it away. This was no time to be feeble and weak. She was going to get sick and she was going to go through it by herself because she was too stubborn to accept help and let Seth stay.

_'You had better get used to needed someone around. You aren't going to be superwoman anymore,'_ her brain chimed in.

_'Shut up, I'm not dead yet,'_ the other half said.

_The other half had no comeback. _

She pressed the call button for the nurse. She was going to need a bigger pan.

------

Seth walked through the door of the mansion to complete quiet. He checked on Ryan and he was sleeping. Seth figured he would let him sleep. He came back into the house and saw his dad passed out on the couch, a hand over his head and a blanket up to his chest.

He shook his head. His parents were so funny sometimes. Why they wouldn't sleep in their bedroom when one was away he just couldn't grasp. He even asked his dad that once and his father shrugged.

"_I've slept beside your Mom for seventeen years Seth."_

_Seth looked at him incredulously, "That's your big explanation?"_

_He looked at his son. "It's hard to explain. It just doesn't feel right."_

_He still stared blankly._

"_Seth, I don't know it's lonely? Will that do?" Sandy gave him a look. His son couldn't possibly understand, and there was no way Sandy could fully explain it._

_He just shook his head and walked away. _

"_Someday, if you're lucky, you'll understand," Sandy whispered._ _He hadn't heard him._

Trudging up to his room he flopped on his bed. He dialed Summer's number.

------

She rolled over on her side. Her body hurt so bad that she only wanted the pain that racked her joints to stop.

She groaned as she shifted again and sighed.

"I give up."

The feat of getting comfortable was nearly impossible. Her body just constantly ached no matter what position she was in.

She finally shifted and lay back against the pillows and stared at the slightly yellowing ceiling tiles and began to count the black dots that accented each and every one.

The black dots blurred as the tears started. She didn't want to die… she wanted to be there with Sandy to watch their little girl grow up. She wanted to be there to help raise her, to mother her aches and watch over her, to comfort her when she had bad dreams. She wanted a normal life.

She didn't want the self-destruction that was to come to her family, the hurt, and the ache. She tears fell and she rolled over bringing her knees up to her chest.

_'I don't want to die. I don't want to die. I don't want to die.'_

She cried for the baby that was inside her. She cried for the disease that she held no control over. But mostly she cried for Sandy, Ryan and Seth, and her little one. She would be raised without a mother. Nothing was more heartbreaking than that.

She sobbed and her body shuddered harshly as she thought of their faces when saying goodbye. She could see Sandy begging her, looking so helpless, but begging her to stay with them. Seth and Ryan not knowing what to say or do, their silent pleas echoing into her ears as she took her last breathes.

The tears flowed freely now, the sobbed racking her body as thoughts and images popped into her head like a movie.

Seth, Sandy, Ryan, the baby, the funeral, the drinking, the fighting, the yelling, the tears. Everyone crying, their stony faces, the confusion, the unanswered questions of _'What do we do now?'_

She cried for the helplessness she was going to leave them in.

She cried for Sandy, for the way her death was going to affect him and the relationship with the boys. For the responsibility of raising their daughter without her, how much strain that alone was going to be put upon him.

She cried for how much pain she was in right now and realized that it was only the beginning, things had hardly yet to lift off the ground.

She cried for the promise that she had made to Sandy so long ago._"I'll never leave you," she said with a lazy smile and kissed him sealing that promise._

She cried for the fact that there was nothing she could do to ease anyone's suffering, including her own.

"I'm sorry guys'. I'm so sorry," she whispered. "So sorry…"

Her body trembled harshly as she could only think, _'I don't want to die, I'm sorry, I don't want to die, I don't want to die, I don't want to die, I'm sorry.'_

------


	5. So Its Like This Now

_Note: Dear God, after that last chapter I was even bummed out. Lol, and I wrote the damn thing. Just to let you know, I struggled with this one. I love the reviews, one of the more memorable was: raggerga: "I'm going to go kill myself. How miserable. Fantastically depressing." I was like fantastically depressing? I thought to myself, it can't be that bad. A few reviewers even said they cried through it. So I went back and reread it and even I was bummed. Yeah wow. Keep reviewing guys seriously- I love them. Oh PS. I ran a fever this week by the way and the gnomes are real. :o) And every single bone in my body ACHED. But I'm good now…. You'll understand..._

------

"_A hero is entitled to his happy ending, when it comes at last." _

_"This is not the end, either for you or for her."_

"_Heroes know that things must happen when it is time for them to happen. A quest may not simply be abandoned; unicorns may go un-rescued for a long time, but not forever; a happy ending cannot come in the middle of the story."_

_- Peter S. Beagle, The Last Unicorn_

------

He rolled over on the couch, sighed for the umpteenth time and stared at the ceiling. He was not going to sleep tonight. He was surprised he had taken a nap for as long as he had.

Sandy stretch, shuddering slightly as the blanket fell away from him and cool air rushed against his warm body.

The house just didn't feel right; it felt cold and forlorn like. He wrapped the blanket around his shoulders and went out to sit on the patio overlooking the ocean, ignoring the chill that greeted him when he opened the door.

Sitting there and looking out into the night he bowed his head while his eyes cast steely glances at the ocean.

_'Why her? Why not someone else?' _

_'Why this? Why now, did she have to get pregnant now?' _

_'I can't raise a baby by myself. I don't even want to…'_

But he knew deep in his heart that baby would save his life should the outcome of his wife go tragic. He knew thats what she was thinking.

His thoughts were running together to the point where he couldn't even think of one thing coherently. It wasn't even just one particular thought it was everything.

He sighed and ran a hand through his already messy hair. What the hell was he doing sitting here at home, hell if he was going to feel miserable he could at least do it in her company, sleeping or otherwise.

He scribbled a note for the boys and left a 50$ dollar bill on the table.

Seth would say he was corny and happily snatch that fifty from the table while his quieter son would raise an eyebrow and contemplate what crazy idea Seth was coming up with and dragging him through next. Hopefully they could distract themselves for a little. He wrote that in his note as well.

Or maybe not, maybe they would just stare at the cash on the table, crinkle up the note and simply stare.

He wanted them to go to school but he understood completely if they didn't. He scribbled that down too, leaving the keys for the BMW on the counter and left.

------

A nurse had come into her room earlier and taken out the IV that had been in her upper arm. She now had the large blue-black aching bruise to prove it. There was a chair placed by the window in her room and she took her IV pole and grabbed a blanket and trudged slowly to sit by the window.

She had hardly fallen asleep and instead of the grim look of death on everyone's faces she dreamt of gnomes. Gnomes are supposed to be cute and helpful. These little buggers carried pickaxes and hammered at her body. So when she woke up her body ached again. It wasn't from the gnomes though. It was from the light fever that had started up again. As she walked over to the chair her joints thumped along with her pulse and each footstep jarred each bone in her slowly failing body.

She quietly eased into the chair her slow movements mocking those of an elderly woman. She groaned as her weight settled into the chair. She pulled her knees up against the chairs handles, situating herself so that she could watch out the window in comfort.

She really wanted alcohol right now, a nice glass of champagne, or chardonnay, or even better, several burning shots of vodka. It was bad enough that she had cancer, at least with cancer she watched her mother kill some of her pain by drinking. But she couldn't even do that, not with the baby.

She put her head in her hands and sighed in frustration. God, her body hurt. Fever's had the ability to bring out every single ache. She wanted a shower, or a bath, a nice, long, hot, steaming bath that could take away the constant, throbbing ache.

A shiver ran down her spin and erupted her whole body with a tremble. She tugged the thin blanket closer to her body as the perspiration beaded on her face, She was cold but lying on the bed was even colder, and the cold made her body ache even more. She couldn't stop moving when she lay down, the flowing throb ran through her legs like shin splints. She lulled her head onto her shoulders and attempted to crack her neck.

It didn't work.

She groaned and pulled her knees up tighter so that she could rest her chin on them. The pain didn't lurch through her body like a firecracker this way, maybe because it cut the circulation from her legs and slowed blood flow.

Whatever works.

------

He walked up through the hospital frowning as he passed the rooms. The smell of a hospital was bad enough, the proposed cleanliness that is poised while the place actually contained more germs than a battlefield gave him the creeps. Walking down the oncology ward he had the feeling of ominous doom as he cast the glances into the rooms.

The sick, the dying.

It gave him the chills as to how the hallways smelled, death had its own disgusting scent, and as he listened he could hear the groaning and moaning of the patients in severe pain.

The thought that Kirsten could be this made him sick. He remembered the times with her mother, but he had forgotten the grainy details of the ordeal.

He made a left down the long corridor and went up to the private room her father had managed to arrange.

The door was cast open slightly and he poked his head in casting a glance to the empty bed where his heart hammered in chest at the sight of an empty bed.

_Had something happened? _

His eyes adjusted to the darkness of the room and she saw her sitting there, curled in a chair.

He simply watched her. The moonlight cascaded down and over her body like a child's vigilant stare it enveloped her in a veil of angelic peace.

He heard her moan and took that as his cue to enter.

"Hey," his voice was gruffer and deeper than he meant it to be.

She barely lifted her head, "Hey."

He crossed over to her chair and saw that she had been crying. He kneeled down in front of her.

"Can't sleep?" His voice was deep and caring, and the sound made her shiver wanting his comfort.

She sighed. She was going to tell him a lie but decided against it.'_No Sandy, my bones are breaking in half.'_

"Impossible. It hurts Sandy. It hurts so bad," she whimpered. Her eyes were glassy with fever. He knew she was in pain as it registered on her face.

He frowned. "What can I do?"

She shook her head. _'Nothing.'_

"Awe c'mon honey, how about we start by getting you more comfortable over there?" He nodded towards the bed.

She moaned at the thought. "It's cold, everything hurts, and there aregnomes over there."

His eyebrows shot up and there was a confused look on his face.

"Gnomes? Honey?"

He reached up and felt her warm forehead and frowned again. Looking into her eyes he saw they were bright with the fever that raged on inside her. She wasn't very coherent.

He took her hand in his and helped her to her feet, walking her and the IV pole to the bed. She flinched slightly as her bare feet hit the chilly floor.

She got herself situated with his help and then rolled on her side facing him. Her hand grasped hold of his and he felt how clammy she had become. She shivered and moaned as anintense pain raced through her legs and up to her hips.

He wiped the hair and perspiration away from her face and she smiled her thanks at him. The chilling sweat that she had all over her body caused her to involuntarily shiver again. She was tired of shivering, of aching, of throwing up. She was just so physically and emotionally exhausted and it hurt so bad to sleep. Sleep should be peaceful, and resting. She dreamt when she finally slept so she got neither.

He tucked the blanket up around her and she closed her eyes at his touch. Wordlessly he moved around to the other side of the bed and put his hands under the covers to rub her back. Maybe the simple action of running his hands over her body would distract her enough so she could sleep.

Placing a hand on her damp, thin back he could only hopelessly wonder in fear, '_Is this how it was going to be?'_

Feeling his hands begin to rub lightly on her back her eyelids sagged with fatigue. Sandy was always good at taking whatever burden she had at the time and making it his as well. He would take this too and make it his, and it could destroy him. But the rhythmic circle's his soft hands were making upon the length of her body was making her incredibly drowsy. Slowly his hands went up the thin shoulder blades, over the muscles, and trailed down her spin. She was way to thin. Down her lower back over her slender ribs and back up following her spine again. Sandy's hands were so warm against her freezing body. They chased the gnomes away.

Her eyelids fluttered twice before she fell asleep.

------

Ryan sat at the hollow kitchen waiting for Seth to come down and join him. He read the note that Sandy had left and sipped his coffee.

_To go to school or not to-Zat is zhee question. _

He knew Seth would be all gung-ho about skipping, but personally he would rather go and distract himself.

As Seth waltzed into the kitchen he was dressed for school but looked like he hadn't slept.

"Hey man."

"Hey," Seth mumbled unenthused.

"Sandy left us a fifty, he said we could go down to the pier after school, maybe you know, after if we go…"

"Yeah, sure."

His head hung low and there were dark circles that were starting under his eyes. He drank some juice and then just looked at Ryan.

"You ready man?"

Ryan nodded, "Yep," he muttered with a tight smile.

Ryan's thoughts echoed Sandy's. '_So is this how it's going to be from now on?'_

------

She had finally fallen asleep hours ago under his touch. He moved around to face her, taking hold on her hand and holding it in his. He had always been simply amazed at this woman. Her delicate and soft features, he wouldn't have thought that this woman held more fire and wraith than anyone he had known.

Over time he had experienced her wraith from every level possible. The worst had been back in the college days when he couldn't judge her mood. When his mind had been as stubborn as hers and he wouldn't just give in. He fought with her over dumb things and his temper would blow things out of the water, causing him to do a "Hit and Run," as she would call it. Basically, someone, something would hit a sore spot of Sandy's, he would take offense, go somewhere, take his anger out on something, and then come back with the apologies of a prince. He could soften her steely gaze when he bought her flowers. That's what he used to do, time and time again until she made him grow up.

When Sandy first met her father, it was obvious the man had a distinct hatred towards the younger man.

Caleb Nichol had gone as far as yelling at Sandy saying that he wasn't good enough for his daughter, and she was only dating him to piss Caleb off and that Jimmy Cooper wasn't available anymore.

That was something Sandy couldn't take.

------

_Her mother had thoroughly enjoyed Sandy. She loved the smile, the gentle ease that he had around her daughter and vice versa. She was the peacekeeper, plain and simple._

_Caleb was a different story and used the word "roguish euphemism," to describe Sandy at one point in time. His arrogant mannerisms made Sandy feel less than welcome, and he had over heard when Caleb said he didn't understand why Kirsten was with Sandy when Jimmy Cooper was across the street. _

_When she had exasperatedly said, "Dad, he cheated on me," Caleb's mere reply had been, "Let bygones be bygones."_

_Now there were things that Sandy could take and couldn't. He could handle her Dad; he had been around people like him all her life his snide little remarks Sandy counter acted with the even better comments and on occasion shut Caleb the hell up. _

_He loved her mother; she enjoyed him and even said so, she was the one that made Sandy feel welcome and this rattrap semi enjoyable. _

_He couldn't handle the whole ex-boyfriend factor that Jimmy Cooper seemed to do with ease. _

_Which when her father had taken liberty on the family and simply invited him over after Kirsten hadn't seen him in umpteen months and the shocked look on her face as Jimmy Coopa' walked through the door was just another letdown to the whole evening. The arrogant bastard gave his ex-girlfriend a huge hug and a kiss on the cheek and put an arm around her leading her into the party again. _

_Katherine had seen his shocked gaze and when she cast her own towards her husband he wouldn't meet her eyes._

_So it was a setup. _

_If the kid didn't feel more out of place right now, she didn't know if he ever would. _

_She watched his expressions change from 'what do I do,' to 'I think I'm going to slip quietly out the door now,' and watched as he did so. He had told Kirsten he was going to use the restroom and came out just in time to see that Jimmy pull the whole hug and kiss thing, well, hell she wanted to be over there with him then fine, be that way._

_So Sandy sat out on the dark balcony overlooking in the ocean when her mother walked out to sit beside him._

"_Confidence Mr. Sanford Cohen. It's what you lack."_

_He looked at her with a raised eyebrow. "Ya don't say? Its kind of hard to have confidence around here," the last part was mumbled incoherently. _

"_Oh I do. It's the only think you lack that you need to be great."_

"_I'm not going to be great at anything," he muttered._

"_On the contraire Sandy. You're a passionate, loving, young man, that's not something I see everyday. Jimmy Cooper doesn't have what you have. He never has, he merely wonders though life, he does what's expected of him and he does it with lazy trust fund grace."_

"_Yeah well his lazy grace tactics seem to work for him," he nodded his head angrily to the party going on inside and Jimmy and Kirsten standing together._

"_You've got to much anger Sandy that you need to let go of, because it's holding you back. Lets face it young man you know it and I know it too. You've got the brains; you just need the confidence to complete it. You're a smart man Sandy- my Kirsten sees something in you. You're the only boy she's ever brought home to us other than Jimmy Cooper. She didn't really bring him home either, he sort of wondered lost through the door."_

_He shrugged and sighed the woman had the senses of a cat. He knew she was right._

"_Change isn't easy Sandy, but it is necessary."_

_He looked at her and nodded his head, giving her a small smile. _

"_I know."_

"_I'll see you inside," she said stretching and ruffling his hair as she walked by. _

'_Katherine Nichol, ladies and gentlemen, the one woman on the block who had some sense,' he thought as he watched her walk away._

_He stood up and stretched, moving his body so he could lean against the railing, resting on his elbows instead of trying to hide sitting on the steps the while the wind had fun with his hair tossing it in every direction._

_He heard the patio door open and shut and he knew who it was, but he didn't do anything other than bow his head. _

_She paused looking at him, studying, taking in his crestfallen features and she knew that she hurt him and her dad may as well sliced him in half. She slowly walked up to him, and ducked under a bent arm, sliding her way up his body to meet her lips with his. It was a shocking revelation to feel her warm lips against his mouth, playingwith his tongue.She grasped his shirt and pulled him closer to her against the railing, never breaking their kiss. _

"_Where have you been? I've been looking everywhere for you."_

_He pulled back. "Just sitting here talking to your mom, since she seems to enjoy my company."_

_Her eyes darkened and he watched as her facial features changed preparing for the fight. _

"_If you weren't off pouting, I would have enjoyed your company too."_

"_If you weren't off making the rounds with the ex-boyfriend fiancée fella than maybe you would have had my company," he muttered angrily._

_She smacked him in his chest. Hard. He sucked in his breath for that one. _

"_I brought you here because I didn't want to do this alone, I wanted you to be there with me, not for you to disappear and leave me in there by myself," her features changed again and she was going to pout._

_He said nothing and bowed his head. _

_Yelling at Sandy was about as effective as yelling at a brick. The brick would plainly stare at you and so did he. In time she thought, maybe the brick would actually respond and Sandy would not. Of course in time that's not how it went and eventually he bickered back and forth with her. She liked to think that he had even started some of their arguments. But for now she would have to guilt him and she was good at doing so._

_She turned in his arms leaning lightly on her forearms and watched the waves crash upon the moonlight lit beach. _

"_Fine, than I guess we'll just sit out here all night," she shivered against him._

_His lips cascaded down to her shoulders and the way they touched the skin was like a mere apology before he took off his suit jacket and wrapped it around her. His arms were still on either side of her and she leaned heavily back into his embrace while he leaned up and pressed a kiss into her temple. _

"_You're beautiful," his voice rumbled in her ear and she gave him a smile that could have lit up New York on a blackout, while leaning up to kiss him fully on the lips. _

_That's when Jimmy decided to make his entrance and their faces fell._

"_Hey you two!"_

_She felt Sandy stiffen and her hand grasped his, "Hey Jimmy."_

_She introduced them and watched as they seized each other up. Jimmy would be no match for Sandy and again she shivered as the wind blew so Sandy guided her back inside while Jimmy trailed behind them, smirking. _

_If Sandy thought the evening had already been bad, he was in for a huge surprise._

_It was such a blur, he remembered Jimmy flirting with his girlfriend while he stood beside her, he remembered Caleb saying something along the lines of "She's only dating you because she pities you and to piss me off," and then the topper of the night, Kirsten threatened to end it with him._

_He had gone down to the beach and she had followed him yelling his name but he wouldn't listen to her._

"_Go back to the party Kirsten, go date Jimmy since he's what your father wants."_

"_I don't care what my father wants."_

"_Tell me this Kirsten? Are you with me to piss off your father, or cause you pity me?"_

_When he said those words he instantly regretted them. _

"_I didn't mean that," he looked apologetically at her. _

_She simply stared at him. "If you think I would do something as low as that, I think we need to reevaluate our relationship. If you think I pity you Sandy. You're right, as of right now I do. I pity you because you let these assholes get into your head. If you think I say 'I love you,' just to say it, your wrong."_

_He started to walk away from her and she jumped in front of him._

"_Why do you always run away Sandy? Why can't you ever talk about anything? What the hell happened to you so long ago that you can't face it, even with me?" She was angry and she demanded answers. Kirsten Nichol was not someone to mess with. _

_He stopped._

"_Do you want to lose me Sandy? Is that what you want? Cause your about this close to getting it." She held up her fingers showing a scale. _

_No. No fucking way._

"_No," he barely whispered. _

"_No what?" She was shivering it was damn cold on the beach. _

"_No, I don't want to lose you. I can't, lose, you," he whispered again taking off his jacket and placing it over her shoulders again. _

"_Then don't." she replied smiling gratefully at him for the warmth. "Let me in Sandy, I won't hurt you." _

_He hung his head, "I know."_

_He was a kid all over again, a foolish kid. _

"_I'm sorry," he said miserably, his eyes conveying the emotions that his mouth couldn't say. _

_She didn't say anything but her hands managed to find his shoulders and pulled him close to her shivering body…. _

_------_

There was more but she coughed and startled him from his daydream of the past. Her hand held his tightly and he realized he had fallen asleep on her bed. He went to stretch and he found that she was looking at him with amused expression on her relaxed face.

"You were dreaming, and from what I could tell it wasn't pleasant."

He grinned and bowed his head, the hair falling in his eyes, "No. Not my most fondest memories."

She smiled. "What time did you get here?"

He looked at her a puzzled expression upon his face, "You don't remember?"

She shook her head, "Should I?"

He shrugged, "You were running a fever honey. Babbling about gnomes," he looked bewildered. "It doesn't matter now," he said dismissing the whole debate, running a thumb over the back of her hand.

_What matters is what are we going to do?_

She looked at him, the undying question poised upon his lips she could see it flashing through his eyes.

He leaned up and kissed her forehead, "I love you."

The smile she gave him voiced the words she didn't say. She knew it was his way of saying, _"I'm sorry for what I'm about to say or do."_

"Kirsten. What are we going to do?" The look on his face was painful to watch, how torn he was between losing his wife to cancer, or losing his child because of his own decision was unsettling.

_Time to be serious. _

"What do you mean, what are _we_ going to do, Sandy?"

"We're going to have to make a decision."

She shifted in her bed and her face turned somber. "There is no decision to make Sandy."

"Yes there is," he was adamant, his voice didn't waiver.

"If you think for one second I'm giving up my child's life for my own than you have another thing coming to you," her voice was stern, her eyes flashing a protective anger.

"It's the only way we can _SAVE_ YOUR LIFE!" His eyes flashed an equal protective rage, only for her.

"My life is not the one we should be worried about here!" She pulled her hand away.

"What about Seth? Hrm? Ryan? Kirsten, WHAT ABOUT ME? Do you even care what WE THINK? What you family thinks? We NEED YOU!" This time his voice broke in tremble and his eyes grew dark with the fear that haunted them.

_'I need you.'_

"I stand by my decision Sandy, whether you agree with me or not. I will not give up my child."

_'She's the only reason you will want to live Sandy why can't you see that?'_

He wouldn't look at her and she knew that he had tears in his eyes. She knew he couldn't understand why she had to play the hero when it came to her own life, that he just couldn't understand her decision.

"Sandy," she whispered reaching out as he was pulling away.

He still wouldn't look at her as he pressed a kiss against her forehead and she felt the tears fall from his face to her own cheeks. She was scared.

"Sandy stay with me." The tears burned in her throat as she reached for him.

He shook his head, "I can't. I have to go. I …" he choked barely able to get the words out before struggling out the door. He struggled from her grasp the tears falling faster and faster. His hand slid out from her grasp, until not even their fingertips touched.

"I can't…."

"Sandy…" she took a shaky breath calling after him once the door had swung shut.

Once outside her room Sandy collapsed against the wall, his body dragging down the structure like pancake batter. One hand went into his hair brushing it from his eyes and the other wiped his face from the free falling tears.

Then just as quick as he had fallen down he stood up again. He took the car keys out of his pocket and headed for 'her' car, head down, while the salty tears still fell. His heart pounded in his chest and he would have wanted nothingmore than to feel her arms wrapped around his body and for her to say everything was going to be okay.

But it wasn't.

Starting the luxury vehicle he sat there for a moment or two, trying to collect his thoughts before he peeled out of the parking lot.

Sandy Cohen wasn't much for alcoholism. But the only thing he could think of was taking a shot.

------


	6. The Vows

_Note. To Ally- thanks for always being my first reviewer. And to Brandywine421 for recommeding my fic on Twop always, and making me smile with the words she uses._

------

"_I didn't think it would end this way."_

"_End? No, the journey doesn't end here. Death is just another path... One that we all must take. The gray rain-curtain of this world rolls back, and all change to silver glass...And then you see it." _

"_What... See what?" _

"_White shores... and beyond. The far green country under a swift sunrise."_

"_Well, that isn't so bad." _

"_No. No it isn't."_

-_The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King._

_---_

"_Tell them how you made me fall in love with you." _

"_I smiled at him." _

"_Watch out for the smile boys."_

_-Life as a House_

_------_

_One. Burn. Her beautiful face._

_Two. Burn, cringe. Her soft, gorgeous features smiling at him._

_Three. Burn, cringe, lemon. The way her body felt against his._

_Four. Burn, cringe, cough, lemon, cough. The way she curled up against him when she was sleeping, wrapping her body around his like she would never hold him again. _

_Five. Burn, cringe, cough, sour face, lemon, sour face, cough. The happiness over Seth and the way he felt in his arms when he was a baby, and the way that he felt when he held them both._

Stop.

Five shots of tequila in five minutes, it burned and tasted like hell.

It would take ten minutes for those five shots to hit his bloodstream and make him woozy, drowsy, and manageable.

It made him forget the pain he was in.

_Six. Lemon, frown. Her kiss. God, how tantalizing was her kiss. _He shivered at the thought of her soft lips on his, her tongue playing with his, biting his lip, her perfect kiss. He couldn't think of kissing anyone else.

"Hey bud, don't you think you should slow down? The bartender raised an eyebrow.

Sandy pointed to another glass. The bartender sighed but obliged and he poured him another. Sandy tossed his head back dousing it down.

_Seven. Lemon, frown, Mmm buzz. The gentle tease of her tongue against his mouth, his neck and chest. Mmm God. The way she could coax himon hisstomach andgo along his shoulder line and move down to his shoulder blades and along his back._He shivered.

_Eight. Lemon, horrible taste, and fuzzy feelings. The way her body entangled with his, her arms wrapping securely around his shoulders and pulling him close._

The liquor was in his system now; he could feel the warmth spread from his stomach to his chest. The weightless feeling of his hands as they brushed sluggishly in front of him.

Yeah he was buzzing now. It felt good and Kirsten would kick his ass. He wanted his Kirsten right now, but he knew if he even showed up at the hospital his ass was grass.

Kirsten.

His wife.

His gorgeous, beautiful, loving wife with her dazzling drop-dead killer smile and with the way she knew that smile could melt his heart, the way that she could get anything she wanted from him.

_Nine. Plain and simple, BURN. Her. His Kirsten. NOT JIMMY COOPA's. HIS._

"_To have and to hold from this day forward to love and to cherish for better or for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health until death do us part, as long as you both shall live."_

"_I do."_

_'Until Death does us part.' _

_'I do.'_

_'Well Death, you're knockin' on our fuckin' door, how's it feel. PAL?'_

His anger from his youth was about to rear its ugly head if he didn't contain himself.

_Ten. Gulp. "I love you, I love you, I love you, and I love you, IloveyouIloveyouIloveyou."_

He sluggishly got up from the bar and slowly walked over to the furthest booth in the back dark corner the bartender following him with his eyes.

This place was gritty and dark.

Now his whole world was fucking dark.

"Shit. Dammit, I can't drive home now," he whispered to no one. He leaned against the wall of the table, "Dammit." The room spun eagerly. The tequila had done a number on him in a hurry.

He reached in his pocket and dialed Jimmy's number.

Jimmy answered. "Yello?"

"JIMMMMMMMAY."

Jimmy pulled the phone back and checked the caller ID. "Sandy?"

"The one and only," he slurred. "The one and only Sandy Cohen, at your service. Or I guess you're at my service, anyway you owe me. You oweee me Jimm-ee. Hey that rhymes!"

"Sandy? Are you drunk, wait, are you okay?"

"No I'm not drunk and no I'm not okay."

Jimmy paused.

"Where are you?"

"Jimmy. I'm at a bar."

Jimmy cracked a smile and played the drunken game of 'How-do-I-get-information-out-of-you?' "What bar Sandy?"

"Don't know, Jimbo. A bar."

Jimmy shut the door to his apartment and got in his car.

"Sandy, where are you."

Sandy squinted. "Bart-sol-a-mow?"

"Barstow?"

"Yeah. Sure? That's it Jim-bob."

"Okay Sandy, I'm on my way."

Barstow wasn't far away and when Jimmy made it there he stumbled through the darkness and cast a glance to the lone bartender who pointed to the last booth.

"Sandy what the hell's going on with you? Its not even noon."

Sandy stood teetering, "Jimbo, I need you to take me home," he garbled and tossed him the keys to the Rover before grabbing the counter again. "Please?"

Jimmy grabbed Sandy's arm and they made it outside, Jimmy holding up his weight.

"Sandy, where's Kirsten? Did you guys have a fight or Caleb say or do something? What?"

Kirsten. The only word Jimmy would mumble. The only word Sandy could hear, for it was the only word his brain was thinking of.

Sandy turned to him, looking at him with an angry gaze. "Why are the first words out of your mouth always my wife's name?"

"Sandy, I was just asking…."

"YOU ALWAYS FUCKING ASK ABOUT HER. She's always the first word out of your mouth."

Sandy turned on him angrily, almost twenty years of a jealous rage to build on began coming out. There was nothing more dangerous than an angry drunk man in love.

There was nothing more treacherous than jealousy.

"Sandy what's going on?" Jimmy's voice held confusion.

Sandy looked at him his greenish blue eyes filled with tears, "Do you love my wife, Jimmy?"

"Sandy," he countered, "Who doesn't love Kirsten?"

"That's not what I meant, Jim_bo_, I meant are you still in love with _my_ wife? Truthfully, answer me truthfully."

'_I'm a man Jimmy I can handle the unsaid truth.'_

------

"_I couldn't be married to someone who wasn't a man."_

"_I'm all man." Her smile flashed before his eyes. _

------

"Come on Sandy let's get you home."

"Answer me Jimmy," he sluggishly circled him.

"Of course I love her, who doesn't love her?"

Sandy smirked. '_Who doesn't love her?'_

"Are. You. STILL. In. Love. With. Her?"

"Sandy we have a past…."

Sandy's fist connected with Jimmy's face. He couldn't dance around the subject anymore and the alcohol combined with his anger, he snapped.

"You had a past Jimmy. HAD, It's past tense. She now has cancer, and she's pregnant with OUR second child. That's her future, _Jimmy."_

The anger that flew across Jimmy's heated face fell just as quickly when he realized what was going on. Sandy wasn't mad at him, Sandy was mad at the world. He hated everything and he needed someone to take it out on and he used the age-old excuse of past anger. Sandy didn't see the hurt in Jimmy's eyes as he thought that Kirsten was sick with cancer.

"Sandy I'm sorry."

But Sandy had collapsed against the SUV, slouching down against the hard, cold pavement. His tears fell freely and he didn't even attempt to wipe them away.

"I'm sorry too," he whispered.

_Till Death do us part…._

------

She wiped away the tears that had fallen down her porcelain cheeks. Why did everything with him have to be a fight? Why the hell couldn't he just support her decision?

She was going to give him an ultimatum the next time she saw him.

He was either going to be with her on this decision, no matter how much he hated it. Or they were through.

It hurt her like a knife to even think that thought. To think that there would be no more of them? They were Kirsten and Sandy; they had been together through seventeen years. You didn't say one's name without saying the other.

She wiped away another tear.

Her back was starting to ache; the fever was beginning to flare up again. Her legs were sweating, the shin splints on steroids were coming back burning up her legs, the bones were beginning to throb along with her heartbeat that was pounding in her chest.

'_Deep breaths_,' she thought to herself.

But she couldn't fight for three people.

She just couldn't.

------

When the last bell rang for school to end, Summer caught Seth.

"Did you call me last night Cohen?" She demanded hands on her hips. He never called. So something was up.

"Um yeah I did. Sorry. I just needed someone to talk to," he looked away.

To Summer, Seth looked un-Seth like. He was paler than normal, he hardly talked today at all and he wouldn't look at her.

"Okay. So talk?" She was supposed to meet Zach in an hour.

"Nothing Summer," he began to walk away.

"What Cohen?"

"Nothing."

"Dammit, Cohen, what the hell did you call for?"

He turned on her, "My mom's sick Summer. Okay? She's sick. My dad's a mess, my mom's sick and I don't know what to do."

She stared at him open mouthed. "When?"

"We found out a few days ago. And she's going to have a baby," he raised his eyebrows in amusement. "She has cancer and she's going to have a baby."

"Seth. Oh… I'm…"

"Yeah your sorry. Everyone is sorry. I'm tired of hearing apologies, my mom, and my dad, Ryan. I just wanted you to know before you heard it from anyone else."

He started walking away, and she followed. His news hit her like a brick.

"Lets go see her, Seth, she's probably lonely," her voice was soft and compassionate. Seth knew Summer always had a soft spot for his mother, because his mother always accepted her, calling her nicknames like 'Sweetie, or Honey.' His mother made Summer feel welcome like she had a home, and Summer had never had that.

Seth paused for a moment, contemplating the idea and then agreed.

"Okay."

------

Jimmy struggled with hoisting Sandy up. The older man had more body mass than Jimmy did, in fact he could vouch that Sandy was quite muscular, and stout.

Sandy became semi-conscious when Jimmy lifted him up under his arms and he felt pain rush under the tender flesh. He would probably have bruises there later on.

So he helped him the best he could, the world spinning around him. He wasn't feeling so good; he hoped he could make it home without incident.

When Jimmy shut the door he felt the heat from the seats creep up in him, while the smell of luxury vehicle radiated through and the disgustingly hot feeling made his unsettled stomach lurch and he opened the door and promptly began to get sick.

"Christ Sandy, you're really a mess. Don't get it on the upholstery."

Sandy held up his middle finger to the man who was helping him, the man who he had just punched and was yet still helping him. '_Like you wouldn't be you fucking cock-bag. Your wife only divorced you, mine is dying.' _

Jimmy smiled sadly with a memory that lingered in his mind from the past as he watched Sandy's shoulders heave....

_They were at some gala and Jimmy had asked her to dance. She looked beautiful tonight, and then he told her he still loved her that he missed her and she smiled sadly at him, casting a loving glance towards Sandy. "I'm in love with him, Jimmy," she told him that night with a look on her face that he knew was set in stone. Those words haunted him, "I'm in love with him, Jimmy."_

'_I'm in love with him, in love with him, with him, Jimmy, not you, with him. I'm in love with him, Jimmy.' _

_He smiled at her sadly with those words and the way she said it broke his heart, she had never looked at him that way, and she never said the words with the heated rush as she did with Sandy. The way her eyes danced when she said Sandy's name, the tinge of pink that flushed across her cheeks when he looked at her. _

_When the song ended he watched her walk up to him and watched as the way that Sandy looked her, she knew that when he looked at her, she was the only person on earth that mattered to him. _

_Jimmy watched them throughout the night as her father kept giving them dirty looked but she was oblivious to them all. Kirsten only saw Sandy, and Sandy only had eyes for her. She was wrapped in the secure arms of her lover, and she looked as if she had plans of never leaving his secure embrace. Sandy held her close, his hand on the small of her back; her body pressed so close to his, if it hadn't been for the different colors of fabric Jimmy wouldn't have known where one ended and the other began. He frowned as he watched Sandy lean up and kiss her forehead in the tender gesture. He himself had never done that with her and it was obviously appreciated with the look that she gave back to him._

_Later that night he had crept out on the patio to get some fresh air, they too were outside, he watched her smile up at him as he refused to kiss her._

_Jimmy would give anything to kiss her again, to move his lips upon the gentle rise of her shoulders or to kiss the softness of her neck, or the dark shadows of her collarbone. _

_Jimmy watched as Sandy kept moving his head away with a huge goofy grin on his face until she entangled her hands with his hair and laced her arms around his shoulders, while his arms came up around her waist supporting her body and he gave in to her request. The way she giggled afterwards about something he said, and the way she turned in his arms to look out over the ocean, leaning back against him. It was the simple things like her leaning back against him that Jimmy pined for again. The way she took for granted that Sandy was going to be there, and the way look of relief that was evident on her body when he held her. The security that Sandy gave to Kirsten was unbelievable and it shown on her face. _

_The way he reached up and tucked the tendril that had been blowing in his face from the salty air behind her ear and when he leaned down to whisper something that made her face radiate with a smile that Jimmy had never seen before. The way that Sandy smiled and looked at her and how she turned in his arms said "I love you too, Sandy," and the way the wind had carried those precious words to his ears. But it was the way she said them mostly, "I love you Sandy," with passion, with grace, but mostly with full fledged adoration for Sandy, and not him. Her words never radiated with passion when she said, "I love you Jimmy." That had hurt most of all. He may have been her first love, but Sandy was her soul mate. _

_They were made for each other. _

"You know Sandy, Kirsten never loved me the way she's loved you. She never looked at me the way that she did you, she never smiled at me the way she does you, and she certainly never said 'I love you,' the way she does to you. I envy you, I have every single day since I lost her."

Sandy's shoulders heaved again as his stomach revolted. Liquor really sucks coming back up.

"Good to know Jimmy," he whispered between the heaves.

Jimmy cracked a small smile.Guys_ are so stupid sometimes. He was stupid cause he lost Kirsten. But he was thankful that at least he lost her to a better person. _

"Are you done yet? I'm getting hot!"

"Shut up," he whispered weakly.

------

Kirsten expected Sandy to walk through the door, not Seth and Summer. Definitely not Summer.

"Hey guys," she said in her normally happy tone.

"Hey Mrs. Cohen," Summer managed to smile.

"Hey sweetie," she said as Seth came over and sat on the edge of her bed. "Hey mom," he replied weakly. She looked miserable.

"Where's dad?" Seth looked around, expecting him to peek around a corner or something.

"Don't ask." His mothers voice wavered and he knew they had fought.

"The baby?"

She nodded.

"He'll come around Seth. Give him time. This is hard on all of us."

Seth nodded. In the little game they played his mother was the hero, his father the savior and he and Ryan were the super children.

But this wasn't a game anymore.

"So guys, tell me about your day?"

Summer smiled, catching on with the hint,"Sure Kirsten, Today in chemistry…."

------

Sandy had passed out on the ride home for which he was grateful. Between the tears and his mumbling for his wife Jimmy almost pulled over and cried himself. The man was a mess, but than again if fate had been twisted and given him the chance to marry Kirsten, he too, would be a mess.

Pulling up to the mansion he opened the door so that he wouldn't have to struggle with it later and Ryan met him.

"I'm glad you're here, I'll probably need some help."

Ryan sighed. He knew this was coming, he just didn't think it was going to be this soon. Maybe it was better this way, he could get it out of his system and they could concentrate on healing.

Both Ryan and Jimmy hoisted Sandy up and he used their shoulders for support and they drug him to the couch where he laid down, more like collapsed.

"Sorry Jimmy. I didn't mean what I said back there," he grumbled.

Jimmy shook his head, "Don't worry about it. I would have probably done the same thing."

Sandy smiled weakly before he passed out on the couch an arm going over his face. Ryan covered him up with a blanket. Walking into the kitchen Ryan went to the freezer to get some ice for the shiner that was developing on his upper right cheekbone.

"He clocked me square."

Ryan smirked, "Sure looks like it."

"Yeah."

Ryan's eyes fell. "He told you about Kirsten?" It wasn't really a question as much as it was a statement. They had all sort of hoped that not to many people would find out, over time they knew it would be impossible to keep, but at least for the time being they prayed for privacy.

Jimmy nodded.

"It sucks," Ryan mumbled.

"You guys will get through this, it'll all be fine, she's strong, you'll see."

Ryan nodded. "Yeah…." His voice held the doubt that everyone thought about.

------

Summer continued her story and Seth watched his mom listened and always laughed at the right moments. She always smiled when she needed to; she always gave the right advice when needed. Seth watched as Summer's face was lit up when his mom smiled at her. He wished that he could give her what she needed and wanted most.

In Summer's eyes Seth Cohen's mother was the one she never had, and she would be here every single day from here on out, whether that meant the hospital, or at the Cohen household.

Kirsten was getting tired, her body was drowsy and her head was starting to pound. "I'm sorry to cut this short guys but I'm getting tired…." She smiled weakly and met their eyes.

Summer smiled sorrowfully. Seth frowned. Together they made up 'Happy and Sad.'

"Sure mom, we should be going anyway, you know, schoolwork…."

His mother nodded and smiled faintly.

Seth gave her a quick hug and a grin that she appreciated. He was growing up so fast.

Summer held on longer and Kirsten returned the embrace. "It's okay sweetie, you'll see baby."

Summer just held a grim look on her lovely face. '_No it wasn't.'_

------

Sandy Cohen was passed out into an oblivion that even the dead were envious of. In his sleep he smiled as the dream he was having was livid inside his head.

_The nurse had come in with two needles she needed two more boosters to make the inoculation complete. Her blue eyes got huge and she looked up at her mother apprehensively, her pupils large with fear._

"_Mama?" Her little voice cracked and she knew what was coming. Allie hated getting shots and Kirsten hated watching her daughter in pain. _

"_Only two this time Al, almost done baby."_

_Her little girl whimpered and Kirsten moved to sit with her on the small child's examining table at the doctor's office. _

_She quickly curled into her lap and the nurse took the cotton swap and dabbed her arm gentle as Alexandria watched. Her eyes widened as the nurse brought out the needle. _

"_Allie honey, look at me baby. That's my girl," Kirsten whispered as her daughter turned her gaze from her arm to look into her mothers loving eyes._

"_I love you baby-girl," she whispered as the nurse put the needle into her tender skin._

_Her daughter's eye's welled with tears as she felt the slight sting from the needle, she whimpered again and buried her head against her mother's shoulder. _

"_Almost done, Allie, almost done," she whispered._

_Her daughter nodded her head and looked at her again, keeping her mothers steady and loving gaze._

_The other arm went just as quickly and Kirsten kissed her forehead before wiping away a tear that chased down her cheek. "I'm so proud of you sweetie!" _

_The little girl whimpered and cuddled closer to her mother as the nurse said they could leave. _

_Kirsten smiled and tightened her grip on her daughter, as they got ready to leave the office. _

"_Will Daddy be home?" Her voice was hopeful. He could take away the pain that Mommy had made her endure._

_She glanced at her watch, "He should be, sweetie."_

_Allie nodded, a smile played about her angelic features at the thought. Kirsten reached out and again wiped away the tears that had fallen on her little cheeks. _

_He was at home waiting for his wife and daughter to walk through the door. His tie was loosened and he had taken off the suit jacket and rolled up his sleeves. Outside he heard the door slam and he listened as Kirsten opened the door and Allie scrambled through._

"_Daddy?"_

"_In here baby-girl."_

_She ran up to him and the look she had on her little face made him frown. "What's wrong little one?"_

"_Mommy took me to the doctors and he gave me two shots, it hurt," her bottom lip trembled as she showed him the band-aids on her arms. _

_He scooped her little body up in his arms and held her close to him, inhaling the innocent smell of her shampoo, "I'm sorry baby. Did it hurt bad?" _

_She nodded. "Mama's mean, Daddy."_

_He chuckled and Kirsten cast her family a dark look, "I am not."_

_Allie nodded her head giving her a look that said 'Yes you are,' as her curls bounced up and down with the rise and fall of her head. She gave her father a pout. He smiled as he kissed her downy temple and she curled up tighter against his chest. _

_He looked at his wife and she smiled at the two of them. She was Daddy's girl._

_She yawned and Sandy smiled, his little girl had a tough day with kindergarten and the doctors, "C'mon kid, you need a bath."_

_She shook her head 'No.'_

"_You'll feel better baby-girl," Kirsten gentle used the nickname that Sandy called her so much. She leaned up and softly kissed her husbands cheek. _

_She shook her head again and Kirsten held out her arms to take her. _

"_No. I want Daddy." She tightened the grip on her father. He wouldn't make her do anything she didn't want to._

_Sandy broke into a grin he loved it when she said that. "All right then kiddo lets get you up to bed." _

_He held her tightly and she placed her little head on his shoulder. Walking in her room he put her down and grabbed her pajamas. "C'mere ala-Bella," he said helping her out of her clothes and into her PJ's, using her middle name. _

"_Daddy?"_

"_Yeah sweetie?"_

"_Can you leave the light on?" She asked as he held up the blanket and she curled under it. The little night light in the corner glowed. _

"_Of course baby-girl."_

_He leaned up and kissed her on the forehead, her little hands grabbed hold of his tie and let it slide through her fingers as he leaned back to look at her. "I love you kiddo."_

"_I love you too, Daddy," she whispered as her eyes closed. _

_He kissed her temple again before getting up from the bed and going into his own room where his wife was. He smiled at the sight of her, knowing his daughter was her spitting image. _

_He walked up to her and kissed her shoulder. "She always makes me out to be the bad-guy."_

"_You are the bad guy," he teased gently._

"_Sandy!"_

_He grinned at her. She smiled at him and leaned over to brush her lips against his, "I love you."_

'_I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you…'_

_------_

When Sandy woke up he was disoriented, sore and thirsty. Sluggishly getting up from the couch he wandered into the dark kitchen grabbing Tylenol and drinking some water. He turned on a light in the kitchen and when he glanced out the window he could see his own reflection.

He looked like hell had run him over, and he felt like it to. Unshaven, his hair askew, the paleness of his face standing out, the redness of his eyes he could even see.

He felt like an asshole. He shouldn't have left when she pleaded with him not to. And he understood her decision now more than anything. He wanted that little girl in his life, but he wanted his wife too, he didn't want to have to choice or to have a higher power choose for him.

He didn't want anything to go wrong.

He ran a hand over his face and sighed. He wanted to go to the hospital to be there with her, but she probably wouldn't want to see him.

He had to try.

------

He arrived at her hospital room hair disheveled from his shower that he had taken. He looked around the room his eyes falling on the bed, she was sleeping, the pale glow of the hospital lights danced on her exhausted features.

He truly felt like the biggest asshole. How could he leave her like this? She was hurting, she was sick, she was pregnant and he left her.

_Till Death do you part…._

He walked in and walked up to her kissing her forehead and grabbing her hand. She pulled away from him.

"Get out Sandy."

The look on his face was pure shock and hurt.

"Kirsten I'm sorry."

"No Sandy. I can't do this," her voice trembled. '_I can't do this without you. Don't listen to me. Don't leave me.'_

"Kirsten, listen to me. I want to be there with you through this. I need to be," his hands shook.

"No. Get out." She looked anywhere but him.

"Honey, please just-?"

"I can't fight with you Sandy. _I can't_. I just can't do it. I can't fight for you, and myself, and fight for her too, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," tears fell down her cheeks in hurried streams.

He stood there, his world about to crash down around him all because he was scared wouldn't face it. Now he was terrified.

"I don't want to fight with you Kirsten," his voice shook.

She didn't want him around, nothing hurt worse than that. He may as well been cut in two, the ache and fear that ran through him shook him to the core of his being.

He went to kiss her again and she moved away from him.

"Don't touch me Sandy. Just go, please go," she put a hand up to her mouth to stifle the tears.

He stood there looking helplessly at her, wondering whether he should go or just sit there and stay. But the look on her face said he should, and the look in her normally loving blue eyes said he should. The way her body defied him, screamed, _'You should go.'_ The only thing begging him not to go was her conscious it screamed, '_Stay with me, Stay with me, don't leave me, I can't do this by myself, Stay with me, Stay with me.'_

"GO. Sandy, just go," she pleaded with him. _Don't leave me._

The heartbroken look on his face tore her heart to shreds. He knew he was wrong, he knew it, and he wanted her forgiveness and to be there with her, because he was just hurting too. But what if more bad news came, he couldn't run off pissed to the world because of what was happening. She knew deep in her heart he wouldn't now. He was here to stay. He was always with her, no matter what, he eventually supported what she had to do. Sometimes it just took him a while because of how much he loved her.

"GO SANDY." She broke into a sob. _I love you, I love you, I'm scared, don't leave me. Please don't leave me._

He turned to go, pausing in the doorway to watch her.

She broke down completely her whole body wracking some guilt shuddering sobs. Her hands covered her face as the tears streamed down them freely. "I'm sorry," he heard her whisper, "I love you, I'm so sorry." Her body trembled and shook and all he wanted to do was go make everything better. He wanted everything to be fine he wanted to put it all back together again.

He bent his head as his own cheeks flushed. "I'm sorry too," he whispered knowing she was unable to hear him. "I love you so much."

"_To have and to hold from this day forward to love and to cherish for better or for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health until death do you part, as long as you both shall live."_

"_I do."_

------


	7. Face The Music

_Note: To Bofbanoff Special J at Twop. They also recommend my fic and it makes me smile._

_To Christine, who I can count on to give me the biggest review and which I positively LOVE! I have a feeling you wont let me down this time either!_

_PS: Princess Oats 435 has a story out called **Such Great Heights** - if you havent read it you should, cause it just seriously freakin rocks,but there is a scene that is similar to one in here, and I wanted to make sure that I sweaaaaaaaaaar on my life I did not steal any scenes what-so-ever. They're similar but when dealing with little kids, its kinda hard not to bring up the nightmare scene thing cause they're so damn adorable. Besides she knows Im like her huge advid fan, lol. _

_SO. like I said, **Review Kids!** Vamanos!_

-

"_Do you think our love can do miracles?" _

"_I do."_

"_They didn't agree on much. In fact they rarely agreed on anything. They fought all the time and they challenged each other everyday... But in spite their differences, they had one important thing in common, they were crazy about each other."_

_-The Notebook._

_-_

"_Without suffering there would be no compassion." _

"_Yeah, well tell that to those who suffer." _

_­-A Walk to Remember_

-

_The pitter-pat of bare feet echoed softly down the hall. The door peeked open and a tinge of dimly lit light rushed in. _

"_Mama?"_

_Kirsten was stretched on her left side, Sandy's warm protective arm around her stomach, his head buried into her back, against her shoulder blade._

_Silence._

_She cast her curious blue eyes to the dark hallway before whispering louder, "Mama?"_

_Kirsten stirred slightly and opened her eyes to meet the inquisitive frightened stare of her child. _

_She shifted and leaned up on her elbow, "Hey baby-girl, what's wrong sweetie?" She reached out and tucked the rush of blond hair back behind her ears. _

"_Bad dream," she whimpered closing her eyes against her mothers reassuring touch. Nobody bad was coming in here. _

_Sandy felt his wife shift as the movement had awakened him and then he heard Allie say, "Bad dream."_

_Never hesitating for a second he leaned up and pulled the blanket away from their bodies. A cool rush of air prickled his skin. "C'mon La niña ala Bella," he whispered sleepily making room for his baby-girl and using her middle name. Bella meant beautiful in Latin and Sandy fell in love with it when they were looking for names. She chose Alexandria, he chose Bella, and then on occasion he combined them both in a small nickname and in this case the meaning for little girl in Spanish combined with her middle name. Sandy seemed to call their daughter everything but Alexandria, unless she had done something wrong. _

_He smiled groggily as she climbed over her mother and lay between them, Kirsten lying down and Sandy getting himself situated. _

_Kirsten now laid on her right side, and Sandy his left so they faced each other. Allie faced her father, her back pressed tightly up against her mothers, reveling in her security and warmth that she provided. Kirsten placed a protective arm across her daughter and held her closely against her, silencing the small tremble that wanted to erupt. _

_Sandy covered them both and when he finally settled again he felt her small hand find his, while she wrapped it around his pinky finger. He leaned up and kissed her forehead tenderly and whispered, "It's okay baby-girl, go to sleep. We're here."_

_She pulled his hand tightly to her chest so that she could feel both her parents' joined security. He watched her tired blue eyes flutter before she drifted off to sleep in the shelter of her parents. He smiled as he gazed at his wife tucking her head down against their little girls shoulder. He found himself listening to their steady breathing, making sure everything was okay before he let sleep overtake him._

-

He woke up with a stiff neck from leaning against the wall.

Five days.

It had been five days since she had screamed at him to leave. _"Get out Sandy! JUST GO!"_

It had been five whole days since she had seen him consciously. He would sneak in her room when she was sleeping, he couldn't be away from her. Not now, not ever.

His color was pale, his dull and lifeless eyes could only gaze adorningly at her, his heart hammering every single second as he sat on edge if she was to wake up and start yelling at him to "_Get out, JUST GO,"_ that he could shuffle quietly out the door. But she hadn't, she never woke when he was there.

The other night she had been moaning his name in her sleep, apologizing softly, tossing and turning in her bed. Her forehead was covered in perspiration and she was again feverish. He pulled up a chair beside her bed and took her hand in his, amazed at the size in contrast. Her hand was smooth, delicate, her fingers long and graceful, her hand was always warm and comforting when she placed it in his. He leaned over and kissed her forehead, "Relax honey, I'm here," and she quieted under his touch. But he was gone when she woke up, and she thought she dreamed it.

So instead he sat here in the early hours of the morning, on the cold floor watching her. He watched as she moaned in her sleep, as wince of pain fluttered across her face. He watched as her hand ran over her face and wiped the sweat away and her arm covered her eyes from the painful light. He looked at his watch, she would be waking soon, and he didn't want to distress her further than she already had been.

She was coming home today, and he would be there, whether she liked it or not.

-

Jimmy Cooper sat down at the beach, simply starring at the dark churn of the water. It was amazing the way that water had an effect on people. The depths churned blue and green, the waves crashing over themselves with fuzzy foam, as it reached up on the beach for peoples ankles and then just as quickly washed away stealing sand, seashells, anything in its grasp. It was easy to forget how unforgiving the ocean was, like life, if it wasn't respected it would show you how powerful it could really be.

The ocean held power over life and death. It could be forgiving and release you letting you live, or it could take you quietly screaming down to your death.

Sandy's words haunted him. _"You had a past Jimmy. HAD, It's past tense. She now has cancer, and she's pregnant with OUR second child. That's her future, Jimmy." _

It waspast tense. Had. You HAD a past. The word was a past participle of have. If he was talking to Kirsten he could have simply said, "We have a past." But instead it was to Sandy and therefore the man said the word, HAD.

"_That's her future Jimmy. Her future. Jimmy, that's her future. I'm in love with him, Jimmy, not you him, that's her future Jimmy. With him."_

It's kind of like saying it and then dismissing the past without a second thought. Sure, they had a past and now you have a friendship.

"Friendship can turn into love. But love, to friendship – never." That was a good true quote, he thought to himself.

It was true, being friends with Kirsten was better than being nothing at all, but he wanted her, he still did, he always would.

To her their affair would have simply been the past – "It's been had," as Sandy would counter. But to him, it lived on still in his heart and memory and now faced with this new set of trials.

'_God, life sucks sometimes,' _he mused while taking a swig of beer._ 'Just plain sucks.' _

That had been his motto when things ended with Kirsten.

The times she had said, "I love you Jimmy," with that smile that could dazzle the world. He thought those times would last forever. He smirked; he had been so stupid back then.

Kirsten

She didn't deserve the pain she was in right now. No one with cancer deserved the pain they were in.

Jimmy tipped his bottle to the ocean and drank to that.

-

Ryan sat at the kitchen in the early hours with a cup of steaming coffee in one hand. He leaned on the counter where Sandy normally mused with Kirsten and Seth talked. Lately no one talked. Any minute now Sandy would walk through the doors of the house coming home from the hospital. He would look like hell, his hair falling down across his face, a new mornings stubble gracing his cheeks.

Ryan wasn't born yesterday.

He knew about the fight, it was evident upon Sandy's pale face. It was even more evident when he babbled about it in his drunken state, and then looked at Ryan with sorrowful eyes, "I shouldn't be doing this to you, you've had enough of this shit, and I'm sorry Ryan. I'm sorry I couldn't have been there, before you came to us, I'm sorry you had to go through everything, and now this."

The house had been full of apologies lately but even Ryan didn't know how to respond to that. "It's okay Sandy."

He pulled a blanket up over the older mans chest so at least he wouldn't freeze to death because he was shivering, now whether it was from the alcohol in his system with the increased blood flow to the surface of his bodythat lowered his body temperature or whether he was just shivering with memories.

Ryan suspected both.

Sandy hadn't slept in his own room since Kirsten was taken to the hospital that had been close to two weeks ago.

Sandy had taken a liking to alcohol in the past few days, not being a full-fledged drunk, but enough to numb the pain, enough to try to make him forget the horrible images in his head, the awful words and thoughts that scorched his brain.

The door opened and Sandy stumbled though it looking like he had been through a war and back.

Ryan held out a cup of coffee that he had poured for him.

"Thanks."

"No problem."

Silence.

"So she's coming home today?" He asked quietly.

Sandy nodded, the rumpled hair on his head falling down with the movements.

"Have you two made up?" There had been an obviously painful answer to that.

He shook his head, 'No.'

Ryan pursed his lips and nodded. "I see."

Sandy stared out the window and Ryan looked at the floor. It wasn't an awkward silence it was just disheartening. No one knew what to expect.

-

_The day was depressing; the outside world was a foggy gray. Once Sandy convinced the boys to go into the parlor there was no turning back. So they stood there. In the beautiful clad funeral home, they stood there. _

_Gorgeous piles of flowers lay sprawled upon the places; some people had taken to buying quilts with Jesus, and Virgin Mary on them, along with other holy images. _

_Lilies, roses, daffodils, gorgeous rushes of reds, yellows, whites, pinks, and purples greeted their eyes. The flowers were almost to much. _

_They were from various places, Julie, Caleb, the Newport Group, Jimmy, Marissa, Summer, and pretty much everyone else who knew her. Hell the whole town had shown up when they read the paper that flashed a headline something like this, 'Daughter of Caleb Nichol, Kirsten Cohen, passed away. _

_The casket was closed and great white Lilly's were sprawled lazily over the casket, sculpting it with pink and red roses._

_There were pictures of her throughout the room, a huge gorgeous portrait of her decorated by the casket, and surprisingly someone had blown up the chrismukkah card and set it near the casket. Ryan, suspected that was Julie Cooper-Nichol's doing. _

_So they stood and waited for everyone to show up. Sandy was first, then Seth, then Ryan and finally Caleb taking up the rear. _

_Sandy cast a sorrowful glance around the room. He felt sick, the collar was to tight and if Kirsten were here she would smile at him and loosen his tie enough so that he still looked appropriate. But she wasn't here. She would never be here again._

_He shifted on his feet uncomfortably his palms were sweating and again he fussed at his tie. Ryan looked at the floor and refused to meet anyone's eyes. Seth, was just Seth in his bummed out stage, his arms to gangly for the rest of his body, any self confidence he once had was tossed out the door today. _

_She would never fuss over his tie again, Sandy realized, startled. The simplest things mean so much and he could never have that again. _

_The funeral directors opened the doors._

"_Here we go," Seth mumbled. _

_Ryan looked up sharply and swallowed, he wasn't ready for this. _

_First came the Newpsie's, all dressed in black, and they expressed their condolences, Sandy was sure they were fake, but it wasn't his main concern. _

_Then Jimmy wondered through, taking in the room with sweeping eyes. He looked miserable as if he spent the whole night awake. _

_Sandy met his eyes and instead of the handshake he was expecting Jimmy pulled him into a hug. When he pulled back Jimmy had tears in his eyes and that made Sandy's eyes water. _

"_I loved her Sandy, I always did. She was a wonderful woman." _

_Sandy gave him a grim smile, and politely said, "Thank you." He watched as Jimmy moved down the line to Seth, Ryan and Caleb. _

_Julie then came next and Sandy was surprised that she had tears. Ice-queen Cooper he once nicknamed her, now cried on his shoulder. _

"_I'm sorry Sandy. I know you and I haven't seen eye to eye in the past, but Kirsten was probably my only friend in this stupid town. My only true friend," she smirked softly shaking her head. _

_It's funny how death changes things, changes the way people think, and see things, the way they act. _

"_Thanks Julie." He was on autopilot. Thanks. It was all he could muster and if everyone kept coming up to him with tears he wasn't going to make it through this. _

"_I'd like to stop over and keep seeing the baby, if that's okay with you?" She was genuine when it came to the baby. She had actually been over the house a lot lately. _

"_Sure Julie that would be great," he said somberly. His little Alexandria Bella. Or when he said it, it rolled over his tongue and came out Alexandria ala-Bella. The first time her name rolled off his lips Kirsten smiled and so did his daughter. So he kept it. _

_He smiled at the thought of his little girl. _

_Julie was never one to just stop over unless there was a reason, until the baby. Well, she had been stopping over a lot when Kirsten was sick too. __Maybe she just wanted to hold on to what little she had left of Kirsten. What little they all had left of her. _

_Marissa followed suit with her mom and said the tearful goodbyes to the group before going to sit down waiting for the service to start. _

_After that came, Jeff Smith, Macy Little, John Block, and Erin Palmer, people who worked at the Newport Group. _

_And then Summer. _

_That's when Sandy lost it. Seeing Summer and when she reached up to wrap her arms around his neck he couldn't contain his tears any longer. Summer was there with them the whole time, though it all the pain and the tears. She was there when they broke down, and eventually it just came to be that Summer was a part of their family. Kirsten made sure of that. They just accepted that at dinner she would be there, or at movie night, she would be there. Her smart-ass comments kept the family on their toes and she was what they needed. _

_-_

_Even when the end had come and Sandy was on the opposite side of her holding on to her hand, Kirsten reached out for Summer and gazed upon her. _

"_Hey honey."_

_Summer's bottom lip trembled. _

"_Hey Kirsten," she whispered back unable to contain the tears that dripped down. _

"_Awe baby, don't cry. You'll be okay, you'll see sweetie."_

"_How?" She sighed through her tears, how would they all be okay? _

_Kirsten said nothing but she managed to lean up enough to kiss Summer on the forehead. "I love you sweetheart, I always have," she swallowed. "And I'm glad that I got to know what it was like to have a daughter."_

_Sandy looked away at that point, glancing to Seth who wouldn't meet his gaze, and to Ryan who had taken a great interest in his hands. _

_The words tore at her heart as Summer sniffled and gave a weak smile, her words caught in her throat. Her brown eyes already filled with tears and she stared into Kirsten's beautiful fearless gaze._

"_Take my little girl shopping okay?"_

_She nodded through her tears. "I will."_

_Her hand tightly clenched on to Kirsten's and she laid back on the pillow again. "I love you baby."_

_Summer managed to find her voice as she whispered, "I love you too."_

_Summer was going to go when Sandy's voice boomed, "Stay Summer, your family."_

_And so she did. _

_-_

_Now she held on to him because he was the only person who could make it better. He was the one person who knew how badly it hurt. Her body shook against his and he tightening his grip upon her until he felt her calm down. _

_He did what Kirsten would have. "I love you Sum, like you were my own. Come stand with us, because you're family."_

_She smiled grimly, and wiped the tears away as much as she could before taking her place between Sandy and Seth. _

_The line continued. _

-

Kirsten groaned in her sleep. Waking up she saw two Seth's leaning over her with a cool cloth. At first she thought it was Sandy.

She blinked, once, twice. The two Seth's cleared into one.

"Thanks sweetie."

Seth smiled, "Excited to come home today mom?"

She smiled weakly, "It will be nice to come home Seth."

He settled in the chair, "Have you talked to dad?"

She flushed, "No," her voice was stony, but far away as if she wished she would have talked to him.

He just looked at her blankly almost at a loss for words. "So what did the doctor say?" He asked with a raise of his brows changing the uncomfortable subject.

"That I'm good to go, that he respects my decision. Next week there's going to be some tests, and such to see how far things' are along. That's when I'm going to make more informed decision, and see about chemo, later on"

He nodded. What do you say when your mother is almost giving you the time limit on how long she is going to live?

"I'm going to take a few more days off and then I'm going back to work."

Seth had a shocked look on his face. "That's good right?"

She smiled, "No sense in sitting around Seth. I'm not dead yet."

He cracked a smile with her but the comment didn't go unnoticed in his head, it auto-replayed _I'm not dead yet. Yet. _

_Yet._

-

She gingerly climbed in Rover the heat from the leather seats warmed her icy body. She shivered amongst the heat, as the icy chill slowly left.

She quickly wiped away the perspiration from her forehead from the effort of walking to the truck. She was going to have to learn to deal with the weakness if she expected to go back to work and have a semi normal routine.

Seth opened the back hatch of the vehicle, putting in her things that had accumulated over the past week.

The doctor had given her nausea medication, which was good, painkillers that could be taken with the pregnancy, which was also good because as of right now, the gnomes were slowly coming back with their pitchforks raised.

She leaned her head against the window of the Rover, sighing. Time to face the music, time to face her husband whom she kicked out of her room because she was too scared to admit that she needed him, when he had come with an apology and all he wanted to do was support her.

So she pushed him away. And from what she heard from the boys' visits it wasn't sitting well. But neither one spilled their guts that he sneaked into her room at night. Neither one would deny him that privilege.

The world began to move as Seth put the SUV into drive. She closed her eyes if the world went by to fast she might get ill.

She didn't want Seth to see her like that.

-

Sandy didn't know what to do, whether to stay or go, or come in late.He abided on staying and simply sat on the couch.

He waited.

Then he stood. He looked around the room. Then he sat down again. After that he walked to the front door and waited.

He opened it when they pulled up but he never said a word. He cast her a distressed glance but he kept his mouth shut. Her tired blue eyes met his quickly and she saw how badly she hurt him. But he saw in her eyes exactly how badly she was hurting too. Too stubborn for either one to say anything, they passed by each other in stony silence.

So he said nothing, just shut the door and followed Seth and his wife into the house. He wordlessly took the bag from Seth's hands and began to walk up the steps.

As Seth would say, _"Holy Awkward."_

-

She walked up the steps as Seth watched expecting a full-fledged argument but there was none. It was silent and Seth didn't know if that was a good thing or not.

She walked into the room and gently eased herself on the bed as he came out of the closet. He was slightly shocked to see her and it showed upon his face and his rigid stiff body.

He froze like a deer stuck in headlights with the horn blowing.

He waited for her to yell at him to 'Get out, or to move, or what are you doing?'

But there was only quiet.

He edged slowly out of the room and kept his head down like a beaten puppy. He sidestepped the bed and walked out the door, not saying one word.

She only sighed, and put a weak arm over her tired eyes. She was too tired to argue.

Sleep would eventually get to her.

-

She awoke with severe back pain and an achy sweat over her body. Her stomach churned and lurched and she swore silently to herself as she realized that she forgot to take some of the nausea medication the doctor prescribed and she was now going to pay for it dearly. Debating on whether she should haul her aching body out of bed now and sit by the toilet, or do what had become her new routine which she nicknamed "Rushing."

"Rushing" entailed waiting until the last possible moment and literally rushing to the bathroom and making barely on time.

"Rushing" was her least favorite thing to do because it entailed uncertainty, like what if she didn't make it to the bathroom, or the pain that roared up her back and legs make her collapse before she reached the toilet, the small scenarios like that popped into her head. The thought of having an accident like a school child or worse, actually having an accident that involved her losing the baby frightened her to death.

So she nominated for the "Non-Rushing" technique and sat up in bed, grimacing at the pain that roared up her spine. She closed her eyes to make an attempt on stopping the room from spinning so much. Slowly she dragged a blanket from the bedroom and brought it with her, sitting down and leaning up against the tub.

She wished Sandy were here with her, at least she wouldn't be alone.

She wrapped her arms around her middle, trembling with the effort that it took to walk from the bedroom to the bathroom. Her face held a feverish glow; the paleness of her cheeks accented the dark circles under her brightly lit, glazed eyes. The normally bright blue eyes that held laughter and love were now dark and glassy with pain.

Leaning back against the tub she closed her eyes and either willed the inevitable to come up or for it to go away.

'_God, this hurts so bad_,' she thought as the pain seared up her back like needles stabbing against her skin. Her bones simply ached; the shin splints in her legs were on fire. Nothing was worse than running a constant fever, because no matter what she did, every joint hurt, every bone constantly hurt, and nothing could stop it. Her muscles tensed and she willed them to relax.

'_Shoot me, whether it be with a gun or with morphine, someone. Please. Take me away from this misery.'_

She moaned and wiped her forehead with her hand, slightly surprised at how wet it was. Her heart was pounding with the anticipation that it knew was coming. There was nothing worse than waiting to throw up, the apprehension, your heartbeat drowning in your ears, the constant shaking of your hands and body.

_Pound, pound, pound, pound, pound, pound._

The sound of her heartbeat echoed slightly in her ears and she groaned in discomfort again.

'_Oh little one, I just want you to know, the thoughts I'm having right now are only because I'm hurting, I will gladly go through all this again just to meet you. Just bear with me. Please bear with me.'_

She didn't know if the baby could hear her, but she was positive it could feel her distress and she thought that talking to herself could eventually calm her down. If Sandy were here, he could calm her down. But he wasn't, because she may as well sliced him with a knife again. Her stomach groaned against her will.

_Pound, pound, pound, pound, pound, thud, thud, thud, pound._

Again she leaned her head back against the tub, the gagging feeling in her throat much closer now and she leaned up, pushing up the lid of the toilet seat, and gathering her body as it prepared itself to get rid of dinner, lunch and whatever else it had eaten throughout the day.

Not only was she raging with a fever,the severe pain in her back, in her stomach, her legs hurt, even her shoulders ached. Nothing was going right here.

Heave.

'_Oh God, please take me now. Please.' _

Relax, breathe.

Relax the muscles, unclench the teeth, loosen up the grip on the toilet, and ease back.

Flush the toilet.

The running water through the pipes eased into her ears, the fresh smell of city water, chlorinated water filled the air. The water smelled wonderful and made her more nauseous at the same time.

She once more leaned back against the tub, shivering and she sighed closing her eyes.

'_I'm so tired. I just want this to end. So tired.'_

Her stomach lurched yet again and she groaned out loud.

She leaned foreword once more and held on as her body trembled and shook, with pain and fear and exhaustion as her stomach said goodbye to whatever was left in it.

Holding herself up was beginning to become a struggle, she trembled from the force of vomiting, and from fatigue. Her own heartbeat pounded in her ears.

With her body preoccupied she didn't hear him but she felt his strong arms slip around her waist and support her body. She felt the hair pushed skillfully out of the way and the gentle words rumble from his voice.

"I'm here."

'_Good, because I can't do this alone.'_

Her body shook as her stomachemptied the food that had rested there minutes before. But this time when she leaned back, it wasn't against the cold porcelain; it was against his broad chest, his familiarity. He smelled wonderful. With her resting against him he pulled the blanket up over his own shoulders before his hands wrapped around her waist, covering her and keeping her warm. He leaned up and flushed the toilet again, as the fresh smell of city water floated through the air.

She leaned fully against him, her hands grasping either side of his jeans as suddenly a racket of pain seared all the way through her body. Her eyes welled with tears and her body trembled uncontrollably. She relaxed the grip on his jeans slightly as the pain dulled. He wiped the sweat off her brow and she closed her eyes for a brief moment, unclenching her jaw.

'_Put me out of my misery. Please Sandy, do something.'_

There was nothing he could do other than ride this through with her.

He pulled the blanket down around her body as his arms pulled her lovingly against him. Her back was against his chest and they breathed together, as one.

A tear slipped down her cheek and he reached his hand up moving her blond strands away from her face. He said nothing as he reached up wiping it away and kissing her temple delicately.

If she could see his face, she would recognize the signs that he was hurting too. He was hurting for her because he couldn't ease her pain. He hated seeing her like this, he wanted to take her pain and make it his, but there was no way for him to do that.

Again the pain seared against her back and she clenched his jeans tightly while he placed a hand over her pounding heart, pulling her back against his chest. She gasped softly out loud against him, as the pain this time was too much to take.

"It hurts Sandy," she moaned.

'_I know….'_

"Deep breaths baby, breathe through it. I'm here." The truth was, Sandy had no idea what kind of pain she was in, but he could see how it registered on her face, the tension in her muscles, and the great sweat that had broken out upon her body.

Her breath hitched in her chest and she shakily let it out. He bent his head and kissed her shoulder tenderly.

"I'm sorry honey. For everything, I would take your pain and make it mine in a heartbeat."

She nodded and swallowed, loosening her grip on his jeans again, letting her slender hand find his and entangling hers with it. She knew he would, if he was able to.

"I'm sorry-" she wanted to apologize but pain gripped her again and she gasped.

"Shh, it's okay," his deep voice was soothing in her ear. "It's okay."

"I love you Sandy. God, I love you," she whimpered.

He smiled against her hair, "I know. It's okay. I love you too."

She trembled again, tears falling down her face, her teeth chattering with the force of the shiver.

"You all right?" He nodded towards the toilet.

He felt her nod against his chest, and he moved to sit up.

Gathering her in his arms he stood up. Her body trembled again and she whimpered against him as a sharp pain roared down her back.

"Sorry babe," he whispered.

She was pale, shaking and feverish, her eyes were fearful as they looked into his. She had never hurt so bad before in her life. It was so frightening.

He laid her down gently on the bed, her hand never letting go of his as he pulled the blankets up around them.

"Just think, when this is all over and we have that beautiful baby, honey. Just think then," his deep voice spoke as he moved his hand down against her stomach. She didn't have the heart to mention that she might not be there. But instead let the fantasy grip her, taking her mind off the pain.

Her teeth chattered against her will and she gripped his other hand as another spasm took hold. Her knuckles were almost white.

"She'll be wonderful," she whispered closing her eyes, letting the reassurance of the thought and of her husband take hold of her. She was tucked against him, the pain she thought diminished slightly as his warm body melted against hers. She could feel his heartbeat against her back and her fatigued body seemed to simply collapse. She closed her eyes, feeling him breath and her body evening its breaths to match his. He squeezed her hand.

He smiled as he kissed her temple softly. "Yes she will."

She trembled against him again, although not as violently as before. Her breaths were turning into small sobs and he could only comfort her by running his hands over her body and whispering,

"It's okay honey. It's okay. I love you. It's okay…."

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	8. Four Am Seaside

_I know I put that Matrix quote in another chapter, but I want to make sure that you guys kinda get that they're not having dreams just to have them.They sorta signify a choice that one has made. Kirsten has the belief that she'll sacrifice her life for her child's and that's the only way it will go. Sandy, has the hope, the faith, that both will make it through. That's why he sees her in his. But in her own, she doesn't exist. Get it? Kinda? Maybe? I dunno. That's the way I'm going about it. I tried to make this one not so, depressing, as seeing the holidays are around the corner. Oh how awesome was Kirsten tossing that vase at her dad's head. Then when she came out for Ryan, and those words of, "Don't tell Sandy I came out for you, okay?" and her voice broke. That was so awesome. Anyway, Revvvvvvvvvvvviews pllllllllllease. You'll make my day!!! You guys are awesome!!!!_

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"_We can never see past the choices we don't understand."_

_--The Oracle, The Matrix Reloaded._

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_Two people only hurt each other if they doubt the love they have for one another._

_-Dogville._

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"_Some days your mother and I loved each other. Other days we had to work at it. You never see the hard days in a photo album... but those are the ones that get you from one happy snapshot to the next."_

_-Just Married._

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Seth hunkered down in his bed, almost sadly ashamed at what he saw. His parents door was open and he had went to see how his mother was doing and froze in the doorway at the sight of her barely supporting herself hunched over the toilet heaving to the point where even he cringed.

He was scared.

He watched as she got sick again and then his father brushed passed him almost knocking him over in his rush to get to her. When he watched as he moved behind her to support her and the way she clung to him, the contorted look on her face as pain hasty rushed through her body like a locomotive, he almost lost it. It almost made him ill so he turned away, ashen faced and walked to his room like a zombie.

Even though they had been fighting, and she had kicked him out of her room, his father never let her down. He could only hope that if he ever got married he could have his parents love. His father never let any of them down.

Not knowing what to do he slipped into his bed, hunkering down like he used to when he was five and couldn't find the voice to yell for his Dad to come chase the demons away. Tears silently steamed down his face as he cried. He bawled like a baby, he didn't care, because the one person who meant the most to him in the world was dying and there was nothing he could do other than stand by and watch.

He felt helpless and nothing hurt more than to feel that way.

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It was close to two-thirty when her fever finally broke and the constant shivering began because of her soaked clothes. He was still awake, watching, waiting for something, occasionally she would moan in her sleep and his hand would gently cascade down her back, or run through her hair, anything to calm her.

It was two forty-five when he woke her up because her clothes were covered in sweat from the fever and she was beginning to shiver.

She woke up togentle kisses upon her shoulders and soft whisper's of "Hey baby, wake up."

She was confused and looked at him drowsily. "What, Sandy?" She murmured sleepily wanting to just roll over and fall back into the blissful state.

He simply tugged at her shirt and she groaned. Soaking wet yet again.

"This is so gross. So icky, God, I feel like I live in that Stephen King book."

He smiled. And for the first time in a long time her returning smile wasn't one that was in pain.

"What do you want?" He motioned to the closet.

_'Something comfy, that doesn't stick to me. I want your clothes.'_

"A T-shirt of yours."

He poked his head back out of the closet. "Mine?"

She nodded is the dimly lit bedroom, a blond tendril falling into her face.

"Hmm," he mumbled as he shrugged his shoulders and went back to searching and pulled one of the hangers. It was a newer T-shirt but it worked, she looked so damn sexy in his clothes.

He held it up and she shook her head. "No, no, the faded blue one, that you always wear after surfing."

He gave her a questionable look, "But that's my favorite," he whined.

"But it's so soft and it always smells like you no matter how many times Rosa washes it," she pouted back and he gave in.

"Fine," he joked with a bashful smile as he brought it to her.

She smiled, another genuine pain free smile. His heart fluttered lightly.

She stood up slowly and stretched. Oh it felt so good, the stiff muscles were yelling, _'Thank the Lord we can breathe again.'_

Her stomach muscles hurt the worst however but when she leaned back they too, enjoyed the stretch and Sandy enjoyed the view.

He raised an eyebrow to what she was doing out of bed.

"I want a bath, a hot one. I'm gross."

_Icky. Blah. Disgusting. Sweaty. There was nothing worse than being sweaty. As Summer would say, "Ew!"_

He gave her a confused look before clucking his tongue and turning into their bathroom to draw it for her, anything for her.

Anything to ease her pain and make things go smoothly.

Steam rose and fell from the tub and there were bubbles as well. She smiles at the site of bubbles, the simplicity of bubbles and the colors that the oils held in the rounded shape. If you looked close enough the oils you could see the colors of pink and purple, blue, green, and even maybe yellow, if you were lucky. She hadn't taken a bubble bath in what seemed like forever. He leaned on the frame of the doorway, his cheek resting on his hand and he watched her.

He watched as she pinned her blond hair up on her head, so not to get it wet.

He gazed at her as she unzipped her jeans and shrugged them off over her slender hips, the muscles in her arms working as the jeans were now putting up a fight since they were damp.

'_Mmm okay, turn away now, tuuuuurn away.' _

He grinned to himself as he walked away from his stripping wife. She was still gorgeous as ever, even if she was a little on the thin side and throwing up all the time.

He went downstairs into the kitchen glancing at the clock as it read 3:24 am. He sighed softly to himself, grabbing a glass of water and her pain and nausea medication. He really, _really_ did not want a repeat of what happened earlier.

It scared the shit out of him.

No, it had done worse than that. It terrified him. The kind of scared that you don't think straight, where you hold your breath and don't even realize it until you let it out.

He was that scared.

He sighed again. It was pushing close to almost a whole day without sleep and it was starting to wear him down. His body was starting to ache from sitting in odd positions throughout the night and from being physically drained.

Walking up the steps through the foyer and into the bedroom he was greeted by the site of two blue eyes hinting over a cloud of white fluffy bubbles, eyes that held exhaustion and love, but no pain.

He wordlessly handed her the two pills and the glass of water and she smiled her thanks to him.

She tossed her head back, swallowed and handed him back the glass which he placed upon the sink and took a seat on the edge of the toilet seat and dangled his hand into the warm water, watching as bubbles and water swirled about.

He smiled lazily at her and found her hand under the water and squeezed it. "I'm gonna go lay down honey."

She nodded and gave him one of her dazzling smiles.

He closed the door gently behind him and she waited until she could hear the bed shift slightly under his weight and a sigh coming from the room as his exhausted body finally rested on the comfortable mattress. He was so tired, and so worn out. She treated him sohorribly and it still shown in his eyes that she had hurt him. Yet, when she needed him the most, he never let her down.

She bit her bottom lip as it started to tremble and tears crept into her eyes. She hastily wiped them away.

'_Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.'_

Her tears continued to fall down her cheeks and she didn't know if it was because she wasn't in pain, and her pleas had been answered or if it was just her thoughts. Maybe it was the guilt and fear if she left the three other people who lived here in the house, the fear of dying. Maybe it was the fact that she told Sandy to leave to get away from her and when she needed him most, he came back. She could be so ignorant to him and yet he was always there. It was the unconditional love that you can only read about, or watch in movies. Earlier when her body was in such severe pain that fear had crept up into the back of her mind as she told him she loved him.

She did. She loved him so much, and having that pain, made her realize again how lucky she was.

Then there had been the pain that roared up her spine and back that positively frightened her. Nothing had ever hurt so bad, if she hadn't been on the floor at the time, it would have brought her down to her knees in a heartbeat.

'_Give us this day our daily bread, Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. Lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil. Amen.'_

Her muscles were good and loose now, her body relaxed finally. The tension was out of her back and shoulders and she stretched again enjoying the feeling of not being cramped in a ball. Her back ached but it was a dull minor throb from being in such pain earlier.

The water was getting cold.

Rising from the tub the water ran off her exquisite body and she found the air was chilled against her dripping wet skin. Wrapping a towel around her she smiled as Sandy had placed his blue shirt along with a pair of his pajama pants on the toilet seat within ease reach.

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He changed his clothes into boxers and an old New York t-shirt. He tried staying up to wait for her to come out of the bathroom and he tried to pretend he didn't hear her muffled sobs.

His heart broke for her.

He contemplated going in there, but then he realized she needed some 'Me' time. So he eased onto the bed, laying on his back, and yawned. His eyelids drooped and he fell asleep within moments.

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_He was about to walk out the door to go surfing when his daughter bounded down the hallway and stopped him._

"_Daddy, where you going?" Those big blue eyes stared up at him._

"…_Surfing…?" He said as he ruffled her hair. _

"_I want to go."_

"_Allie…." She had wanted to go for a while and asked him almost every morning. Kirsten was against it._

_He sighed, "How about we go swimming in the ocean?" _

_Her face lit up, "Okay," she said excitedly and ran up to her room to change. _

_He sighed he had really wanted to go surfing today. But than again he would get the chance to spend with his little girl and that was worth missing a day of surfing. It was summer vacation and she was bored without school and something to do. _

_She clambered down the stairs moments later ready to go._

_He pointed to up the stairs, "Go tell your mother where we're going."_

_She gave him a look and pouted, her mother hated when she went in the ocean._

_Both of her parents had made sure she understood that she was not allowed in the water unless someone else was in there already. Physically in there. In case of an undertow or something her father knew it was to powerful for his daughter. _

_Peeking in she approached her mom who was still sleeping. "Mama?"_

_Kirsten opened her eyes._

"_Hey Allie-girl," she whispered sleepily. "What's wrong?" She asked reaching out for her daughter. _

"_Nothing…Daddy's going to take me swimming, in the ocean!" _

_Kirsten could see the excitement radiate off her face as she pulled Allie against her tightly for a hug, "He is, is he?" _

_She nodded and Kirsten placed a gentle kiss on the top of her head. She scrambled off the bed and tossed her mother a look._

"_All right Allie, I'll be down in a minute, My Little Miss Impatient," she grinned at her beautiful daughter. She definitely had Sandy's enthusiasm, and love for water. _

_Bounding back down the stairs to the kitchen and her father she looked up at him. _

"_Well," he winced, his voice dipping low._

"_She said she's coming down," she huffed._

_He nodded his head figuring he was in for a lecture._

_But Kirsten pleasantly surprised both of them when she donned on her black swimsuit and grabbed some towels. _

"_I didn't know you meant actually coming ala-Bella," he said._

_She shrugged her shoulders. She didn't know either. _

"_You guys ready?" Kirsten asked as she had beach towels in her hand._

_Alexandria nodded enthusiastically. "We've been ready!"_

_Sandy broke into a grin and shook his head. He wished he had half of her energy._

_Going down to the private beach she rushed ahead of them and then waited as they got settled, placing the towels about and chatting mildly but curiosity got the best of her and she was about to step in the water when her fathers deep booming voice stopped her cold._

"_ALEXANDRIA Bella Cohen."_

_Uh-oh, her full name, and there was no Ala before Bella like he normally says, that meant she was in trouble. She peeked over her shoulder and her father pointed to his feet. She bowed her head and walked slowly back to him._

"_What are the rules, young lady?"_

"_Not to go near the ocean unless someone is already in it," she mumbled looking like Seth did when he was in trouble, mouth slightly agape, her blue eyes were remorseful. "Sorry Daddy."_

"_It's okay, but honey, this isn't the pool, okay? You could get hurt."_

_She nodded and he tossed his shirt near where his wife settled. She looked at him like, 'Gee thanks.'_

_They started walking toward the bluish green water and Sandy went in first, diving headfirst to counter the wave and popping up beyond it and looked at her. Suddenly his headstrong daughter was a little frightened._

_He swam back and held out his hands which she grabbed hold of tightly as he pulled her against him in enough time to hold her to his chest and turn his back on the wave that crashed around them. _

_She giggled and continued to hold on firmly as her father ventured out to where he had enough footing but it was deep enough for her to swim and the waves weren't crashing around them because it wasn't shallow enough. _

"_Well go on, you begged me to bring you out here and now you won't let go," he grinned loosing his grip on her and smiling like a maniac when she still clung on to him as another bigger wave was coming. He moved back in the water a few feet so he would have more leverage against the ocean and dipped low enough into the water to where it looked like the wave would crash over them. _

_She laughed as he threatened to dip her low enough as if the wave would sweep her away and then pulled her against him at the last second. _

"_Daddy no!" she shrieked with laughter as he held her against him and dipped his body lower, she thought he was actually going to let that big wave sweep her away. _

_He beamed as she clung tightly to him, her child-like innocent belief that nothing could happen to her while she was with her father. He pressed a kiss into her temple._

_Kirsten grinned broadly as she watched Sandy and Allie. The way he dipped her down low as the water rushed towards them, the way she giggled with her father and clung so tightly to him. Then there was Sandy, whose strong arms were safely around her and she didn't think he could smile any larger. _

_But mostly Kirsten smiled at the fact that he never let her fall. Never once did Sandy's grip slip on her, no matter how hard the wave hit, and that's why Allie felt so safe with her father, because he would never let her down. _

_A little_ _while later they came out of the ocean, Allie was shivering it wasn't quiet ten in the morning so the sun had yet to warm the air. _

_Kirsten held out a huge beach towel and wrapped the towel and her arms around her, pulling her down, smiling as her daughter giggled and struggled lightly before settling down in her lap and resting her head on her mother's shoulder. _

_Sandy smiled, if he had a camera it would have been the perfect picture. _

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When she came out of the steam filled bathroom she smiled lovingly at her husband. He was sound asleep on his back with his hair askew.

She sighed softly as her weary body crawled into bed. She moved her body until she was comfortable. She heard him sigh and felt him shift with her, an arm sliding around her waist.

Seventeen years, some things never changed.

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Seth walked along the beach with the waves crashing and running up to meet his feet. He glanced up and the moon was full, shedding its soft light upon the naked beach.

It was eerily quiet.

He liked it though, this way he could think.

Looking up at the ramp he stood at the familiar lighthouse that had come to be his friend when solitude was needed. Of course someone always managed to interrupt but that was okay with Seth too, because by then his head was ready to explode with thoughts and he needed to ramble to someone before it drove him mad.

His mother was dying, and she refused to listen to anyone that she should abort the baby.

'_Fine, that's fine. That's her decision, we should respect that, and I do. I do respect her decision. But I don't want her to die.'_

Seth sat bummed out in the sand, the wind crashing around him carrying little bits of sand with it. He watched a seashell almost get covered up by it.

Ryan plopped down in the sand beside him.

"What's up man, why are you out here at like four am?" He said rubbing his arms to ward off the chill.

"Why are _you_ out here at like four am?" Seth looked at him bewildered.

"I saw you leave," he replied simply.

"Oh."

Ryan shrugged his shoulders as he cast a glance out to the ocean. "So?"

"Nothing. It's nothing."

"What's the matter, Captain Oats not giving you enough guidance, you had to come out here?" He joked. Seth was in an odd mood this early morning. In fact, lately, Seth was always in an odd mood.

"I watch my mom grab onto my father's jeans to the point where her knuckles were turning white. I watched as she whimpered and writhed in the worst pain I've ever seen. And I stood there, frozen and there was nothing I could do. I was scared, for her, for the baby, for my dad that rushed on by. It… I don't know. It was just scary. There was nothing I could do..."

Ryan sat and contemplated what Seth was saying. He had seen her in pain too. But not white knuckled pain Seth was describing.

"She'll be fine Seth--" Optimism was Ryan's only chance, he had to try and help convince Seth she would be okay.

"Well what if she isn't? Huh, Ryan? What are we going to do without her? What are we going to do if she dies? That will destroy us, our family, it will _destroy_ my father. I don't want that to happen. I don't want her to die. I don't want to see my dad fall apart," he angrily wiped away a stray tear. "I don't want to see us fall apart."

"Me either," Ryan whispered softly, knowing Seth was right.

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She lay awake and watched Sandy sleep. Long ago she crept back into bed against him and just listened to him breath. She felt him tremble and looked at his features that now cringed and the look of anguish was on his face.

"Shh, Sandy," she whispered soothingly reaching up and brushing her hand against his cheek, running it through his unruly hair.

Sandy normally slept through the night and he very rarely ever had nightmares.

But then again, she supposed they were all having nightmares.

She reached for his hand and brought it his chest where she placed her own inside of his, entwining their fingers together and she head him sigh softly and move his body so he was closer to hers.

She smiled at the fact that she could still give him comfort. She didn't know how long that was going to last, for any of them.

She closed her eyes and began to drift to sleep. She needed her rest.

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By the time Ryan had dragged Seth from the beach the sun was coming up. They had just sat there in silence for hours.

Walking through the front they were greeted by Kirsten who poked her head around the corner and relief rushed across her features.

"Thank God," she said, using that same voice when she had hauled Seth from the pool house. 'The motherly where-have-you-been-I've-been-worried-sick, you're in big trouble voice.'

She put both arms around them and feeling their chill she pulled back.

"Are you guys okay? Let me, here, come sit, are you okay?"

Seth stared at her. "Mom?"

She was still fussing over him when he said it a little louder. "Mom? Mom stop." He looked down at her, tears falling in his eyes. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine Seth, what?" She was confused.

His eyes cast to Ryan who returned his look that said, 'I'm not getting involved.'

"Are you okay?" He repeated.

She smiled weakly, "I'm fine…? Why?"

"I saw you last night, and I wanted to know how you're feeling now?"

She looked away guiltily; she had been trying to shield her son of the worst, to protect him because that's what mothers do.

She shook her head. "Okay. I'm okay Seth. Just a little sore," she looked at him meekly.

He nodded and took a step fore ward, pulling her into a hug. "I love you Mom."

She held back a choked sob, "I love you too, Seth," she said mumbling from his shirt.

He smiled at her when he pulled back.

"Okay?"

She grinned back at him, "Okay."

"So we're not in trouble anymore?" Ryan spoke up.

Seth cast him a dark glance, like _'Dude, c'mon!'_

He shrugged his apology.

"No boys, I suppose you're not. But don't you ever pull a stunt like that again without telling one of us first!"

They grinned as they started walking back to the kitchen, Ryan, Kirsten and then Seth. Her arms around both of them.

Maybe they would be okay after all.

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	9. Rough Like

Christine-You have my permission to give the biggest ass reviews you want when you review my stories. I dont care if they're 3 pages long. Hope you guys like this one.... 

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"_I love you. You're the love of my life."_

_-Kelly Frears, Cast Away._

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"_I had power over nothing. And that's when this feeling came over me like a warm blanket. _

_I knew, somehow, that I had to stay alive. Somehow, I had to keep breathing. _

_Even though there was no reason to hope."_

_-Chuck Noland, Cast Away._

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Kirsten Cohen looked up drowsily from her desk to the calendar on her wall. Close to a month had passed since she had returned to work. She had her great days, her good days, her not so good days, and her bad days, like the night she spent with Sandy in the bathroom. That had been labeled as the unthinkable "Worst Day." She hadn't had too many of those, thankfully.

Her fever spiked on and off again still and there was no telling when it would be on the rise. Lately she had been doing well, no fever, and her pain medication keeping the aches down to dull minor thuds.

Her vomiting had subsided too since she was taking the nausea medication on a regular day-to- day basis, but even it reared it's ugly head far too much for her liking.

Today was turning out to be one of her not so good days so it seemed. She was definitely running a fever because she could feel the cold sweat that was running down her body and the chills that made her shiver against her will. Her teeth occasionally chattered against each other and she wiped the sweat from her brow as she fought against the shivering. The pain in her back was beginning to flare and her joints were aching with stiffness and fatigue. She was cold and clammy one minute and warm and sweaty the next. What a long, miserable looking day she still had ahead of her.

She pushed the chair back a ways and sluggishly lay her head down on its cool surface of the desk.She only had a few more hours before she could leave. Technically she would have left if there wasn't this important meeting she had to attend with Julie. Even though she was more than confident Julie could handle the meeting by herself, her father insisted that if she was feeling okay and at work, that she should attend. If not she might be looking at another drunken fix up, with ass grabs, in her back yard and she really did not want that tonight.

She moved her head from left to right so the other side of her thumping skull could be placed on the now warm countertop. She moved over slightly so that the desk was cool against her skin. She had to be there in an hour.

An hour, it seemed like a lifetime. Then she would be a slave to Julie Cooper-Nichol and investors for another unrelenting three hours.

Three hours, oh God. She didn't know if she could make it another three hours.

She hoped she could handle that long. How would it look if she rushed out of the room?

Oh well.

Shifting slightly she let her hand slid against her slightly bulging abdomen. She felt a slight flutter and smiled gratefully.

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_The first time she felt the baby kick she was laying on the couch watching Seth and Ryan play the play station. They were leaning against the couch and she was cuddled up quite close to them, but they didn't mind. On occasion and her own impulse she would reach out and run her fingers through Ryan's sandy blond hair and he would smile and shiver slightly as the tender touch caused goose bumps on his body. She then would let her hand run down the back of his neck and come to rest on his shoulders. She was laying down with her knee's up slightly and from time to time Seth would lean his head back, using them as a pillow and gaze adoringly at her before turning back to the game._

_Ever since the night that she had spent in the bathroom with Sandy and Seth had watched she was never left out of anyone's sight for very long. She assumed, that Ryan knew about it because Seth would always tell him everything, and it was thier secret pact that she wasn't left alone. _

_Tonight was no exception but she enjoyed the company of her boys._

_She gasped softly and her hand went to her stomach._

_The game was quickly paused and their worried eyes were turned upon her, Seth was frozen in place, speechless and Ryan whispered his thoughts aloud, "What? What's wrong? Should I call Sandy?"_

_She let out the breath she was holding and grinned, her eyes welling up with tears. She shook her head 'No.'_

_She reached out for Ryan's hand and placed it upon her stomach and then reached out for Seth's placing it alongside his brothers._

_"Do you feel it?" She asked them both softly, while the look on their faces confirmed that they had indeed felt the small kicks of the baby inside._

_"Whoa…" Seth managed to whisper in awe. Ryan gave a small grin that showed he, too, was awed._

_"That's almost as awesome as Summer dressing up in that wonder woman suit for Chrismukkah…" he trailed off again before she gave him a dirty look._

_"Did I say suit, I meant she bought a wonder woman flute," he grinned sheepishly._

_"Nice try Seth." She smiled wanly._

_Ryan chuckled and both he and Seth turned back to the ninja game, waiting for the level to load. "That is pretty cool," he said to her with a smile._

_"Thanks sweetie," she smiled and ruffled his hair. Seth's grin could light up a town._

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Kirsten groaned again as she looked at the clock. It was dragging and she just wanted to get this over with. She knew that at any minute Julie would burst through the office door spunky and over joyfully happy. She didn't know if she had the energy to deal with her right now. She moved her head again to a different part of the desk where it was cool.

The phone rang and she let her hand fumble blindly for it. She wasn't moving, nothing could be so important right now that she would have to move her head from this comfortingly cool desk.

"Kirsten Cohen."

"Kiki! Are you ready? We have thirty minutes I was just calling to see if you were ready yet?" Julie said happily.

"Sure Julie." She managed to mumble, feeling anything but ready.

"Okay, I'll stop at your office in twenty, that way when we walk in we can look professional as we walk in and we can catch up! Ciao!"

Kirsten let her hand fumble for the phone's receiver again. She reached around the back of the chair and grabbed the sweater that she had there, placing it upon her desk. The last thing she needed was to have a huge red line running down her face because the desk cut into her skin. She would never hear the end of it from Julie.

She placed her head upon its downy softness and sighed. Again, her baby kicked softly. "I know little one, I want to go take a nap too."

The phone rang again.

"Dammit Julie," she whispered, actually lifting her head this time.

"Kirsten Cohen."

"Hey honey," Sandy's reassuring, deep voice rang through.

"Hey," she said tiredly.

"You okay?" He sounded worried.

"Just tired today. How's your day going?" Anything to get him off the subject of how she was feeling because then he would get on her about going home and yaddy yadda, and she just didn't want to go there right now, she didn't want to bicker, because with Julie on her way to a meeting, she would hear enough of it.

"You're father is giving me the run around again." He sounded flustered now. "Anyway, I have to run, sorry to cut this short, I just wanted to hear your voice, and tell you I love you."

She smiled. "I love you too." He had been doing that a lot lately, calling just to tell her he loved her. She shrugged to her own thought.

"I'll see you at home."

She hung up and placed her head down on the sweater again.

"Oh this is going to be a long day," she mumbled to no one.

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Julie Cooper-Nichol was used to people being enthusiastically murky about meetings, maybe even downright bored with them. But she was always happy, always perky, because this was her one time to shine. Normally when Kirsten was in meetings with her she held the brawn and the brains.

She, Julie, would hold the position of the boobs and the bitch, she had decided that they could both be the beauty's. Somehow, that theory worked. When she got out of hand Kirsten managed to save her ass with her knowledge of the company and when someone argued with Kirsten, Julie laid down the bitchy side of the law.

It worked too. They had pushed more million dollar deals, and succeeded in getting them in the past few months, than Kirsten and her father had in a year.

Julie liked to think that it was because they made an awesome team. When Julie had told Kirsten her theory on the whole beauty and brains thing she laughed and replied, "Maybe we do make a good team." That had made Julie's day. To have the approval of Kirsten and to have her friendship, like an actual friend, not a phony Newpsie was just perfect.

So when Julie walked happily to Kirsten's office she expected the woman to be ready, searching around for a few documents she may have left in a folder somewhere, or talking on the phone to someone, but none the less to be prepared and to look it.

What she didn't expect to see was Kirsten slumped over her desk looking like a dog had drug her from the dirtiest lake. Her eyes were red and teary, there was perspiration on her forehead and flush of uncanny like redness in her cheeks. Julie knew Kirsten was pregnant, but she didn't know she had been diagnosed with cancer. Few people knew other than Kirsten's family, and Jimmy.

"Kirsten? You ready?"

Kirsten looked up and swallowed and Julie could see the two swollen glands sticking out from her neck, along with the sweat as it glistened there.

She nodded her head, "Sure Julie."

Kirsten went to stand up, her equilibrium off balance slightly and she teetered on her feet reaching out grabbing hold of the desk and balancing herself.

Julie reached out and grabbed her arm, holding on tightly as a slight confusion ran through her bright blue eyes. She could feel the heat radiate from the other woman from her hand on her arm.

"Thanks," she whispered through clenched teeth.

"You okay?"

Kirsten closed her eyes and willed the room to stop spinning as she waited for her head to catch up with her body.

"Just stood up to fast, that's all," she whispered.

Julie paused for a moment knowing from her own experience that the hormones could really mess with the body. "Do you want to go or do you just want to stay here, I can handle it myself. I think." She wasn't being mean, she just didn't want to see her friend hold on to a desk because she wasn't feeling well. "You can go home if you want…."

Kirsten gave her a small smile even though her eyes were still closed, "Just give me a second."

Julie glanced at her watch, still holding on to her arm. They still have ten minutes before they had to be there anyway. "Take your time."

She opened her eyes slowly and blinked a few times, waiting for the room and Julie to come into focus. Today was definitely not a good day.

"Okay," she sighed with a fake smile. Julie's hand left her arm. Kirsten then reached over her desk to grab the sweater and the file that she needed for this meeting and almost fell over but managed to recover before anything was noticed.

"You're sure? Do you want water or anything?" Julie was concerned, no one should look this way.

"I'm okay, Julie lets just get this thing over with," she gave her a fake smile.

Julie nodded and grinned. Her time to shine.

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Seth was excited that school was done with for the day. He didn't have lit-mag tonight, and Summer was coming over later, which probably meant another movie night with his family, but in honest truth he didn't mind it lately. The past two weeks had been spent with quiet nights at home, with his family. Sometimes they would all be downstairs on the couch, other times they migrated to his mom's bedroom. Wherever she felt comfortable.

Sometimes Grampa even stopped by and spent a few hours watching a movie, but for the most part it was Ryan, Seth, Summer and his parents. It had become their own little thing and Seth, was actually glad.

None of them seemed to mind either. That one night when he saw what happened with his mom, he realized how sick she was, and the fact that she might die was out there. So right now he didn't want to be away from her, none of them did, Summer was horrified when he had told her the story of that eventful night.

On his way home, he stopped at the movie rental place and picked up a some of the latest action DVD's and a sad love story for his mom and Summer. Somehow they both shared the same sappy taste for movies.

Walking in the house he said hello to Rosa before setting the disks down on the coffee table and headed upstairs to change. He had to go back to the school and pick Ryan up from soccer practice and by then both of his parents should be home and Summer was coming over at 6. What could be better?

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As Julie took the lead in the conversation Kirsten stared at a spot of wood on the large conference table losing her train of thought and trying to focus on the room that was moving. She was trying to get it to stay still.

"Kirsten, here, agrees that this is what we feel would be best for the company, right Kirsten." Julie's professional voice rang out.

She jerked her head up sharply which was a huge mistake as the room swam about, but yet she managed to smile and nod.

Julie went back to rambling and Kirsten went back to staring. She stood up quickly, casting a quick apology glance to Julie and rushed to the restroom adjacent to the conference room where she collapsed down on her knees and paid homage to the porcelain. Luckily it was quick and she slowly stood up again and walked over to the sink, wetting a paper towel and dabbing at her face. She looked horrible, her face was flushed and her eyes were glassy. She rearranged her hair, made herself look slightly presentable and walked back into the room. She stretched her aching back, feeling relief as the muscles were tightened and then relaxed.

"Sorry about that, this little gal down here likes to reek havoc," she gave them her best smile as she placed a hand on her belly.

They chuckled and understood.

Julie looked relieved and yet scared.

Kirsten hated the fact that everyone seemed to be on tiptoes around her lately.

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Sandy walked in the house and glanced at his son who was reading the latest comic book at the kitchen table. "Hey," his voice boomed over the silent house.

"Hey Dad."

"Where's…?"

"Ryan's at soccer and Mom's not home yet."

Sandy nodded his head.

Seth glanced up at the clock, "Speaking of which, I got to go get Ryan, I grabbed some movies for later." Seth grabbed the keys on the counter.

"Okay," Sandy called out as his son walked down the hallway to the front door. "Be careful," he bellowed and grinned as Seth waved his hand.

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The meeting with the investors was going rather well considering that Kirsten barely said anything and had let Julie take the lead today.

It was amazing what the woman could accomplish when she put her mind to it. She glanced at her watch and inwardly groaned, as it was almost five. All she wanted to do was go home and curl up on the couch with a blanket and her family. Somehow the pain didn't seem to hurt as bad when they were around. But right now it was starting to get to her. Her dizziness was beginning to come back too.

'_Great,'_ she thought. _'Just great.'_

She was thankful that Julie had begged that she should carpool with her today. She knew she wouldn't have been able to drive home.

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"Hey man how was soccer?" Seth asked as Ryan jumped in the SUV.

"Rough," he replied as his sweaty hair fell into his eyes, he was well past due for a haircut.

"Oh yeah? Rough how, rough like Joan Rivers or rough like Harry Potter and the bludger rough?"

"Uh…"

"Never mind you don't have to answer that, they're both rough."

Ryan laughed. "Rough like because we lost our last game we had to run umpteen laps type rough."

Seth shook his head, "The whole physical labor, yeah never saw the point in it."

Ryan just smiled. "What's for dinner."

"Chinese again," Seth mumbled rolling his eyes. "I did however, manage to rent some movies to enlighten our evening of moo-shoo pork.

Ryan raised his eyebrows, "Anything good?"

Seth shrugged, "Nothing to great out, I got some cheesy action movies. Besides, Mom and Summer will probably want to watch Ben Affleck in Armageddon again." He sighed.

Ryan frowned. "Great. Just great." He didn't know how much of Ben Affleck he could take.

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Finally the meeting was drawing to a close, now they were just having chitchat time.

Kirsten just wanted to go home. She wanted to change into her pajamas and curl up on the couch, let Sandy could rub her back, she could listen to Seth, Summer and Ryan talk about school and it would take her mind off of her achy bones and the spinning room. If she closed her eyes she could actually feel his hands on her back, soothing away the aches and pains and she could hear Summer call Seth an "Ass!" Then she would look guilty at them and they could only grin back at her. Someone disrupted her daydream as a chair slid back against the floor.

They stood up to shake hands and the edges of her vision went black. She frowned and shook her head slightly as if to try and get rid of it. Slowly it receding and she smiled as another investor shook her hand and she thanked him.

She turned to lead them out of the room and made it as far as the doorframe before the blackness came back into the sides of her vision and when blinking didn't take it away she took another fatal step and suddenly her whole world went dark. Luckily the young man behind her caught her before she hit the floor.

He laid her down and looked up at Julie anxiously as she collapsed down on her knees with him.

"Kirsten?" Julie called her name and placed a hand on her forehead, she was burning up. "What happened?"

"I don't know. She just collapsed." There was a commotion as the few people who saw it came rushing over.

"Kirsten?" Julie said again. "Oh God, come on Kirsten…"

No response.

"Dammit," Julie gushed as she grabbed her phone and dialed the Cohen residence as the man beside her had already dialed 911.

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"No way can you say that that movie was any good!" Ryan argued with Seth as Sandy watched in amusement. "No way!"

"Eh…It's not the worst I've ever seen." He paused.

"You're just saying that because your mother likes it." Sandy countered, sticking up for Ryan.

"Mom's not home yet Dad," Seth noticed, changing the subject as the clock was pushing past six.

"Her meeting must have run late," he offered glancing at the clock himself as the phone rang, "That must be her now."

Seth who was closest answered it.

"Hello?"

Sandy watched as the grin on his son's face left and was replaced with a look of fear.

"Okay… okay? Is she okay? Is the baby? Yeah. We'll be right there."

Sandy rushed up to his son his heart pounding, "What happened?"

Ryan waited for his response anxiously.

"Mom collapsed at work, Julie rushed her to the hospital." Seth's face was ashen. Ryan's mouth opened slightly as if he meant to say something and then didn't. Both boys' expression's held nothing but fear.

Sandy could only wonder what his own mirrored. He ran a hand through his hair nervously before grabbing the keys. "Lets go."

The boys led their way to the Rover and Sandy put his hands on either one of their shoulders knowing it was his job to keep calm and reassure them the best he could, "She'll be okay."

Neither one said anything, because in their thoughts they asked the simple question of, 'What if she wasn't okay?'

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	10. Admission's

_Thhhhhanks for your reviews guys, sorry this took so long. Thing's have been a little crazy lately! Please review, cause you guys rock!!! And you would make my world rock by reviewing, cause now I face another 20 hour drive back home to PA, only to pack my crap and drive allllllll the way back here, to Texas again. I dunno how many of you have ever driven by yourself for 20 some hours, its nuts. But its something that everyone should do at least once. I mean how often do you get to say hey I drove cross country. Anyway, please reviewwwwwwwwwwwww, cause I gave ya'll a double whammy update. :o) _

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"_Do you miss me?"_

"_So much that I can't sleep at night."_

_-Captain Corelli's Mandolin. _

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"_When you fall in love, it is a temporary madness. It erupts like an earthquake, and then it subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots are become so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Love itself is what is left over, when being in love has burned away."_

_-Captain Corelli's Mandolin._

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Julie Cooper sat in the hospital waiting room biting on the edge of her perfectly manicured thumbnail. She looked down at the stone white marble floor before she glanced up at the clock again. Caleb was sitting in with her now. He had known, Sandy knew, Seth and Ryan knew, hell even Jimmy had known about Kirsten's cancer. How the hell could she not? And the worst part was…. Was she actually _that_ naïve to not pay attention? Was she truly that ignorant that she couldn't realize something was wrong with Kirsten?

Kirsten looked sick, she _looked_ like she wasn't feeling well. And Julie was too stuck up in her own world to notice.

The elevator opened and a worried Sandy rushed in, Seth and Ryan in tow. Julie rose and he rushed over to her which she promptly pushed him into a chair, knocking him on his ass in the seat.

"YOU couldn't tell me she was sick?" She spoke venomously, her steel blue eyes met those of a worried Sandy Cohen's.

He looked bewildered. Seth held Ryan back, his arm grasping onto his shirt as Ryan looked at Seth confused. Seth merely shook his head and pulled him into Kirsten's room. His mother one was to gamble with when she was mad, but Julie Cooper-Nichol? Forget it.

"She didn't want anyone to know." Sandy regained his voice and rubbed his arm where it had hit off the chair.

"Didn't want anyone to know? Well, whether she didn't want me to know as a friend, Sandy, I'm her boss, I have a RIGHT to know. God, even Jimmy knows…." She trailed off and moved away from the chair allowing Sandy to stand.

"Technically Julie…." He started, but she gave him a look that shut him up. _'Whatever,' _he thought to himself, not wanting to argue while casting a longing glance to her door, anxious to see his wife. He was surprised to see that Julie had tears in her eyes when she turned back to him.

He looked somberly at the floor and ran a hand through his hair, actually feeling compassion for Julie.

"Look," she started her voice breaking and she bit her bottom lip, her piercing blue eyes welling with unshed tears. "I know we haven't always seen eye to eye Sandy, and I know I've been a bitch. But Kirsten is my friend and she may be the only friend I have. The only true friend. I won't say anything to anyone, and when I go back to work I'm going to be doing damage control. Okay? So don't worry about this getting out from me."

Sandy nodded his head and reached for her, pulling her close as she sniffled. "Thanks Julie," he whispered. She nodded against him, pulling back and ran a finger underneath her eyes, clearing away the tears and makeup before turning to go. "Tell Cal I'll see him at home," she called as the elevator doors opened.

Sandy waved as he turned to head to his wife's room hearing a loud crash. He watched as Ryan and Seth tossed Caleb out of the room and the crash he had heard was Kirsten's retaliation, as much as she could from the bed. Knowing she couldn't throw him out herself, she threw the bedpan, and apparently it had bounced off his back.

Sandy looked at Caleb's flushed face and peeked into the room where she was staring out the window angrily and Seth and Ryan were panting, looking irritated.

"Good day Sanford," he called back lightly as he straightened his suit.

Sandy pulled the door shut, finally stumbling into the room and glanced around. Seth was looking at him expectantly and Ryan had moved towards Kirsten, sitting down next to her.

"Anyone want to even try to clue me in as to what that was all about?" He asked as he picked up the bedpan and sat back on the tray table.

Both Ryan and Seth looked at her, knowing they had to follow her lead, and she shook her head. "Nothing."

Sandy looked at them. They shrugged.

"The same nothing that Ryan threw out of the room, and that has you shaken up?"

"Hey dad, don't forget me, I tossed him too!" Seth flexed, getting a smile from his mother and Ryan.

Sandy glared at his dark headed, wide-eyed son.

She sighed and turned to him. "I want to go home. Please? I'm fine. Get me checked out of here, I'm tired of hospitals. I just want to go home." She looked and felt exhausted.

He looked at her dumbfounded, and was about to object, but he caught her tired glare he turned on his heel and did what she asked.

Her boy's stared at her questionably.

"I'm okay, guys the doctor said I just overdid it today that's all." She knew that answer was a lie. In truth, she wasn't okay, it was spreading, getting worse, and if she didn't do something about it soon, then she could very well not live long at all.

Her answer however seemed to calm them.

"What about Grampa?" Seth's voice sounded like a young child, rather than a teenager.

Ryan's blue eyes snapped up from the sheet that he had been looking at, to meet hers.

"Don't worry about it. He's just dealing…" She trailed off.

"Did Grampa ever call me _that_?" Seth's eyes were worried and there was an odd hush that came over the room.

She motioned for him to come over and sit down on the opposite side of her. "No sweetie, of course he didn't." Seth grabbed her hand and she smiled at him. But Seth didn't know whether to believe her. After all he was his father's child too.

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Sandy glanced over at his sleeping wife. Seth was curled up in the backseat taking up most of it sleeping and would Ryan look at Sandy before looking away when his eyes met his blue eyed son's in the review mirror.

Pulling up in front of the mansion Ryan hit Seth on the shoulder before climbing out of the car, startling him awake and he glanced about warily, for he had been dreaming. Sandy opened the door for him, counter acting his bewildered state by running a hand through the startled teenagers' unruly hair and squeezing his shoulder gently,

"We're home son," his deep voice rumbled softly.

Seth gave him a sleepy smile at the reassurance of touch from his father before climbing out and heading to the house. Somehow his dad always knew when he had been dreaming and startled awake, on occasion, even now Sandy would slip into his room and run a hand through his unruly hair if he had been having a dream, somehow his father always knew when he needed comforted. And whether Seth spoke it aloud or not, he was grateful every time he did.

Walking over to her side of the car he awoke her.

"Honey we're here," his low voice rumbled. It had taken longer than expected to check her out of the hospital and the doctor had told him a few concerning things that he would take up in a later conversation.

"Kirsten? C'mon babe," he whispered and put his arms around her, scooping her up and carrying her into their bedroom. She moaned against him, wrapping her arms around his neck before he placed her gently on their bed. He felt her forehead and it was cool so he knew it was total exhaustion this time and not a fever.

He went into the bathroom and ran water over his face and brushed his teeth. When he came out she was changing her clothes.

She said nothing to him and crawled into bed and faced him. As he eased in beside her he could tell she was struggling to fight from crying.

He took her hand and pulled her towards him, "What's wrong babe? Hmm?" His voice was low and soothing.

She smirked before she reached up and touched his face. "Why can't my father see in you what I do?"

_'Ahh, so it was about her father.'_

"I mean Sandy, why can't he see that you're a good man? Why? Everyone else can see it. People at the office can see it. Why does everything that goes wrong with me always get blamed back on you?"

She could feel him shrug. "I don't know honey. What did he say that upset you so?"

That brought on a new set of tears that managed to fall and her chin trembled dangerously. He ran the back of his hand tenderly against her cheek, urging her to continue. "He said that I looked like my mother in that hospital bed and he didn't understand how I could have your bastard child instead of saving my own life. He said I should worry about myself and not about you and this baby. And then of course Seth and Ryan overheard…." She sighed and she cuddled closer to him, her rounded belly pressing against his.

Sandy frowned. It was one thing to say that in front of him, he could take it and dish out a comment not paying any mind to the old man. It was another to say it in front of his wife and son's.

Before he could say anything else he could feel movement by his stomach and he knew his daughter was saying hello. He could feel Kirsten smile against his shoulder and he reached down to her stomach, moving his hand about to feel his daughter's kicks. They were quite forceful at first and then she could recognize whose hand it was they turned into soft flutters. Sandy smiled as they died down into small flutters and allowed for him to continue conversation.

"Ignore your dad. Piss on him for all I care. It doesn't matter what I do for Caleb, no matter how much I save his ass, honey. To him, you always messed up your life by marrying me. He's a businessman, not a family man, he doesn't understand what we have, and he never could, especially with Julie. He can only see deals, the deal in front of him right now is your life, or our child's life. There can be no in-between for him."

She knew he was right. There was nothing she could do for her dad, and he would just have to accept her decision like the rest of the family had. Yes it was hard, but they all respected her for it, even though it was tearing them apart on the inside. She moved her head so that it lay over his heart. "I don't want to die, Sandy," her open admission was soft, and surreal. He didn't expect it and didn't know what to say afterwards. He simply pulled her close and kissed her forehead, closing his eyes. There was a soft silence that filled the room, but it held hope.

"I know baby. And I can't lose you…I don't know what I would do…I don't want to find out," he trailed off, his words lingering as echoes in her brain.

She nodded and her own hand went down to her stomach as the baby kicked again. It was such a sore subject for both of them.

"I'm scared Kirsten," he whispered in the darkness.

She stiffened slightly against him, the baby feeling her rigid state responded with a well-rounded thump against her. She leaned up to look at him. "Me too," she whispered back. "But this is what I want. You, the baby, our family…."

He kissed her deeply, trying to silence his own fear and calm hers as well.

"I want to go back to work…And I'm thinking of getting treatment as long as it doesn't harm the baby," she whispered against him.

She cut him off before he could speak. "I know that woman have gone though it and nothing has happened, but there is always a chance Sandy. I'm not willing to risk that chance just yet…."

He was going to argue but decided against it. He didn't need to sound like her father, he needed to sound like her husband.

"I'll be right here with you…"

She smiled gratefully at him.

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Julie sat awake in her bedroom of the gigantic mansion that sat upon the hill. Or as Marissa would call it, "The house on haunted hill." She wondered if her own daughter knew about Kirsten having cancer? Knowing her she probably did and if Julie approached her about it she would most likely get a roll of her green eyes and a nod of the head. "Duh Mom," and that would be the end of the conversation. She knew Kirsten didn't have that with Seth, because Seth liked his mother. But from what little Marissa had told her, she didn't know she was sick either.

When Caleb walked through the door of their bedroom she could see something was wrong. He was never one to hold his dislike for whatever was bothering him in so he let off a rant and played out the scene that was said at the hospital leaving Julie speechless.

"You said _what_ to her?"

"I simply told her she shouldn't throw her life away for his child."

Again, Julie stared at the man she had married for money and shook her head in disbelief. "You really are a bastard, you know that?"

Now it was Caleb's turn to look over in shock.

"I really think you need to get over the issue you have with Sandy. They've been married for almost twenty years Cal. He's a good man. Your daughter is sick and the only thing you can think of is your hatred for her husband? Even though he saved your ass a few times? Get out," she said disgustedly.

He stared at her and she raised arched a graceful eyebrow and pointed to the door. "Seriously. Out. Go. There are twenty odd some bedroom's in this house, I don't want to look at you tonight."

He shrugged his shoulders and smirked. Julie Cooper-Nichol, suddenly has grown a heart.

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It was dark in her bedroom but she couldn't sleep and from the rustles next to her, neither could he. She knew what her father said upset him. It always had and it would go into a part of his sub-conscious to where his demons were. And if he screwed up that comment would come out, along with the ones his mother had yelled at him so long ago. And any failures he ever had in his life were there too, anything that had been said negative about him was there.

But he managed to hide it so well.

Right now she knew that he was thinking about it and that if he let his demons dance in his head and eat at him some more that he might actually think he was causing her pain, and eventually her death.

"Sandy?" her voice was soft.

"Hmm?"

"Do you remember when we were at my Dad's for that gala? And he said I was only dating you to piss him off?"

Sandy grimaced, how could he forget that. "Then you told me basically to pull my head out of my ass or else we were done?"

She nodded in the dark and reached for his hand. "That would be it."

He smiled at the memory, "Where I kept putting my coat around you because the beach was freezing."

She grinned. "That incredible night in my dad's pool house…."

"And everyone was looking for us and we had to be quiet? Which was hard to do!"

She chuckled as she agreed with him, tightening the grip upon his hand, "Definitely hard to do."

"I remember."

How could he forget? They made love for hours and not paying any attention to anyone, even when the doors were tugged upon. Afterwards he had opened up to her, talking about his past and she got insight to why he was so guarded, and so defensive sometimes. Sometimes he swore he sounded like a broken record his stories were repeated but with different scenarios.

The abuse and then when his father ran out on him, even though his father hit him, he was still his father and the he tried saying the good times outweighed the bad. But they hadn't and then his mother wasn't there, and when she was he was required to do this or do that and nothing was ever good enough.

So he left.

The whole time he shared his heart with her she just listened and placed a soft kiss somewhere upon him when his past caught up with him and he let her see just how much he had been hurt.

That was the night she told him she wanted to marry him. And her promise that she would never leave him.

He was about to open his mouth and speak but he noticed her eyes were closed and her breathing had evened out, she managed to fall asleep while he was daydreaming of the past. He pressed a kiss into her forehead. "I love you honey," he whispered and tucked the blankets up around her before placing a hand on her stomach, smiling to himself.

He heard her sigh softly as she moved closer against him, the baby fluttering underneath his touch. He smiled again as he felt her movements beneath his hand.

He closed his eyes and sent a small prayer up to God. He wasn't exactly a religious man, but he would take all the help he could get right now.

'_Please God, let her be okay. Let them both be okay….'_

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	11. Stay, for a while?

_Bofbanoff- I hope you like it, thank you for the pimp's at twop too!_

_Christine- lol, I should have figured it was you on twop. What's the website you pimp at? Email it to me. _

_Princess Oats – Please I could never hate you, but I will if you don't update that story of yours!!! Heh, your ramblings, I told you before, I don't mind…_

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_I'd ask you about love, you'd probably quote me a sonnet. But you've never looked at a woman and been totally vulnerable. Known someone that could level you with her eyes, feeling like God put an angel on earth just for you. Who could rescue you from the depths of hell. And you wouldn't know what it's like to be her angel, to have that love for her, be there forever, through anything, through cancer. And you wouldn't know about sleeping sitting up in the hospital room for two months, holding her hand, because the doctors could see in your eyes, that the terms "visiting hours" don't apply to you. You don't know about real loss, 'cause it only occurs when you've loved something more than you love yourself. _

_-Sean Maguire, Good Will Hunting. _

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Ryan rolled over on his bed and sighed in frustration. His covers and sheets were tangled with his legs. Sleep was not coming easy tonight.

Nothing, it seemed lately, was coming easy.

School was simply put: a bitch. He had mounds and mounds of homework and assignments due. Soccer was thankfully over and now he could rush home and be of use. He hated that term. Of use. That was the only way to put it, the only way to describe how he felt. He just wanted to help her. He could see how much weaker she was getting, how the dark circles underneath her eyes were no longer hidden under makeup. The weariness, the hoarseness of her voice, her eyes were mostly listless now, but occasionally they would spark with laughter when she was having a good day. The rest of her body was thin but her stomach bulged under the baby's weight.

Kirsten's health seemed to just be deteriorating and he couldn't count how many times lately he held a bucket or a wastebasket in front of her because the chemo was making her violently sick, and Sandy wasn't there. Though he wasn't exactly sure whether it was just the chemo to blame. She was sick before this too, and he suspected it was a mixture of the cancer, the chemo, and the hormones all put together. Ryan couldn't even imagine how she felt. He only had a slight inkling by the way pain fluttered across her face and into her storytelling eyes.

Kirsten's eyes always gave her away, even when she claimed she was "Just fine."

When she was finished she would ask him quietly not to tell Sandy and he always told her he wouldn't. Because deep down she knew how hard Sandy was taking this and she didn't want to add to his pain and grief.

Her going to work had become half days and then eventually with the chemo she didn't bother going, because she was either to tired, or too sick to do so. Julie understood. She would visit Kirsten at home, and they would go over plans, or ideas, and work around the scheme of things. Julie had turned into a patient, understanding woman, how that happened Ryan didn't know. But he would watch them from the kitchen when he was doing homework of his own, Julie was trying her best for Kirsten to be involved at the company she had run for so long. She was trying for Kirsten to have a sense of normalcy, a chance even if just for a few moments, to forget about the pain and the cancer. Ryan was thankful for that and he would always walk Julie to the door to say goodnight, and to say thank you. Sometimes Julie would only nod her head, other times she allowed herself to hug the boy that was doing what he could. He could sense Julie's discomfort and her grief as well, and sometimes when he watched her leave, he saw that she would run her hand across her cheek to stop the tears.

Kirsten spent a lot of time on the couch lately and sometimes when he came home he would walk over and put another blanket over her shivering body. Sometimes she would mumble her thanks, and sometimes she was sleeping.

His thoughts turned to Seth who had become oddly quiet lately, no more ramblings on comic books, no more "Let's go see the latest IMAX movie." Hell, Seth didn't even ramble about Summer anymore, even though she was over their house on a daily basis too. His normal rambling brother had become a walking zombie as of late. He ate food. He watched his mom. He laughed when he needed to, he smiled when he needed to. He bid them goodnight, like normal. Then he just walked to his room. There was no music blaring from his room, no more searching of the Internet, he just sat in his bedroom in the dark. On occasion Ryan would pass by there and hear the muffled sobs.

Sandy was a wreck but he managed to put a strong front on for everyone. More than once Ryan had passed by him and caught his white knuckled grip on the counter and heard a small sniffle or a cough as if he was trying to hide the fact that he was grieving and miserable.

Sometimes Ryan didn't know what to do.

Other times he would pass by him and pat his shoulder in a silent understanding. Sometimes he would stay until the older man nodded his head and other times it killed him to see the man he regarded as a father hurting so bad, and he would flee quickly as not to lose his own composure.

He knew that Sandy was taking it the hardest of all. Sometimes he spent late nights at the office, Ryan knew he didn't want to, he just didn't want to show how bad he was hurting, and it was his place to grieve without an audience.

Because maybe Sandy feared if he did that, if he was showing exactly how hard he was taking this, it would just upset Kirsten, and no one wanted that.

He shook his head in a silent attempt to rid himself of the thoughts. He was thirsty and remembered that he drank everything in the mini-fridge and would have to go into the house to get it.

It was a cool night in California, and Ryan glanced back at the ocean with its sliver of the moon dancing upon its darkened midnight waters. _'Such a view,'_, he thought.

He quietly stepped into the house, shutting the glass door behind him almost silently, rubbing his arms to ward off the chill the night air had given him.

His bare feet padded across the floor as he headed for the refrigerator not seeing her sitting at the table, watching him.

"You shouldn't walk with bare feet, you'll get sick Ryan," her voice was hoarse, but gentle and teasing.

He pulled back from the fridge quickly and almost dropped his bottle of water. She had a blanket up around her shoulders and her hands were trembling as she tried to get the cup of tea to her lips without spilling it.

"Can't sleep?" He asked pulling out a chair and sitting down.

She smirked in the moonlight. "I can't sleep, she can't sleep, Sandy can't sleep, you can't sleep…I wonder if Seth's even asleep?"

Ryan gave her a soft smile and she reached out for his hand, hers trembling as it grasped his. "Seth could sleep through a freight train, I'm sure of it," he replied with a small chuckle, not telling her his secret that Seth was probably crying upstairs. She smiled at the thought before she coughed deeply and one handedly wrapped the blanket around her tightly, as her body shook.

His look was worried and concerned, "You should go lay down."

She looked amused, "And you should be in bed."

He chuckled, "I'm not the one…" he could hear Kirsten suck in her breath as she waited for his words.

_Not the one what?_

_Not the one dying? _

"Not the one, who is shivering," he said slowly, thinking his words through.

She smiled at him, a most grateful smile but she didn't budge.

"Kirsten. Please?" He pleaded with her. Sandy would kill him if he didn't get her to lie down.

She resigned with a sigh and allowed for him to come over to her side of the table and wrap a steady arm around her shaking body. This is how weak she had become, the old Kirsten would refuse his help, this one plain and simply, needed it.

He led her to the couch, noticing that she leaned on him for support and he knew if he let go just a tiny bit she would most likely stumble and fall.

He watched as she got settled onto the couch and he held the blanket out until she was comfortable, before placing it over her and then sitting down on the floor next to her. "Ryan, honey," she started to protest weakly but he silenced her with a look that said I'm-not-going-anywhere-and-you-can't-make-me.

She reached back and pulled down another blanket, somehow managing to throw it over him. "Fine, if you're staying, I'm ….not… letting ….you freeze…" a wrack of shivers erupted and she couldn't stop her teeth from chattering.

A small frown grazed his face and he reached up to take her hand, wanting to comfort her. Another tremble erupted and her grip was tight until it passed.

There was an unspoken thank you in her eyes as her body trembled again and he watched as she closed them, the fatigue starting to take over. Even the baby had sensed her mother's tiredness and was calm for the first time that night.

He somehow managed to find a comfortable position and held her hand throughout the night.

"Love you Kirsten," he whispered softly, surprising himself, blushing as he realized he said it out loud.

She spoke in a barely audible, hoarse whisper, "Oh Ryan, I love you too."

He didn't say anything afterwards, just squeezed her hand again because the lump in his throat had risen and he felt tears in his eyes. Why was it that every time he gained something or someone, he always had to lose them?

------

The following day Julie stopped by with a few plans and Kirsten's advice. She was in a jam, which she wasn't surprised as she had a knack for doing so. She shut the car door and walked briskly up the steps and let herself in.

The main house was well lit and from her perch on the steps she glanced out to see the beautiful view of the ocean. She always loved this house, and the view.

Walking down she glanced around the empty house and paused, listening.

"Kirsten?"

She heard the sounds of retching down the hall. Quickly, she dropped the files on the end table, took off her heels and hastily made way for the bathroom.

She heard Kirsten whispering to herself, "I'm okay, I'm okay…" as though she was trying to convince her slowly failing body that she was indeed okay.

Julie felt a pang, she should have been here earlier. In fact she should be here more often. How many times did she do this alone? How many times did she try to convince herself she was okay, when deep in her mind she knew she wasn't?

She heard the toilet flush and Julie peeked in the door to find her curled up, leaning against the tub, both her hands on her very round stomach.

"I can't even begin to tell you how many times I held that position with Marissa," Julie joked.

Kirsten managed a small smile, "I was okay, and then-"

But Julie held up her hand and shook her head. "Trust me, you don't need to explain, been there, done _that_!" She glanced around, "You know Kiki, you should really have this repainted if you spend so much time in here, it's kind of bland."

Kirsten shook her head managing a small smile, trembling slightly. "I've actually put thought into it."

Julie grinned, anything to ease her newfound friend's pain. "Are you okay? Do you want anything? Water? Crackers? Percocets?" She asked as she hunched down to her level easing against a cabinet, ready to ride through the worst of the storm, that from her evidently pale features had yet to come.

She looked at Julie, her dull, glassy, pain-bearing blue eyes met the fierce vibrant, cool blues of Julie Cooper's. "I want to get better. I want this to end. I want to live and see my daughter grow up. I want to watch her play with her Daddy. I want to see a smile on my husband's face again. I want to watch Seth and Ryan playfully toss her into the pool, I want to see them happy…. That's all I want…. And some wine, I could really go for a good glass of wine," she sighed.

Julie didn't exactly have a response to the small ramble that rendered her speechless, so she bit her lip and looked at her, nodding. What could she say to that?

------

Later in the day Sandy came home from work and for once he wasn't surprised to see Julie Cooper there. Ryan had filled him in that she had been stopping by and he was grateful for that as well. Jimmy had called him earlier, asking if he wanted to get lunch and Sandy had politely said "No."

But since Julie was here, he didn't have to worry so much. He went over to sit with his pregnant wife as Julie busied herself around the kitchen making lunch for herself and Kirsten.

"Honestly Kiki, where's Rosa? Isn't this her job?" Sandy grinned as they heard her mumble and bitch about making her own food.

"I'm going to go meet Jimmy for lunch, okay?" His voice was low and deep and all she wanted to do was to curl in his arms and sleep.

"Sure. Say hi to him for me."

He leaned up and kissed her on the forehead relieved that it was cool, "I love you," he said with a smile.

"Love you too," she whispered back as Julie came in with their lunch.

He waved as he headed out the door and Julie took a bite of her sandwich. "I'll have to run this by Caleb of course, but, I think it might work."

Kirsten knew that running it by Caleb would put Julie on his good side.

"How is he? My dad?"

Julie stopped chewing and gave her a cool stare. "Still a bastard, like always. I kicked him out of our room when I found out what he said to you, and about Sandy," she resumed her chewing and thumbed through the paper work.

Kirsten flushed at the fact that she knew he had called her baby a bastard child.

She raised a perfectly arched eyebrow "He does ask me how you're doing though."

It was Kirsten's turn to raise her eyebrows in response to both of Julie's answers. "Wow."

"Mmm Hmm, no sex for me."

Kirsten winced and held her hand up, "Thank for sharing, Julie, but I didn't need to know _that_."

Julie couldn't help but smile.

------

"Does it hurt?"

Kirsten looked up sharply to Julie's unfaltering gaze and the question that came from nowhere.

"What?" She asked, making sure she actually heard her correctly.

Julie gave a slight roll of her eyes. "Does it hurt?" Her voice was softer now, questioning.

Kirsten swallowed, her sore throat was beginning to return again. "All the time. Constantly."

Julie dropped her eyes to her hand. "I'm sorry – I shouldn't have asked."

"No Julie, it's okay, really…actually it's kind of nice."

"I don't follow?" She said, waving her pen in the air.

"There's no one else I can talk about this to, the pain, I mean."

Julie nodded her head and gave her a smile, resuming her work. She would keep Kirsten's secrets safe.

------

Seth bounded in the door excited because he had gotten a new release before they were sold out at the video store. He knew someone in his household had mentioned they wanted to see it, and right now Seth just wanted to please. He thought it might have been his Mom that said something about it.

"Hey Mom?" He called, dropping his book bag near the door and he knew his Dad would probably stumble over it and chastise him later.

He didn't call her name again, instead walked softly to where he heard the ruffling of papers in his father's office.

He paused in the doorway, his mother bent over papers with a pen, occasionally signing her name. "Hey Mom," he whispered softly and she looked up at him.

"Hey sweetie," she said with a small smile, glancing back down to what she was signing.

He crossed over to her more quickly than he intended and glanced at the paperwork. "I got that movie you…"

He stopped as he read 'Burial Options,' and froze, looking at her like a deer caught in the headlights.

He didn't know what to say, he didn't even know what to think and he could tell she didn't know either.

She knew he read it. She had yet to raise her head and meet his eyes because she knew the pain that would be in them. Her pen rested on the paper and yet he still stood there as if he was looking for an explanation.

"Seth," her voice was tense and raspy, "You're not supposed to see these. Your father doesn't even know they exist."

"Why?" He was ten years old again, wanting that toy in the store that his Dad wouldn't let him have.

"Just in case Seth…. So your father doesn't have to…."

"But…" he sputtered at a loss for words.

She held up her hand, "Seth, sweetie, stop, I'm not leaving you guys."

It was easy for her to say it, but not believe it. She just wanted to be prepared, she almost had everything taken care of, because she knew Sandy wouldn't be able to do it.

She opened a cabinet, tucking the files in the unmarked folder she had there and slowly rose, as Seth held out his hand to help her.

"So what movie did you get me?"

Seth's excitement had left and his voice was monotonous as they walked out of the room.

------

Seth lay awake that night, he had opened his window and on occasion a cool breeze would blow in his room, ruffling the blinds and curtains. If he listened he could hear the sound of the ocean waves lapping at the beach as the wind carried them to his room.

He knew he had to come to terms with his mother's condition, not that he hadn't already to a certain level, but like actual terms of her dying. Her no longer being here anymore, would be the actual terms and he wasn't ready to face that just yet.

He didn't understand exactly what made him so upset. He knew this was coming, he _knew _it. He knew he would have to see this at some point or hear about it. Yet in Seth's world it was easy to pretend things might be okay, they just might work out. He still held on to that childlike hope when everyone else around him didn't.

Maybe it was just the way she looked when she had signed the last page, the look of relief, or maybe her look of final acceptance, like a huge weight had been lifted off her shoulders and now all she had to do was wait. He wasn't stupid, he knew the five stages of dying and the order they went in.

Denial,

Anger,

Bargaining,

Depression,

Acceptance.

He hoped she wasn't at acceptance yet, he prayed she was still at anger, still willing to fight. He knew she was, she had to be, for she was his mother. His mother always fought, whether with his Dad, her own father, Julie Cooper, even him. She challenged everything, wouldn't she challenge her own death?

He sighed and rolled over looking at the plastic horse's steady stare. "Yeah, I don't know what to do."

He could still play pretend and get excited over movie night like he had been doing, he could go downstairs and play the playstation, yelling at Ryan when he won triumphantly. He could continue his façade.

It was getting to be so damn difficult.

He flopped over on his back again, shrugging the covers down by his waist.

What would his father do? The thought entered his mind startling him. Seth knew he would have his father to lean on, but his father would have no one. He could only imagine how that would go, and who knows his Dad might not even be able to cope, he might slip into depression or worse…He shrugged the thought away.

He sighed again, his eyes tearing up as he thought of his mother dying. He rolled over on his other side and faced the wall.

"Stop it," he whispered to himself. "Stop. Just stop thinking that. Stop being such a baby."

He bit his bottom lip and decided for a small plea. "Dear God, if you can hear me, can you do me a favor? Can you save my Mom? Please? Can you make her better? I'm not ready to let her go. None of us are…I haven't, we haven't…. We haven't had enough time…. It's not fair…. It's so not fair," Seth's whispers became audible sobs as his thoughts consumed him in the early morning darkness. "Not fair…"

Somehow he could see God shaking his finger at him and saying something along the lines of, "What? I've given you seventeen year's," and sadly shaking his head.

His door opened as his father stepped in the room, but Seth didn't see. He stiffened as he felt his bed sag under someone's weight and he knew who it was.

"Hey buddy," his father's voice was soothing, so soothing.

He didn't acknowledge him, only stopped his sobs from being so loud, and continued crying to himself, his shoulders and body shaking, too far along to stop completely.

His father frowned in the darkness but Seth didn't see it. He felt his hands come to rest upon his shoulder and give a gentle squeeze and that made him cry even harder. There was nothing his Dad could do, there was nothing Ryan could do, or Summer. There was nothing anyone could do for him. His mother was dying, the one person who would be on her knees waiting for him to come home from school and as soon as he walked in the door and she would scoop him into a huge hug and beg him to tell her about his day. She was the one person who would sneak in his room if his father scolded him making it all okay, and she would buy him all the little action figures he wanted when they were at the store.

He knew his now silent sobs were hurting his father and he felt his Dad shift on his bed and lean against the headboard as hesomehow managed to pull him into a backward hug.

Seth's shaking back rested against his father's broad chest and for a moment he froze, slightly embarrassed, but then he realized he didn't care, this was his Dad.

"Son, It's okay to cry…" his father's voice pressed into his hair as he tightened his grip.

Seth shook. "It's not fair," he whispered wiping angrily at the tears, yet thankful for his father's presence. Somehow him being here made it just a little easier.

Seth could feel him frown against his hair, "I know Seth, I know…"

His body continued to shake and he buried his face into the security of his father's shoulder, his tears wetting the shirt he was wearing. His hand fumbled with his Dads and he grabbed hold of it tightly, wrapping his slender fingers around his father's larger ones, just like he used to do when he was little.

"I know…" He kept whispering that to him, his little mantra over and over again, and his Dad's voice was so low and deep.

"Can you…. Stay? Stay til' I fall asleep?" He felt dumb for asking but he didn't want him to leave yet.

He could feel a smile being pressed into his hair, "Of course son, of course."

Seth squeezed his hand in his thanks, and took comfort in the fact that his father was there.

------


	12. Still a kid

_Here you go Christine, lol. _

_Bofbanoff – maybe this will give make your day again!_

_Wow, you guys! Your reviews were freaking awesome! You guys make my day- please continue!_

_Tell me whatchu think Please!! Vamanos! _

_------_

_But if I lost you_

_there'd be no sun shine shining through_

_I don't know what in the world I would do_

_If I lost you_

_-Travis Tritt, If I lost you. _

_------_

"_I don't like surprises."_

"_Trust me, there won't be any."_

"_Trust me, there always are surprises."_

_-Entrapment. _

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It was early, not four am early, or five, it was the kind of early when the light is perfect and creeping in the window, a just-right-no-need-to-look-at-the-clock-type early. Sandy had awoken in this early light and glanced down at the woman who held herself tightly against him, as close as her large stomach would allow. He somehow managed to slip out of her grip and she groaned rolling on her back. He slipped down to marvel at her large stomach.

Sandy Cohen couldn't help himself in the early hours as he placed slow, deliberately soft kisses on her rounding belly. He propped himself up on his left elbow, close to her stomach and his feet hung over the bed slightly.

He grinned delightfully as he felt small kicks press back against him. He snuck a glance up at her and he could see she was smiling too.

"You just had to wake her, didn't you Sandy?" She asked him, placing an arm over her eyes to shield out any incoming light. There was a gentle tease in her voice.

"Mmmph," was the returned response as his lips pressed against her stomach again and moved swiftly against her ribs, which tickled, and he got the response he was hoping for. An elated smile, and a soft giggle, as the arm that was shielding her eyes from light, suddenly rushed through his dark hair and lightly tried to push him away, her fingers threading through his dark strands.

"Sandy!" Her scolding came out in a soft, hushed whisper and she tried to move away from him but was unsuccessful since he had his arms on either side of her.

He risked a glance up at her again and she was smiling with her eyes closed, clearly enjoying his tender exploration of her stomach. Her cheeks were a flushed with pink, but not a feverish pink, nor the exhausted just-ran-a-mile-running type of pink. It was the tender type of pink that rushed to her cheeks when Sandy mentioned something romantic, or after they had just made love, the kind that she only let rush to them when they were alone.

"You're so beautiful," he whispered and then continued his kisses and smiled when he felt a quick double kick and raised an eyebrow, wondering if she felt it too.

If she had, it didn't raise any concern.

She laughed at that, a hint of sarcasm in it. "I'm sure I am…" She knew full well how beautiful she had become. She was a walking pregnant skeleton and when she gained a few pounds the doctors were overjoyed. A skeleton that had dark circles under her eyes and made her family and friends revolve around her "vomiting" schedule.

She was putting them through pain and tears; her sons followed her like puppy dogs. Julie Cooper-Nichol grew a heart for God sakes and was actually her friend; her own husband avoided her sometimes because she knew it hurt him to even see her like this. She often watched Ryan at night sitting by the pool and staring out at the ocean, his head sometimes dropping to his chest and his shoulders would heave up and down. Seth needed a nightly visit from his father, or else he just couldn't sleep. She was tearing them apart and she put on the false front that she was simply fine in front of everyone.

Again he insisted that she was beautiful, the way he said it with such love and sincerity in his voice, she felt tears prickle because she knew she wasn't. She physically knew she was no longer gorgeous, no longer beautiful as Sandy was calling her. His hands rested on her stomach now and she shook her head as if to say _'You're nuts and no I'm not.' _

"Beautiful, simply beautiful…" he heard her sniffle and her body shuddered and he knew he had just made her cry.

She shook her head, the words catching in her throat and this time he moved up to her face, to look in those frightened blue eyes. "Kirsten. Baby. Look at me, hey. Look at me."

Her eyes were full of tears when she finally met his adoring gaze.

His hand came up to trace her jaw line. "You are. You're so beautiful…"

He kissed her softly. "Simply beautiful."

In the early morning light in the comfort of her bedroom Kirsten Cohen became unraveled, her strong front gone. She cried like a baby as he continued his soft whispers while holding her close.

------

The first nosebleed she had was when she was by herself. It was a small trickle and finished quickly, but the sight of it on the white tissue made her heart pound in her chest. She threw it away in the garbage and didn't give it a second thought; it had been dry in the house anyway.

The next time she was watching Seth and Ryan play video games as she did that often now, enjoying their company.

Suddenly the room began to spin and she felt the warm trickle that turned into a sudden gush. She used Seth's shoulder to pull herself up from the couch and rush into the bathroom. Her hand covered her face.

Both boys froze.

"Mom? What….?" Seth called after her, the video game quickly forgotten.

Ryan's glance was to the floor and he saw tiny splotches of small blood splatters along it, trailing to the bathroom.

Seth stood outside the bathroom door, hesitant to knock. He cast Ryan a dark, helpless look.

"MOM!" Seth's voice was panicky, compelling her to open the door.

He heard the door unlock and he rushed in.

Ryan took it as his cue to quickly grab paper towels and wipe up the floor.

Seth panicked. He saw blood on the wet washcloth she had grabbed. He saw his mother, her eyes dark and fearful. He didn't know what to do. Dark red was on her hands, on her shirt, some of it had hit the floor; it dropped on the sink counter, a sudden standout contrast to the bland bathroom. He suddenly couldn't think or even operate correctly. His vision blurred slightly and he shook his head.

"Ryan! God, Ryan, come here," Seth poked his head out of the doorway of the bathroom that Julie said needed to be repainted because of its blandness.

Ryan ran to the bathroom dropping the paper towels on the floor, not caring as they unrolled themselves. Seth's voice chilled him to the bone.

Seth chest was rapidly moving in and out, his eyes wide and terrified. "Ryan, there's blood. Lot's of blood. So much. Blood. Blood. I can't… I can't…"

"Seth, Jesus," he sighed and rushed back to grab the paper towels.

"Seth. Do me a favor. Clean up the floor. Please? It's not bad. Go Seth, go do it." He shoved the paper towels into Seth's chest. The last thing Kirsten needed was her hysterical son.

Giving Seth a job he opened the bathroom door and looked at Kirsten. She was sitting hunched down against the tub, her face a ghastly white, the dark circles underneath her eyes appearing even more evident. She had her eyes closed as the cloth had indeed soaked up most of the blood and was close to dripping.

He wordlessly wet another cloth, taking the one she had and tossing it in the sink, rinsing it and ringing it out as much as he could. He would have to throw it away later.

"Shit," he mumbled looking at her not knowing what to do. Her eyes were still closed and what little color she had left was draining out of her features as perspiration began to appear on her face and forehead. He knew she was getting worked up.

Making sure she would be okay he quickly rushed to the kitchen, grabbing the phone and dialing Sandy's number. His voicemail kicked in automatically.

"Shit, shit, shit!" He hung up and dialed another number.

"Julie? I need help. Please?" His voice must have leaked desperation.

He hung up quickly and walked to Seth who was sitting on the same spot on the floor holding a paper towel he hadn't moved, barely gasping, "Blood. So much blood." He rocked himself back and forth as he muttered the words.

"Seth?"

Seth couldn't hear him any words he said sounded like an echo. He was having a panic attack; his breath coming in large gulping gasps, his chocolate eyes dilating with his ragged intakes of breath. Sweat bristled upon his forehead and his chest heaved in and out, in and out, in and out. He wanted his dad.

His mother was dying, right here, right now and he didn't know what to do. She would never walk out of the bathroom again. Oh God. His head ran with thoughts that weren't true.

"SETH!" Ryan shook him on the shoulder and there was still no response.

He didn't know what to do. He didn't know whether to go to Kirsten, or to stay here with Seth. He wished Julie would get here, what was taking her so long? Why wasn't Sandy answering his phone?

"Seth, I'll be right back," Ryan looked into his eyes and Seth barely acknowledged him, nodding, as he didn't even know who said it.

He hastily made his way into the bathroom, kneeling before Kirsten, setting the phone on the sink. Her cloth was again soaked, and he quickly changed it out for the one that he had just rinsed in the sink. There was blood on her hands and he stood up opening the cupboard and grabbed another cloth, wetting it and taking one of her hands in his, wiping most of the blood away. He took her other hand and did the same before he placed the cloth in the sink.

"Are you okay…?" His blue eyes were anxious and she nodded her head, hating herself for this for putting them through all of this.

He heard the door slam as Julie rushed in. "Ryan?!"

Quickly he scrambled to meet her, grabbing the phone.

She was kneeling by Seth and looked positively confused. _'Julie is an adult she will know what to do,'_ Ryan thought, grateful that she was finally here.

"Ryan, what the hell's going on?"

"Julie… Kirsten…" Julie suddenly didn't need an explanation as to why the youngest Cohen was sitting on the floor rocking himself, scarcely breathing, looking terrified out of his mind. The boys' tone only held fear and she jumped up from her crouching position and took off to the bathroom where he had just come out of, fearing the worst.

He didn't even get a chance to explain watching as she hurried to the bathroom where Kirsten was, leaving a speechless Ryan with a terrified Seth.

He kneeled by Seth, looking into his paled, sweating face. "Seth?" He placed a shaky hand on Seth's shoulder. "Seth come on, how's Summer? Summer was over today wasn't she? What was she wearing Seth?" For the first time in Ryan's life, he babbled. He talked about the weather; he talked about school, he asked about Summer, anything…. anything to calm Seth down.

His breathing was still rapid, still fleeting, but he was calming down just a little bit. Oxygen was slowly getting into his bloodstream again. His face was slowly rushing back with color as his skin still glistened brightly with sweat. Seth was almost positive that his heart could be seen beating through his shirt.

Ryan's other hand ached. He glanced down and realized the phone was still there and his grip was so tight that the plastic was almost cutting in.

He dialed Sandy's number.

Sandy finally answered.

"Come home. Come home now," Ryan's voice was cold and distant and he hung the phone up before he could hear his response.

------

Julie sat in the bathroom with Kirsten, debating on what to do. In her spare time she had started reading books on cancer and chemotherapy so she could maybe get an understanding as to what was going on with her new found friend.

Kirsten's nosebleed meant her blood counts were dipping low, and Julie knew that deemed that she should go to the hospital. But when she had mentioned it to Kirsten the woman's eyes went wide and the pupils dilated from the sudden intake of light and oxygen. She shook her head and reached for the towel that Julie had upgraded to, handing her the bloodied cloth. Who would have thought Julie would be doing this?

Julie stood and took the bloodied cloth, rinsing it in the sink, like Ryan had done earlier.

"We have to. Kirsten, this isn't good."

She smirked out loud. "I know," her voice was hoarse again.

"We have to." Again, Kirsten adamantly shook her head 'No.'

"How long has this been going on?"

Kirsten shrugged, honestly not knowing.

Julie estimated at least ten minutes. She sighed and excused herself quickly. "I'll be right back, I want to check on Seth."

Kirsten's facial expression held confusion. What was wrong with Seth?

"I'll explain when I get back, don't move," Julie patronized her like she was a child. Kirsten smiled inwardly to herself as that was just like Julie to tell her not to move. It wouldn't have mattered anyway, there was no way she could get up from this position without help.

Walking out into the living room, Seth seemed to be breathing a little easier but Ryan looked expectantly from her to Seth as if he wanted her to confirm that he was doing a satisfactory job with him. Ryan was still a kid, he didn't know what to do and Julie saw the utter helplessness on his face. He was begging her to take control.

She knelt by Seth and surprised Ryan by running her hand through his unruly dark hair. "Seth? Look at me, Seth," Julie's voice held power, it held certainty and mostly it held that motherly, smooth glib that children listened to. Julie's voice was soothing, she could voice out words as soft as a cat purred.

"Seth?" This time Julie moved in front of him, kneeling so she looked at him in the eyes. Julie had those amazing eyes, an icy blue-ish green color that was piercing and compelling. He was simply drawn to them.

"Your mom is okay, Seth. This happens sometimes.... Okay? Can you take a deep breath for me? Seth! LOOK AT ME," she tried consoling him but now her voice held adamancy, a simple demanding that he pay attention to her. The cool palm of her hand rested against the flushness of his cheek. Ryan watched his transformation from recognizing nothing, to finally seeing someone.

He saw her finally, as she came into focus. Ryan's glances were quick, Julie-Seth-Julie-Seth-Julie-Seth. Julie saw acknowledgment across his face.

"Okay?" Her voice rang out, strong, and reassuring. Seth closed his eyes. His chest heaved a huge, shuddering sigh.

He nodded against her palm, and she again ran her other hand through his hair. It was a gesture Kirsten had told Julie about when they were sitting talking about nothing, and somehow they started talking about their children. She figured in his panicked state that's all he needed was to be reassured. Seth met her concerned gaze and his eyes dropped to the floor, his breathing slowly returning to normal, feeling embarrassed. Marisa's mom had just brought him back from almost fainting. He only could hope in his own confused state that she wouldn't tell Marissa.

She rose again, knowing Seth was all right now, stopping as she passed by Ryan, her hand on his shoulder and he looked up at her expectantly. "You did good."

He nodded biting his lip. He hoped Sandy would get here soon. He didn't know if he had ever felt so scared before.

Julie walked to the front door and pulled out her cell phone, dialing Jimmy's number so no one would hear the desperation in her voice. If Kirsten wouldn't listen to her, than maybe, just maybe she would listen to him. Julie needed someone to console her and Jimmy had always been good at that.

------

Sandy ran red lights.

He ran stop signs.

He even passed a cop on his hurry to get home.

Ryan's frail voice shook him to the core, and he had tried calling back but no one was answering. He wouldn't have left today if Kirsten hadn't insisted he go and help her whining bastard father. No, all he had wanted to do was spend a lazy day crashed out on the couch. But nooooooo Caleb called, she answered, and she gave him this pleading look and he just wanted to make her happy. So he left.

He was never listening to her again. Fuck her father right now, honestly, just fuck him. Fuck him and his inconsiderate attitude.

"Fuck!" He pounded his fist on the steering wheel. FuckfuckfuckfuckFUCK!

There was nothing worse than this feeling of dread that he carried deep in his heart where he kept his hope that everything was going to be okay. Everyday something simple that she would do when she was healthy stopped her. Like buttering bread, he watched as her hand shook in the effort of spreading butter over bread. It was fucking bread. It was a damn butter knife. They both weighed nothing. Yet she shook.

"We can't even get a fucking break. Not even one," he muttered, running another red light.

------

Jimmy and Marissa arrived at the Cohen residence, Jimmy jumping the steps two at a time, throwing open the door in his hurry to get inside. Marissa glanced at her dad worriedly as he evidentially knew something that happened and wouldn't tell her about it.

She wondered why her mother had called her father and why her father swiftly came over here. She had heard her mom raise her voice and her dad's calming words. Walking in both Ryan and Seth were sitting on the floor, Ryan's hand on Seth's shoulder. There was still blood on the floor and Jimmy sidestepped this as he jogged to the bathroom where he heard Julie call his name.

Ryan turned as he heard steps and saw her shocked expression. She had found out Kirsten was sick through her father and on occasion Ryan talked about Kirsten at school. His wounded blue eyes broke her heart and she gingerly sat down next to them, while Seth never looked at her, only concentrated on taking deep, shuddering breaths.

"Hey," she whispered.

Seth bit his bottom lip and nodded his acknowledgement.

Ryan gave her a withdrawn smile, "Hey." Even his voice held misery.

Marissa looked at Ryan and then at Seth, before following his lead and placing her own hand on his shoulder.

"I know this sounds really stupid. But can you guys call Summer? I think…. I think…. she needs to be here," Seth shuddered again not looking at either one.

Ryan looked at him in surprise that he spoke and Marissa never hesitated at Seth's request.

"Sum, can you come to Seth's house? Yeah. Yeah, hurry. Bye."

"I'll be right back," Ryan said moving around wiping up what was left of the small blood trails to the bathroom, overhearing the adults worried talk and Kirsten's constant refusals.

He swallowed and walked into the kitchen, striding passed Marissa and Seth; catching bits of the small conversation that Marissa was leading, throwing away the paper towel. He walked back into the bathroom where the adults were. Julie was sitting and Jimmy was kneeling beside Kirsten.

Their heads turned sharply at his entrance in the doorway but he only saw Kirsten, pale and shaking, her nosebleed had unmistakably stopped finally. The bloodied towels and cloths were in the sink, the bathroom a red mess. He swallowed, once again not knowing what to do.

She looked up at him and he wasn't the sixteen-year-old boy she had taken into her home so long ago. He was the ten-year-old kid that had just taken a beating from his father. He looked questioningly from the adults unsure of what to do, or what to say, or if he should even be here. She reached her hand out to him and he timidly walked closer to her, sinking to his knees, his eyes full of momentary fear. "Ryan, thank you," she whispered. He nodded, his body trembling, relieved that she was okay.

Julie and Jimmy both nodded. "You did the right thing," Jimmy's voice spoke. Again he only nodded nervously, his eyes darting between the three adults. Ryan wanted to hear Sandy say that. He wanted Sandy's reassurance, not Jimmy's.

The door rushed open again and Summer's voice could be heard as she sat next to Marissa and Seth looking around bewildered.

"Christ Cohen, look at you! Are you okay?"

Kirsten's concerned eyes darted up to Ryan's then to Julie's and Jimmy's. She too heard the concern in Summer's voice and she struggled to get up to see her baby, but they held her down. "He's okay Kirsten. He's fine, I checked on him," Julie's voice was sincere.

Ryan nodded his agreement. He even managed a small smile.

Suddenly Kirsten gasped softly, her hands grabbing her stomach as an unmistakable labor pain tore through her. "Oh God, No…no, no. Not yet," she whispered through clenched teeth. "Please not yet. Oh God, not yet...it's way to early..." She moaned and her color paled again.

Sandy had finally walked through the door.

------


	13. Choices

Sorry for the lack of update you guys. Im stuck working from 6am til 6pm til

Feb 6th, and this story will be the only one I will be attempting to update until then.

But don't worry- the others are in progress. Lol.

HUGE JUMANGO THANKS to my new beta – Jannelyn – or as you all

Know her as – softthorns. :o) She's awesome. So all you people who hate my spelling errors,

Alas, no more, and if so yell at her. Lol, just kidding. :o)

Go Read, Pester Me with long reviews, I don't mind. CHRISTINE! Where you at girl? Lol.

Enjoy,

Vamanos!

------

"I love you."   
"Ditto."

-Ghost.

-----

-----

-----

"Please not yet. Oh God, not yet...it's way too early..." She moaned and her color went to a more ghastly like white. As she placed her hands on her own stomach she didn't let go of Ryan's and his hand was placed along hers as well. His eyes widened at the severity of the contraction as it tore through her belly, just beneath his hands. He felt the muscles clench and writhe underneath his smooth palm, he can't even imagine what that felt like for her.

He looked up into her eyes as pain and fear scorched through them. He thought the worst was over, and it had yet to begin.

Julie's mind was racing, _'This cannot be happening…'_ She knew the worst had yet to come. She knew if Kirsten pushed they were in more serious trouble and that the baby might not make it.

Julie didn't know how much heartache Sandy Cohen could take, but she did know this, no one could suffer the loss of a child and a wife without a serious emotional breakdown and Julie didn't want to see that happen, no matter how heartless she truly was.

------

Sandy ran up the steps taking them two at a time, his heart slamming against his chest, his mind coming up with ideas that weren't even plausible.

As he walked through the door he was completely clueless as to why his son was sitting with Summer and Marissa, looking like he had just seen a ghost. He didn't understand why Jimmy's black Benz was outside either. He couldn't even imagine why Ryan called him, but he had thousands of horrible scenarios and thoughts running through his mind. Maybe someone broke in, maybe Kirsten fell, maybe something happened to Seth, and maybe Jimmy went psycho. He didn't know.

At the moment he only saw Seth, sitting there, looking scared out of his mind. And the two girls sitting with him, whispering comforting words, looking nervous and frightened as well. It appeared that Seth may have had a panic attack and Ryan, not knowing how to handle that called him. He assumed Kirsten might have been sleeping. It seemed the most logical reason as he went to check on his pale son.

His curls were matted down to his forehead; his hair was drenched with sweat. His face was white and his eyes wide as Sandy rushed to him and Seth leaned up grateful that his father was here, sighing as his arms tightened around him in a secure but awkward hug.

"What? What's going on?" Sandy's voice held confusion as he stared at Marissa and Summer, his blue eyes demanding answers.

Both of them shrugged in unison. They didn't even have a clue as both of them had just arrived only moments earlier amongst the confusion. "I just got here, Mr. Cohen…" Marissa began but was interrupted as a loud moan came from the bathroom. Sandy caught the words, "Too early."

He looked down at Seth, his son's eyes mirroring his own and Sandy saw confusion rushing across Seth's face. "Mom had a nosebleed Dad, that …that was all…" Seth didn't understand what was happening now, why his mother was moaning the words of "Too early." What could possibly be too early?

Sandy looked up a quick fleeting glance around the room and pulling away from Seth, finally comprehending why his son was shaken.

"Are you okay?" He thought of blood. His son hated blood. That's what happened; Sandy managed to grasp the first part of the unfolding scene.

Seth nodded and Sandy stood up and rushed into the bathroom hearing her yell, "Where's Sandy?!"

------

When the contraction hit, Jimmy had automatically placed his hand along side hers and Ryan's but she irritably pushed it away as if his hand made the pain hurt worse. "I want Sandy," she whispered through clenched teeth as tears started streaming down her cheeks. Her stomach clenched again as the contraction tightened. "Please," she moaned, "I need him here." Pain rippled across her lower stomach the muscles clenching and tightening slowly, preparing themselves for labor. She could feel the baby give a kick or two, as it also seemed to say, _'Nope I ain't movin'.' _For a brief, fleeting moment Kirsten allowed an internal smile as her child resisted with her. But this wasn't the way things were supposed to happen.

"Please, I want Sandy!" she howled in pain, as her body wanted her to push and start the labor. Sandy could make this go away, she needed him to be here, to comfort her and take away this miserable pain. She needed him. At least when he was here he could whisper all sorts of nonsense that would take her mind off of what was happening, he was always so good at doing both, whispering nonsense and taking her mind off of things.

'_God, this fucking hurts!' _she didn't remember her labor with Seth hurting so much in the beginning. Her arms tightened around her stomach, holding herself and giving herself a slight reassurance against the pain.

Ryan's eyes rose to Julie's a total and newfound fear coursing through his nervous blue eyes and again they looked for Julie to take charge. They screamed at her to take charge.

She took his hint.

"Ryan, move! Go upstairs, pack her a bag, take Seth, Marissa and Summer with you. Jimmy, go get the Range Rover and bring it close, call the hospital too and tell them what's going on. You're in charge of the kids."

'_You got it, General Julie,' _Jimmy mused rising to his feet. "Find SANDY!" She yelled.

Ryan scrambled for the door as Sandy appeared, running into him head on but he was ready for him. Sandy had heard Julie's directions loud and clear but he pulled Ryan to him briefly, running a hand along the back of his neck, and ruffling his hair, before he whispered "Go," and letting him pass. Ryan's eyes met his briefly and they looked accusingly with wonder as if to say, _'Where have you been?'_

Jimmy stood, rushing past Sandy to get to the immaculate Rover.

Julie moved in front of Kirsten, "Kirsten, focus here, focus on me, DO NOT PUSH! Whatever you do, you cannot push!"

Kirsten couldn't focus on anything as another contraction dominated her thoughts and body, but she heard the words _'Do not push, Do not push, Do not Push,'_ running through her head. Her body was begging her to push, her conscious screamed, PUSH DAMNIT! Her heart simply pounded in her chest and a great sweat had broken out on her body. This was nature, and it took everything in her willpower to follow Julie's directions.

"Julie," she whispered again clenching her teeth, "Julie, I just want you to know something."

Julie looked amused as Kirsten's grip crushed her hand and then she winced when she felt another contraction with the other that had been placed upon her stomach.

"What's that?" She figured maybe if she kept her talking that she wouldn't focus so much on the pain and she would follow her directions. The muscles tightened and then relaxed against slowly. She shivered.

"I'm really sick and tired of being in pain, one way or another," she sighed the contraction finally past her. Her body relaxed for a moment and she felt so incredibly exhausted. Tired, she was so tired suddenly. Exhaustion was setting in and she knew she didn't have the willpower to fight much longer. She groaned out loud as another contraction came and went; she so wanted to pull her knees up to her chest and curl into a ball, forgetting all this was happening. Her back was starting to ache and she wasn't exactly sure which pain would escalate more.

Sandy squeezed past Julie and sat down next to his wife. "I'm so sorry I wasn't here, so sorry…" he whispered leaning up and kissing her temple.

Julie's eyes met Sandy's briefly and he could see Julie was running on adrenaline only. She was frightened as much as Seth was, she was just better at hiding it. She mouthed the words to him _'Keep her calm!'_ while raising a beautifully shaped eyebrow in exasperation that he follow her plan. He nodded in agreement and shifted so that he too was in front with Julie.

"Hey honey, someone's anxious to get into the world aren't they?" He grinned and she smiled faintly at him, closing her eyes and leaning her head back against the bathtub.

As Julie barked the orders of "DON'T PUSH!", both Jimmy and Ryan skidded to a stop in front of the bathroom each looking exasperated in their own way. Ryan held the anxious look of childlike wonderment, not fully understanding how the adults could take charge and be so calm. He kept looking at Sandy, wanting him to say that it would be okay. He felt slightly ashamed at the fact that he wanted reassurance. He, Ryan Atwood, wanted someone's comfort. He wanted Sandy to do his job as the father that Ryan regarded him as. He wanted him to do what he did best and tell them that it would be okay. Because that's what Sandy did, he made things okay.

"Let's go," Jimmy's relaxed voice rang out amongst Julie's controlling and Sandy's soothing voices. It broke his train of thought and Ryan looked at him curiously not understanding how he could be so calm, how any of them could be so calm. His heart was pounding so loudly in his chest he thought he might collapse.

Sandy, not wasting a second, scooped his wife in his arms and she reached up and wrapped her arms around his neck, wincing as another new pain rushed through her.

Julie walked briskly in front of them opening the front door and then the door of the Rover, while Sandy followed and Jimmy took up the rear. As Sandy crawled inside Julie turned to Jimmy. "Did you call the hospital?"

He rolled his eyes and waved the cell phone in his hand, mumbling sarcastically, "Yes Jules."

"Good," she called and she jogged quickly back into the house.

"Ryan?" She called, startled as he appeared out of no where and handed her the bag.

"Thank you. Now listen, Kirsten's gone into labor and we have to go to the hospital. Either Summer or Marissa drives, you got that?"

Summer went white. Seth had recently stood up and felt over powered as things were so far out of his control. His knees wanted to buckle but Summer's grip around his arm brought him back to his senses. Ryan stared, simply in shock, and Marissa took charge from there, dangling her keys. "Got it."

Julie nodded and sprinted back to the Rover, climbing in the front seat, turning around so she could face Kirsten, who was yelling at Sandy about the pain.

"Never again. I swear to God, this is the last child we will ever have!" Sandy bobbed his head up and down in agreement. Even on his greatest day, the lawyer in him would nerve argue with a pregnant woman.

Inwardly Julie grimaced, but kept her face straight. Kirsten may not have known what she was saying, but Julie knew how it registered in her own mind.

In the fleeting glimpse she cast to Sandy, she saw what he was thinking too.

_It may very well be her last child, on this earth._

------

The way Sandy drove home was the way Jimmy drove to the hospital, dodging in and out of cars, like a bad _Cop's_ episode. Jimmy was amazed that there were no cops and no helicopters deeming him as the latest OJ Simpson.

"Everything okay back there?" He asked tersely his eyes flicking to Sandy's in the rearview mirror. If Sandy had a voice, he didn't use it.

"Shut up and drive Jimmy," Julie snapped not missing a beat.

Kirsten groaned again as the other two tried to keep her preoccupied. Mostly it was Julie who was doing the talking, making snide remarks about a new hire at the Newport Group, and Kirsten's father.

Sandy was numb; he couldn't understand how this could be happening. He suspected Kirsten was in her own little world too, because most of her responses were yes, no, and okay. Not the classiest version of vocabulary but he couldn't blame her. He knew she dreaded going to the hospital because deep down she was thinking the same thing he was.

What if this is it? What if she doesn't leave this time?

------

Arriving at the hospital Kirsten was met with a gurney and a team of nurses and doctors, as well as with several needles needed for an IV drip and a preterm labor drug that would hopefully stop the labor as quickly as it came about.

Making quick lefts and rights through brightly-lit corridors Julie was eventually held back by a nurse and so was Sandy, which left him utterly confused and angry. He should be allowed to go he wanted to be there. Not even, he NEEDED to be there.

"I'm her husband!" He protested as he shrugged his arm away from other man who stood his ground.

"Sorry sir," the large football player-build black man shook his head, holding his ground.

He hung his head in defeat, his world was slowly crashing down around him.

------

As the nurses busied themselves about Kirsten she glanced around for Sandy, imagining he would be here with her. She wanted his comfort instead of being surrounded by strangers. He was no where to be seen.

"My husband? Can you get him?" She asked a nurse and she scurried from the room.

"Hey there gorgeous!" The doctor grinned at her and she recognized him from the first time she had been brought to the hospital, those painful months ago. It seemed like forever since then.

She smiled at him slightly before closing her eyes as a tremor of pain washed up her back.

"Feeling pain other than a labor pain?" He asked her and she nodded her head. He must have been a mind reader, and later he became a saint when he gave her pain medication.

"Let's see what I can do about that," he smiled and injected a small needle into her IV and within moments later the dull throb in her back subsided. She wasn't exactly sure which pain was worse, the back pain or the labor pain.

"Thank you," she whispered gratefully, tensing as the nurse lifted her shirt and placed the cold sonogram nose to her stomach. She wished they would warm those things up before placing it upon her skin. She shifted on the bed a little, her body aching from being put through so much.

"Oh wow," the nurse breathed.

The doctor raised an eyebrow from his chart and Kirsten looked at the nurse blankly. Her dark blue eyes flashed quickly, her motherly instinct kicking into a protective overdrive, "Oh wow? What are you oh wowing about?" She looked at her and blinked, suddenly feeling disoriented. If something was going on with her baby, she wanted to know what it was. She swallowed her throat dry.

She shook her head, the blond hair coming to play upon her shoulders. _'Sandy should be here,' _she thought drowsily.

The nurse broke into a grin and the doctor did too as he eyed the monitor.

Kirsten's vision blurred slightly and the edges of the room suddenly blacked as she started to go from conscious to unconscious.

"Twins, Mrs. Cohen. You're going to have twins."

Kirsten heard the words before succumbing to darkness.

------

The doctor came out and introduced himself to Sandy, and then to Caleb who had just recently arrived. Sandy barely heard what he was saying. He was in a fog, his thoughts blurry with the confusion and shock.

Seth, in his good-natured way, called his grandfather when everyone else had forgotten in his or her blinding panic to get to the hospital. Seth himself would have forgotten too but he remembered his mother would appreciate it if he was there and he knew his dad would make him call him anyway at some point in time.

Sandy didn't like the way the doctor looked. His mind did flashbacks to the last time she had been pregnant and at the hospital. The doctor held that same look; the pity look, with his tired gray eyes and the messy dark hair. The doctor looked like he had just been through a war or hadn't slept in five days. He had raccoon eyes and Sandy was suddenly reminded of Kirsten when she was at her low days and the cancer and the pain flared into high gear.

"Mr. Cohen. I have good news for you and please remember I'm trying, for your wife and your children."

Sandy raised an eyebrow and his hand rushed through his dark hair, sprawling it about.

He looked at him expectantly.

"You're going to have twins, Mr. Cohen. Congratulations, and if things don't slow down they'll be here before you know it, both healthy," he smiled in honesty. Caleb had come up and put his hand on Sandy's shoulder, squeezing his own silent congratulations for Sandy. His past anger about Kirsten keeping Sandy's child had left. Being a father himself, Caleb knew how it felt, the joy of holding that little person in your arms for the first time, the surge of happiness that followed when they first cried or gurgled. Caleb couldn't deny Sandy that, no matter what.

Sandy's blue eyes danced at the thought and he allowed himself to grin. But his grin stopped short when he saw the look on the doctor's face as to what came next.

"I have a whole team of doctors Mr. Cohen. I'm doing my best, but both your wife and the babies are in distress. I need you to make a decision."

Sandy took a step back, stumbling over his stepfather's foot looking on in shock. "What decision," his voice deadpanned and he felt like doubling over or running from the room. He wanted to go back in time to when he first danced with his wife at her father's party and all he had to worry about was Jimmy Cooper.

"Like I said, I have two teams in there, but if something arises I need to know where I should concentrate my efforts on. Your wife. Or your twins. I know its harsh and I know you're asking me why, but sometimes it comes down to a decision as to who to put first."

Sandy went white. He shook his head. "You're asking me to? I can't…. What the hell is that, you're a doctor," he rambled, his cheeks flushing with redness and his eyes glistened with unshed tears.

"Sanford!" Caleb called but Sandy found a wall and slumped against it. He shook his head at Caleb. "I can't, I can't make that kind of decision," he stated, shaking his head. He ran his hand through his hair again, his thoughts desperate for hope. _'This is it, this is the end.'_ He never felt so helpless before, so useless. He wanted nothing more than to be with her.

Caleb shook his head. "The twins. If something happens, it's them you save."

The doctor nodded and turned to leave, as Julie and Ryan rounded the corner.

"Oh God, what have I done?" Caleb whispered.

------


	14. A little more somber

Eppppppppppers! Sorry so long, hope you all enjoy it! Please review, I beg of you!

-Huge shout out to my beta, because without her you all would be yelling at me for my spelling errors.

A round of applause to you – Jan!  I shortened it a bit, lol.

-

"Baby, do you think its possible that there's someone doing this very same thing at this very same time?"

"I hope so, otherwise, what the hell are we trying to save?"

-Armageddon.

-

So uh, you, uh, never know... what... what events are to transpire to get you home.

-Jim Lovell, Apollo 13.

-

-

-

-

Sandy shut his eyes and placed his head on his arm as he heard Caleb tell the doctor the decision he couldn't make and couldn't come to grips with. Some people could make life-altering decisions in a heartbeat and live with it. He wasn't one of them.

Twins?

What the hell kind of wake up call is that? Was that like God's peace agreement, _'I'll take one life and give you another?' _His worst fear only saw himself taking care of one child.

Now there were two?

He would have to take care of two children by himself, at the same time without her, without their mother, or his best friend at his side, helping him, encouraging him. She might not be there to see their first words, or to here them laugh, or watch them grow up. She might not be there to mother their aches and pains, or be there when they had nightmares and called out for _Mommy_ and _Daddy._ She might not be there on their first day of school or the day they graduate.

The fact that she just might not be there was slowly driving him out of his mind.

He could almost hear their questions in his mind.

_-_

'"_Daddy, why don't we have a Mommy?" his daughter asked._

"_She was sick honey."_

"_Why?" she replied again innocently, coloring with a crayon._

"_She just got ill."_

"_They couldn't make her better, Daddy?" his son chimed in._

_Sandy shook his head._

"_They gave me a shot when I was sick," he almost pouted. "Daddy why couldn't they just give her a shot?"_

_He smirked at his son as he looked at him with those huge blue eyes that were definitely his mothers, and he reached over to ruffle his dark black hair. _

"_It was more complicated than that sport." _

"_How come?" his daughter chimed in, getting that lost look that Kirsten often got when she was deep in thought._

"_They just couldn't make her better," he mumbled sipping coffee from his cup. _

_How do you even answer that? _

_-_

Caleb looked over at Sandy's slumped features and felt sympathy for the man. He might lose his own daughter, but Sandy was balancing the fine line of losing his wife, and two children.

That was enough to consider buying a gun and placing a bullet in it. He didn't honestly hate Sandy. He too was nothing other than a low poor kid himself when he married a wonderful woman. And over the years and as the money grew so did his temper and agitation. He knew his children would never be poor and he had just always hoped Kirsten wouldn't do the same – marry someone who was from the other side of the tracks. He hoped she wouldn't have to deal with the repercussions of someone who didn't have the best life, the nightmares, the abuse; he hoped she would never have to experience that. Kirsten might have been able to lie through her teeth, but even she couldn't hide what Caleb saw in Sandy Cohen's eyes.

He saw part of himself, and maybe that scared him deep down inside more than he ever wanted to admit. For Caleb, it was just easier to hate him than it was to accept him as the great successful man he had come to be.

-

She awoke within a few moments and the pain that was coursing through her body was now a dull throbbing thump. Finally.

She was groggy and drowsy as she glanced about, her teary blue eyes taking in the stark white features of the hospital. Blurry green scrubs rushed past her eyes as the nurses and doctors prepared themselves.

"Ah, glad you could join us again, Kirsten," a dark headed nurse smiled at her.

She glanced over at the fetal monitors, "Are they okay?"

"They're fine. They'll be a little small and underweight, and they will probably spend a few days or weeks in the incubators, but they are healthy and they have strong heartbeats – which is a very good sign."

Kirsten smiled in relief.

"I don't understand how I could have twins… we thought that there was only one."

The nurse grinned broadly again. "That part is easy, and it goes undetected more than most people think." She placed her hands on Kirsten's stomach, moving up towards her ribs.

"One of your little ones, is here, up underneath your ribs, a nice little hiding space. He or she probably would shift down around the other one and it would go up underneath your ribs. And because you're so tiny, honey, it was more comfortable for them. Or they could have hid behind one another; like I said, it goes undetected a lot more than people think!"

Kirsten swallowed, her throat dry, and nodded her head in conformation. Hell, she didn't care if that nurse told her that her child could move up into her chest cavity, as long as they were safe, and healthy. That's all that mattered to her.

The doctor came up to her bed, checking the monitors and writing things down at various beeps, his face grim.

"I've slowed your labor down tremendously, unfortunately I can't stop it, it's far too along. The OB-GYN is on his way down, we'll get his second opinion and he will tell us which way to go from there. Most likely though it's going to end up as a C-section. It will be a lot less strain on the three of you."

Kirsten nodded and one hand was placed over her rounded stomach, her eyes drawn to the bulge. She was tired of being exhausted and sick. She was so physically tired of hurting constantly and looking like she was the walking dead. She knew that with the twins safe and healthy, and with them out of her body she could pursue more aggressive treatment with the cancer.

She glanced up at the doctor as he was starting to pass her by, her hand reaching up and grabbing the edge of his white lab coat, "My husband, I want him here."

If she was going to have a C-Section, she sure as hell wasn't going to be by herself.

-

When Ryan walked around the corner and saw Sandy move from being slumped on the floor to standing, he knew something had gone down and he knew it wasn't good.

He just didn't know what.

When he caught the look in Sandy's eyes his breath caught in his throat and suddenly the room he was in seemed to be getting smaller. He needed out, he needed air and a cigarette, maybe a couple shots of hard whiskey. When Julie continued walking Ryan stopped in his tracks, and began to back up, looking for an exit over his shoulder, his breaths coming in short gasps.

The oddly familiar rush of panic flew through him, just like on the nights when his mom's boyfriends had too much to drink and he could hear their heavy footsteps clunking through the house; the unforgettable sound of metal clinking together as they took off their belts and whooped the shit out of him. The end of the belt connecting with whatever it could, landing a sickening _'ta-thunk'_ like sound as it connected with his head, or elbow, or the softness of his stomach, or the hollow of his sternum.

His whole body was shaking but he didn't realize it. At first his steps were slow and methodical as he started walking towards the door. He was trying to be as normal as possible but he gave up when his brain started thinking of the past. Now they were rushed, and hurried, his feet couldn't move couldn't move fast enough as he struggled to breathe.

He knew Sandy saw him and he knew that he was rushing after him because in the distance he could hear him calling his name. It sounded echoed and ragged like he was dodging through people or running for his life.

A gurney whisked in front of him, slowing down his pace and knocking him off balance. He teetered for a moment, his eyes still darting around for an exit nearer than the one all the way down the hall.

It didn't matter now though, because Sandy had caught up with him, panting.

-

As Caleb eyed Ryan slowly turning away, eyes wide, and darting in the other direction he couldn't help himself.

"JuJu, do you have your wallet?"

Sandy rolled his eyes and looked at the man before rushing off after his son and Julie took a few moments before she realized what he said and what it meant. She stood confused for a second as she realized this was the man she married.

Then she slapped him.

"Grow the fuck up, Cal," she spat bitterly as she walked away in disgust.

-

As nurses and doctors buzzed around her like little worker bee's Kirsten let her mind wander. She had a good idea as to what her daughter would look like. Her thoughts wondered to her son, a tiny miracle in itself. She didn't doubt that he would be a dark headed boy. She hoped that he would inherit his father's gray blue eyes and his temper. She didn't think she could have two little ones running around with her temper. Maybe he would play sports, like basketball or baseball. Maybe even soccer and hopefully Ryan and Sandy would teach him how. Or maybe he would have a soft love for comics and Seth could help him in that direction.

She smiled as she thought of Seth joining in their antics. Then she realized both Ryan and Seth would be at college, and well on their way to having lives of their own.

She just hoped she would live to see it all.

-

"Ryan, stop! Easy now…" He felt like he was talking to a horse that had just spooked and at any minute would rush away again.

Ryan didn't move, but his chest heaved up and down and Sandy looked at him cautiously. Approaching him the wrong way would only send him spiraling again and no one in this hospital needed that. And he certainty didn't need a black eye either. The look he cast Sandy made his stomach clench for he was looking at that ten-year old boy again. He had the-lost-boy-whose-family-simply-left-him-a-note-look. It was that look again, the lost despair and the fleeting fear that was undeniably in his gaze. Ryan at times was always a small time bomb, just ticking, just patiently waiting to go off. Now that he was in one of those moments, the next move was up to Sandy, and he had to be as cautious as possible.

Ryan's back was still to Sandy but even now he could see his shoulders trembling amongst his heaving chest.

Slowly Sandy walked over to him, and even more slowly did he dare place his hand on his shoulder. He could still feel the slight quiver but it wasn't in anger. His body was tense and Sandy slowly eased him into the room across the hall that was empty.

Ryan eyed Sandy, ready for anything even though he knew that was a stupid thought. He shrugged his head in attempt to rid himself of the thought that Sandy might just hit him.

Sandy wasn't going to hit him.

Noticing his shoulders still tensed, his jaw muscle clenching in and out Sandy sat down in a chair, giving Ryan the implication that he was the alpha-dog at the moment; he was the one in control. Ryan needed that – he needed to know that he was in control and Sandy was just a presence and nothing more.

"You okay?" Sandy's voice was soothing.

The boy nodded his shaggy head, a few blond strands dusting into his eyes.

He swept them away quickly, as if they were shielding his unyielding gaze. He then glanced to the seat next to Sandy, then back to Sandy and again looked away.

"You can sit if you want," he made a small gesture to the chair.

"I know," he huffed, in his tough boy voice.

Sandy nodded and watched the young man he thought of as a son. The tension that riveted on his face as his bright blue eyes had darkened in color with the dimness of the room. The ridged muscles of his jaw were still clenched. The way his right hand went from making a fist to completely flat and into a fist again. His breathing was hurried and quick, but so silent; Sandy had to strain to hear it. He stood lightly on his feet ready to run or bolt at any second.

"Ryan…"

"Look. I get it. I'm sorry. I just – I can't do this again, this whole moving around thing. Just get it over with."

Sandy cast a puzzled gaze upon the tense boy.

"Get what over with?"

"Just tell me that I messed up or did something wrong, but please hurry up and get it over with it."

Sandy held his hands up, palms facing Ryan in a surrender gesture. He took a step back.

Sandy stepped back a few paces as well and pointed to the chair.

"Sit," he commanded, authority rising in his voice. It was his soothing lawyer voice.

He looked up at him nervously but Sandy raised an eyebrow and made notions for him to move into the chair he had just moved from moments before.

Ryan obeyed and sat in the chair, jaw still clenched and now both hands were in a fist on his lap. He looked down at them.

Sandy kneeled down, once again lowering himself below Ryan so he had the upper advantage. Sandy placed one hand on the arm of the chair, the other he placed on Ryan's knee.

"Ryan, you didn't do anything wrong. On the contrary you did wonderful. Without you who knows where Seth and Kirsten would be right now. Thank you. Everyone is going to be fine; if you hadn't been there, I shudder to think, what would have happened. You did great, son," Sandy smiled at Ryan, and squeezed his knee gently.

"Ryan, I will never hurt you, remember that, I love you kid. We all do," it came out like a sorrowful whisper, but he knew the kid heard it. He didn't know why he said it, but he felt like it needed to be said at that moment, Sandy realized he should have said it more.

Ryan unclenched his fist but his jaw was still tight, still twitching and the tenseness of his body went out as he relaxed slightly. He nodded his head. Sandy could see a small tiny wall go down around him.

Sandy rose, ruffling his hair as he stood and started for the door and made a notion with his head. "I'm going to go see about Kirsten, okay?"

Ryan swallowed and in the dimness of the room he could see his Adam's apple bob up and down.

"I'll be out in a minute or two," he barely managed to whisper.

Sandy smiled and nodded, opening the door and closing it quietly.

-

A dark-headed nurse met him in the hall at a semi-brief jog.

"Mr. Cohen! Your wife has been looking for you. We're ready."

He looked confused. "Ready for…?"

"Her C-Section, Mr. Cohen. Your little ones are anxious little guys. Or girls," she added.

"I thought they stopped it?"

She shook her head as they continued walking down the corridors. "She was too far along, but don't worry, they're healthy."

Sandy sighed. _'Round two hundred and fifty four. Fight!'_

-

As he was putting on the lovely green scrubs and was advised by the nurse of her various orders like, "Don't show much emotion, make sure she's calm, if something happens someone will escort you out, you are to stand here, do not move, blah, blah, blah."

He barely heard her.

As he moved to her side, she saw him and smiled gratefully, he returned her grin.

"Where've you been?" Her voice was hoarse and he could hear worry in it.

"With Ryan," he smiled as she reached out and took her cool hand in his.

"You ready for this?" His eyes danced as he looked around.

She shook her head 'no.'

How could she be ready for this? How could any of them be ready for this? She felt like asking him,_ 'Are you ready to watch me die?'_

That's what it felt like, as if they were preparing her to die. '_No children now Mrs. Cohen, you are a test subject at our mercy, ha-ha-ha!'_

She shuddered as her conscious took hold and went in directions she rarely let herself think about. Her body was numb, a wonderful like numb, no pain what-so-ever, nothing.

It felt wonderful, although she would have rather not have been where she couldn't feel anything, but right now she was willing to take what they would give her. It reminded her of sleeping with Sandy, which he himself was like her giant teddy bear and when she was cuddled up with him – nothing could harm her.

His hand was warm and comforting and he placed a gentle kiss on her forehead. "I'm scared too," he whispered as if he could read her thoughts.

She only nodded and the doctor came over and looked at both of them.

"I'm going to start now, and you'll feel pressure but no pain. If you do feel pain, tell us okay?"

She nodded. _'Yes sir, right away sir, anything you say sir!'_

God she was in a goofy mood all of a sudden. In a way she wished she was that ten-year-old girl again, who was out at a fair and her dad was riding with her on the tilt-a-whirl. The goofy feeling she got in her stomach that's what she felt like, carefree and relaxed, even though the hardest was yet to come.

But she didn't know how much more she could take.

Even though everyone said she had plenty of fight left in her, deep down she knew the truth.

The fight to live was beginning to grow fainter in her mind, like a tunnel of light that was slowly growing. It was just easier to give up than to fight.

-


	15. Anxious

Whew – Sorry so long guys, I'm stressed, could you ALL please review cause that would make my day. Really, really. Pwease? Cause you ALL rock, seriously, y'all do.

Bofbannoff- Happy Birthday! Here you go!

Pixie88- Thank you for your reviews, I get inspiration from them and certain insight where I'm like dammit, I need to write about that. So thank you.

"_Not anxious to die sir, Just anxious to matter."_

_-Pearl Harbor._

_I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh  
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away  
I keep your photograph; I know it serves me well  
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain_

_-Broken, Seether and Amy Lee._

Kirsten's dark blue eyes gazed up into her husband's sea-gray bluish color. It was the color that she knew all too well. She was amazed he was holding up so well through all this.

Fear,

Uncertainty,

Pain.

He couldn't make her better on his own and it was slowly killing him. _'Maybe,' _she thought, _'He blames himself…' _

She knew it was a ridiculous idea, but somewhere deep down she had the tiniest margin of thought that he did.

It bothered him to see her like this. The look he had in his eyes was nothing other than pure fear and uncertainty. Uncertainty for the future, uncertainty that she might not make it much longer, and uncertainty wasn't one of Sandy Cohen's favorite words. Uncertain was how he felt in the earlier years of their relationship. Now when she thought uncertain was in the past, here it was again to reel its ugly head.

She looked away the determined gaze in his eyes was about to make her feel sick, the sympathy that laid deep within them seemed to jump out at her. It was the look people give to the grieving person at a funeral. The-I'm-So-Sorry look. The look she always had in her dreams. She glanced away - she wasn't dead yet, she didn't know how much more she could take looking into his eyes, knowing his thoughts mirrored her own. She could tell he was so excited too, Sandy was an excellent father and the fact that he had another chance to raise their children enthralled him. She could tell.

Yet. As if it were a timed event marked down on a calendar.

She didn't care at the moment. The goofy feeling that she had felt earlier was gone and right now she just felt down right haggard. She wanted the twins out of her slowly dying body so that she could go to sleep.

God, she was tired. Her eyelids felt like they had weights on them and she wanted nothing more than to curl on her side and close her eyes, living in the dream world for hours upon endless hours, with nothing to worry about and nothing to bother her. Maybe if Sandy wasn't too tired he could rub her back for her, soft and slow like he had been doing lately. It relaxed the tense muscles and the shooting pain didn't seem to rush up her spine in the stabbing ache that she had come to know all too well.

Many nights as of lately-her sleep was interrupted with pain, or dreams, constantly waking up soaked with sweat and being too fearful to fall back asleep. She didn't know if Sandy was sleeping soundly through the night, and if he weren't he was very quiet about it. She knew a few times that she had woken up, whether it had been a bad dream or just that she couldn't sleep, he was up with her. Sometimes he never said anything he just kissed her on the forehead or her temple and played with her hair until she dozed off.

She glanced back up at Sandy, his grip tight on her hand, watching everything that's going on and she for one is grateful that she was missing it. She knew they were moving around down there, the doctors were talking amongst themselves and occasionally to Sandy, his gaze intent on what they were doing.

If they were talking to her too bad, she was ignoring them far too content in her own little world of musings and thoughts.

She had watched enough medical TV shows to know what they were doing. One small little slice and the skin can stretch for miles. Well, maybe not miles but definitely enough to get a little baby out. Or a watermelon, but she knew her little ones weren't going to be a normal size seven-pound baby.

The doctor said something about her feeling pressure as they reached up and under her ribs, for her son. It was amazing that they were all packed in there like little sardines. Oh the stretch marks she might have.

Hell, piss on the stretch marks - she thought she had been a walking skeleton with her rounded stomach. Imagine what she was going to look like without it.

She knew. She knew all too well. She watched her mother die slowly from it and her Aunt Laurie too. Their weight slowly went away, the life in their eyes slowly went away, and eventually the will to live went, the pain and suffering far to great to even imagine, and then suddenly everything just goes.

Hers would too, if she let it, if she actually thought about it, maybe it was already gone, small parts of her anyway.

Just like that, just like the snap of your fingers. The color of her skin would go away, from the healthy pale pinkish - white to an almost almond yellow. Her eyes would become lifeless and she probably wouldn't be able to move without help, much less take care of newborn twins.

She shut her eyes, her conscience getting the best of her. When she opened them she met her husband's again and this time the gray color was gone. It was replaced with the loving sea-green that made her smile.

He grinned back at her, and squeezed her hand. "Ready?"

'_No.'_

She nodded her head yes and he leaned down to kiss her forehead.

She hoped she could muster enough strength to make it through all of this and then some.

Seth sat in his chair, his legs and arms sprawled out, his mind reeling in the events that had happened in the past few hours. His breathing was finally back to normal and he didn't know when Julie Cooper had become Super Woman, but he was going to use her for the role the next time he drew a comic.

His Mom was sick. Like really, really sick. Like what was he going to do if she died? His mind kept asking that question and he hadn't found the answer to it yet. He tried avoiding it in his mind, like he kept hoping that one day when he woke up in the morning his Dad would be dancing around laughing because his mother's cancer had miraculously disappeared. But every morning that miracle had eluded him even though he prayed for it every single night of his life since he had found out. Maybe, if he kept putting off the question in his mind, maybe that miracle might surface and he could chuckle to himself as to how he even imagined such a thought of his mother dying.

His chocolate eyes looked up as Ryan walked through the door, looking exhausted as he, Seth, felt.

Marissa moved over, causing Seth to glance at her as she bumped a chair and it made a screeching noise. She shrugged her apology. Ryan sat down and didn't look at anyone. Seth continued his own mindless wondering and glanced up at the ceiling again, counting the endless dots and half moon crescent shapes.

Summer reached over and grabbed a hold of Seth's hand. She squeezed it lightly and he squeezed it back. He didn't have to look at her as their lives were inconceivably intertwined forever and they could read each other from the simplest of touches. Her squeeze simply meant

'_I'm here for you.'_

And when he returned hers

'_I know.' _

'_Everything changes from this point on, and there's no going back, no matter what I do,' _Seth sighed.

Everything changes.

No matter what.

"Here we go Kirsten!"

The doctor was excited and she wished her own enthusiasm mirrored his. _'He must have a great job, bringing new life into the world,' _she couldn't help but think. For a second she wondered if there was someone who would greet her in heaven and simply say, _'We've been waiting for you!' _Maybe she would be allowed to watch over Sandy and the twins, Seth, and Ryan from afar. Maybe she would be their guardian angel. She would put the request in as soon as she got there.

If, she decides to leave this world, if fighting it gets to be too, too much.

She was happy and she was excited but she knew deep down this is where her struggle would begin. Would her will to live outweigh the impossible, or rather the inevitable?

How much longer could she fight this, With the constant aching throb, the headaches, the nausea, the vomiting, the weight loss and the sympathetic looks of sadness from her family? How much more would they be hurting if she continued like this? What if the cancer didn't kill her, what if pneumonia set in or bronchitis and it got to the point where her immune system was so weak she couldn't fight anything off?

How much more would it take to tear them apart? And the honest question, how much more could Sandy take? How much more could she watch him look at her with sadness and love and know that in his mind and heart he would trade places with her in an instant.

How many more nights would she get to spend at home, content in Sandy's arms? Would she even get to go home after this? She hoped she would.

Her thoughts were disrupted when she felt the pressure the doctor was talking about and then the sudden soft wail of a baby's cry, and gasps of joy from the nurses.

She grinned and Sandy squeezed her hand tightly as he whispered to her, "It's a girl!"

Tears slowly slid down her cheeks and she chuckled and laughed in the feeling that she was a new mother again.

The feeling that courses through her warms her chilled body and makes her heart beat with a pace she had forgotten about. The excited kind of pace one that's not too fast and not too slow, just right. Her breathing quickens and another tear falls down her flushed cheek.

She smiled as Sandy leans down and kisses her forehead again, his paternal excitement and joy evident on his face.

'_Alexandria,'_ she thinks softly to herself as she continues to hear the baby's soft cries and the nurses as they muse and coo over her. Kirsten can hear a nurse tell another nurse that her daughter is "so little and just perfect."

If Kirsten had the energy she would strain herself to look about the room, but she doesn't. That would take all that she had left and as it was right now even staying awake was becoming a struggle.

Sandy has a grin on his face that could light up the whole room and he was so proud. It's showed on his face and on the way his body is holding itself. His shoulders are squared off and his chest sticks out a little, it's really the grin though that gives it all away. She smiles at her husbands' antics and hears a nurse mumble "Five pounds, four ounces, not bad for a preemie."

She's relieved at that, at least her daughter is okay and holding her own, as she let's her little voice be known to the world with another loud howl. Kirsten smiles as she hears the baby's wail as if her daughters yelling, _'It's cold out here damnit!' _

She closes her eyes and hopes that she can hold her sometime soon. It's driving her nuts that they won't let her just yet. Her heart fluttered with the natural motherly instinct to see and protect her child.

Again she felt the pressure and once more she heard a nurse yell, "It's a boy!" but this time Kirsten didn't hear a baby's cry and she felt Sandy's grip tighten on her hand. She heard them murmur "He's not breathing, I need suction." The nurses whisked him away from hers and Sandy's sight as well as earshot.

From the super grip Sandy had on her hand she knew his heart was pounding in his chest. He glanced down at her and gave the tiniest smile, "He'll be fine honey. Don't worry, he's a Cohen, and we Cohen's are fighters."

'_We Cohen's are fighters. Fighters. We Cohen's are fighters. Sandy? How much more fighting do you think **I** have in me? I'm getting tired of fighting Sandy. So tired.' _

She nodded and swallowed, her throat dry, and her thoughts were tangled, things weren't supposed to happen this way. Her son, he was a fighter. He fought to get in this world, he would damn sure fight his way through it.

'_God? Please, if you're listening save my little boy, because this family won't be able to take two losses. Amen.'_

Julie Cooper-Nichol watched Seth, Summer, Ryan and Marissa as they seemed so at peace with each other. What a true group of friends, and what a combination. There was your Juvenile-Delinquent – who in reality was a good kid that had never been given a chance until now. There was the Comic Book Loser/Nerd who had finally found confidence in a friend and brother. The Homecoming-Shopoholic-Queen whom was a sweet girl that Julie swore suffered from bad step-mom skills and rage blackouts. And then her daughter, Marissa, The Overdosing-On-Drugs-Everything-Is-Your-Fault-Mom- Newport Beach snob.

Together, they were the invincible foursome. Whatever the outcome of this mess, at least they had each other to pull them through. It would be the girls that would save the boys from depression and who knows what else. Who would Julie have? If Kirsten died then that meant so did her one true friend. She would have an inconsolable Sandy and who knew about Caleb, he was like a box of bottle rockets waiting to explode as he watched his oldest daughter fight cancer and pregnancy.

Sometimes Julie was surprised the whole Cohen family had made it this far without collapsing entirely.

'_Blood, is thicker than water,'_ Julie mused as she kept a careful eye on the young adults in the room whose worry was shown on their faces so much and it made them look like ten-year-olds, instead of seventeen.

They were stitching her up when a nurse came back into the room and smiled at them. "They're both okay! You have two beautiful healthy babies."

Kirsten sighed in relief and Sandy leaned down and kissed her softly.

She smiled as she thought of them. Two. Not one, but two. Something she could never give Seth until Ryan came along. A Brother, and a Sister, and the best of friends, Someone that the other could rely on when there was no one else, someone who had the other's back indefinitely.

Maybe the twins were just an inkling of what was to come. Maybe that was the miracle of them, the reason she had twins. The reason her body had stayed strong for this long, maybe she was going to die but at least they would have each other and Sandy. He would have the two of them to keep him busy.

"Sandy?" she whispered.

He looked at her.

"We need to think of another name."

He smiled at her and she closed her eyes as the doctors and nurses do their job of cleaning her up as well as the twins. She was so tired and it felt so wonderfully good that her lower body was numb and she could feel no pain.

She dreaded waking up from this immeasurable pleasure.

Sandy came out into the waiting room for a few moments, making all of them jump to their feet awaiting his news.

Sandy was all smiles as he told them the great news. "Twins, one boy and one girl!"

Caleb's jaw dropped and Julie covered her face with her hands. No one was expecting this.

Seth broke into a huge grin and crossed the distance that was between him and his father in a record pace. He hugged his father aggressively and Sandy hugged his son back. His Dad somehow always had that kind of presence that meant everything would be fine. Seth wouldn't admit it to anyone right now but he needed to know that everything was fine, that for the moment his Mom was fine. Ryan had also come up and joined in the hug with Seth and Sandy. Their grins were infectious and everyone waiting simply had to smile.

Julie smiled and walked over to Sandy as she waited for the boys to move so that she could give him a hug and congratulations. Even Caleb had stood up, and wanted to shake his son-in-laws hand. No matter what feelings he had towards him he couldn't rain on Sandy's parade. Even Caleb Nichol wouldn't be that ignorant today.

"Nurse?" Her voice was hoarse and the room was spinning totally out of control. She had taken maybe a five-minute nap, or maybe it was longer than that. Whatever time had gone by she woke up in her room and she knew she was going to be sick. The wonderful numbing sensation that was in her lower back had worn off too. She could feel the angry stabs of pain that shot up and down her spine without mercy. She heard someone bustling about in the corner.

"Nurse?" She spoke louder, more forcefully and she glanced over as an older woman appeared at her bedside. Oh, this was going to be bad.

The nurse was a redhead, a little on the chubby side but she had a nice smile and soft eyes. Her nametag read Patty and Kirsten quickly closed her eyes as the letters swirled.

"I'm going to be sick," she moaned and she felt the familiar chills of a fever suddenly take hold of her body. She shivered despite herself.

The nurse was quick to grab a basin and held it in front of Kirsten, before she hurriedly sauntered out of the room for the correct shot she would need. As she bustled past the nurse's station she sent another nurse to aid Kirsten.

'_Poor woman, she has been through so much,' _Patty's heart did ache for her. No one should have to go through this after having two children. But she suspected that it could have been a reaction to the anesthesia. She hurried as fast as she could to the medical supply closet where they kept their medications to stop the vomiting. Kirsten needed rest and a lot of it.

As a new nurse rushed to Kirsten's aid she made it in time to watch her begin to throw up. A soft hand was placed upon her back and the woman managed to move the blond hair out of the line of fire.

"So sick of this," she moaned in between heaves and her teeth chattered together as the chills cascaded through her body.

"Just breathe Kirsten, Patty will be back in a jiffy we'll fix you up in no time," the new nurse kept talking to her, trying to keep her calm and controlled.

She heaved again and it burned her throat as she coughed. "Mmm God," she whispered and the nurse whisked away that basin and replaced it with another.

"Everything hurts," she moaned and leaned forward, as her stomach lurched again. She shivered uncontrollably.

"Cold…so cold."

"I know sweetheart. You're doing just fine. I hear you have the prettiest babies we've ever seen!" She kept patting her back like she was a child.

Kirsten took a breath and gave a weak smile. "I haven't seen them yet," she whispered. "My husband went to tell our family the good news…."

Her stomach convulsed and cut her off. She really wanted to see her little ones. She really wanted to get better.

Right now, she honestly wanted to stop throwing up and just roll on her side, curling into a ball and getting some sleep.

"Well, I got the chance to see them and boy are they pretty," she grinned at her. Kirsten then suddenly wondered how this woman could have a conversation with her while she was doing one of the grossest things known to man.

She suspected that the woman was used to it. Kirsten would never get used to this, to throwing up so forcefully that her head hurt and the muscles in her stomach ached for hours afterwards because they were so tired.

"Thank You," she whispered as she came up for air again. Her body trembled and her head was pounding now. Her anesthesia for her lower body and back had worn off and she could feel the stabbing pains that were shooting there, the slow continuous pounding pain that seemed to have no end. There was warmth somewhere deep inside her, a mother's pride as this woman kept raving about Kirsten's children. That made her hold on and fight through this bout of nausea and sickness.

"You're doing fine Kirsten, did you think of names?"

Kirsten shivered again and nodded her head before vomiting again. When she came back up for air Patty had returned and placed the shot into her upper arm. It took a few moments but the medication had done its trick and the nurse took the basin away.

"One, we have one name," she whispered and went to wipe her mouth with the napkin the nurse had given her, cringing as the tips were red with blood. Her nosebleed had started back up again. She trembled. Blood, it was what brought her here in the first place.

The nurse handed her another napkin and some mouthwash and saw the blood. "Just busted capillaries sweetheart, from the force of vomiting, it happens. One name, don't you need two? What is it?"

"Alexandria Bella Cohen."

Kirsten smiled in relief again. "We didn't know there was going to be two."

The nurse who had been helping her was named Sally, and both Sally and Patty joined in on the discussion of her newborns.

"Sounds like you had a little miracle then huh?" Patty smiled at her.

Kirsten leaned against the pillows, complete exhaustion creeping up through her bones and making her more tired then she ever thought possible. She wanted to go home and sleep in her bed, with Sandy and the twins safe in the next room.

"He's our little miracle," she whispered softly agreeing with her as she started to drift to sleep. Patty added a small shot of pain medication through the IV. The poor woman needed her rest after all this.

Sandy appeared out of nowhere, his eyes wide at the sight of the nurses cleaning up.

"You're wife got a little sick on us Mr. Cohen," Patty smiled.

He ran a hand over his face and through his hair, "Is she okay? What happened?" His voice held deep concern for her, he hated when she got sick and he wasn't there to help her.

"Probably a reaction to the anesthetic, she's okay now." Patty stopped and patted his arm gently.

"Thank you," he whispered as he went to sit beside her. He reached up and moved the hair away from her damp forehead and tucked it behind her ear. He leaned up and kissed her softly on the temple, his eyes welling up with tears.

She moaned softly in her sleep but she didn't wake up.

He picked up her hand, and held it in his, his thumb rubbing over the smooth back of her hand. His other hand came up covered his eyes as his tears dropped from his face. She couldn't get a break and there was nothing he could do to help her, or take away her pain. She was slowly slipping away and leaving him alone.

He couldn't do this alone.

He didn't even want to.


	16. A Name

Finally. Sorry it's taken so long, but I haven't had an urge to write for this. Sometimes stories get monotonous and we get bored and when we get bored the writing gets sloppy. I hate sloppy writing. I should be over that…. I've missed the flashbacks/dream/future/things… so they shall be more... uh recurring.

Please Review! You guys begged for it and here it is!

And I would like to add something for all the authors as well as the reviewers. I get kind of irritated when someone tells me that someone is out of character, or this could never happen. Yaddy yadda. Please, take into consideration, that the whole reason for fanfiction? Is to see the things that would never happen.

Kay, enough. Read, Vamanos!

XxXxX

"_The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds."_

_-The Notebook. _

XxXxX

_Someone was watching him. He opened his eyes cautiously to whomever was staring him down in the dark. _

"_Hey buddy, what's wrong?" Sandy called out softly to the dark-headed child standing before him. _

"_When's Mommy coming home?" His small voice asked hopefully. _

"_Tomorrow bud. She'll be home tomorrow." _

_He nodded quietly his blue eyes drowsy with sleep. He bowed his head and looked up shyly at him from underneath his bangs. _

_He has Kirsten's pout. _

_But his son is definitely all him. _

_Dark hair, he shares a mix of their eyes, he has his smile, his friendly out-going attitude, but Kirsten's quiet thoughtful nature. _

_He keeps his sister out of trouble. While Allie had a habit of diving headfirst into things, Kaden seemed to hold back, think things through and then jump. _

"_C'mere bud," he says as he lifts the little boy on the bed with him. His son snuggles down against his chest, and in a few moments he can hear his daughter pad softly into his room. _

"_Hey there la Niña Bella, you can't sleep either?" _

_She shakes her head, golden girls tumbling down around her, those inquisitive blue eyes looking at him, piercing his soul. _

_Kirsten stares back at him, miniaturized. _

_He should have known better then to even attempt to put them into their own beds these past few days._

_They hadn't slept at all and had awakened him in the night for various reasons: "I can't sleep, it's to dark, there is a monster in the closet, there is a ghost in my room…" Despite his quiet reassurances that there were none of these things he knew they wanted their mother. It was the first time she had been away in their eight years. They just missed her and so did he. _

_Kirsten had to take a business trip with her father to persuade two giant companies into buying whatever it was that they were trying to sell and close the deal once and for all. She had been gone five days and the kids were starting to feel it, and so was he. _

"_Will Momma be home by the time we get home from school tomorrow?" Allie asked optimistically, her sleepy voice softly asked as she nuzzled down against the protective side of her father. _

"_She should be Allie-girl, she should be, but it depends on what time Grandpa's jet flies back."_

"_Grampa's mean!" _

_Sandy chuckled. While Allie may be more subdued in her outbursts her brother never hesitated. That was probably the difference, Kaden spoke his mind, Allie held her tongue. _

_An odd contradiction between the two. _

"_That's beside the point my son, that's beside the point. You guys need to sleep, or else your mother will have my head." _

"_I miss Mommy," his son spoke softly. _

_His daughter nodded against him, her eyes closed._

"_Me too buddy, me too." _

_Getting both of them up the following day was a chore in itself. _

_Getting them off to school was even more so. They were homesick for her and so was he. He was more then ready to have Kirsten back, so they could be even, one-parent-per-child ratio again. _

_Sandy had brought home some work from his office that he had from Caleb's latest and greatest screw up. _

_It was near three p.m. when she walked through the door, cell phone in hand, blond hair messy, slightly pale from jet lag; her suit had wrinkles in it from sitting down and she looked tired, but healthy. _

_He smiled at her as she made her way over to the couch, talking into the phone, and leaned into him as he kissed her cheek, closing her eyes before leaning back, his hand in her hair, playing with the strands. _

_She closed the phone and tilted her head, giving him a soft kiss while pulling back and raising a perfectly arched eyebrow. _

"_So, how were they?" _

_He grinned. _

"_They missed you. I missed you, and boy do you have a homecoming waiting for you." _

_She smiled affectionately, snuggling back against his chest. _

"_I'm so tired." _

_Instantly he went rigid. "You feel okay?" _

_He couldn't help it. _

_She grinned at him. "Sandy, I'm jet-lagged. There is a huge time difference between here and New York; we were up early, everyday. I'm okay…really." _

_She burrowed against him and sighed before glancing at the clock. "I'm going to go in the kitchen. Pretend I'm not home." A huge smile graced her gorgeous features._

_He grinned himself. He loved watching his children's reactions._

_They burst through the door no more then ten minutes later, book bags flying, shoes coming off, they ran to the person who they saw first, "DADDY!" _

_They both gave him a huge hug. _

"_Is she home, Daddy? Is she, is she!" _

"_Sorry guys..." _

_Their faces fell. _

_Kaden sulked. _

_Allie pouted. _

_He smiled as she walked through the entry-way to the living room. _

"_You guys aren't happy I'm home or what?" _

_A huge grin crept upon his son's face while his daughter's eyes lit up. Their smiles were enormous and they wasted no time scrambling into her open arms. _

_They yelled "Mommy!" at the top of their lungs before running to her, both of them hugging her at the same time. Clinging would be the more appropriate word. _

"_I missed you two!" _

_It was remarkable as to how similar his daughter looked like her mother. She could mimic her movements; she had her frown, her smile, she could give Sandy or her brother a glare that was identical to her mothers. She was all Kirsten, through and through. _

_They both chimed their 'I missed you's,' to her while Kaden pulled back, "Grampa's mean for making you go away." _

"_Sweetie, Grampa didn't make me go, I had to go for work. He's not mean," she laughs softly, watching his amused expression. _

"_Daddy says he's mean!" _

_She shot Sandy a look and he held his hands up defensively. _

"_Why you little sell-out!" He grins as he picks his son up and tickles him, pulling him with him to the couch. _

_Kirsten takes Allie where they settle down and their children begin to quiz her._

"_What's New York like?" _

"_How tall are the skyscrapers?" _

"_Did you see pigeons?" _

"_Did you get mugged?"_

"_Can we go swimming?" _

"_Did you ride in a taxi?"_

"_Did you see where Daddy's from?" _

"_Did you stay in a hotel?" _

"_I'm hungry!" _

"_Are you going to tuck us in?" _

"_Can we sleep with you tonight?"_

"_Was it snowing, Daddy says it snows there, I want to see snow, Mommy can we see snow one day?" _

_Random questions, a hundred miles a minute. _

_Kirsten answered accordingly. _

"_Homework needs to be finished, yes we can go swimming, yes I stayed in a hotel, yes I saw pigeons, yes I rode in a taxi, and yes I will tuck you in. No I did not see where Daddy is from, No, I did not get mugged, No, I did not see snow, New York is wonderful, we'll go there for vacation, one day we'll go when it's snowing, your father will get you guys something to eat, and go change your clothes." _

_They grinned, satisfied. Over the years both she and Sandy had learned to let them fire rapid questions and answer in huge paragraphs. It was easier to confuse them and make them hopefully forget a question or two. _

_She was trying to break their habit of sleeping with her and Sandy at night, but she supposed one more night couldn't hurt._

"_Go. Go on, vamoose, I'm not going anywhere." _

_They turned to go before her son rushed back into her arms, whispering a soft, "I love you Mommy," with his fathers bashful, shy grin. _

_She swept the dark hair away from his forehead, leaning up to place a tender kiss there, before whispering the words, "I love you too," back to him. _

_She gives Sandy a smile he loves. She's home now. _

XxXxX

He groaned as he stretched in his sleep, his back aching from sleeping in the chair. The baby name book fell to the ground with a soft muted thump and he wearily reached down to pick it up, glancing at the name before him. One of the nurses gave it to him and insisted that he look through it, "He can't be Baby-Boy Cohen while his sister has a name!"

Kaden, Caden: Origin: American. Meaning: Fighter.

Well if that didn't fit then nothing ever would. They would use the K, after Kirsten.

He yawned; his body was tired and weary slowly getting worn down. He glanced at Kirsten she was sound asleep, comfortably, the pain and nausea medication doing their job well tonight.

God he felt like shit right now, exhausted and hungry but he didn't have the appetite to eat anything.

She had the start of raccoon eyes, her face pale, but her cheeks were flushed slightly with a healthy pink. She was curled slightly on her side, slightly on her back and she had a small smile playing upon her face.

He leaned up and kissed her forehead before walking out of the room.

He sent Seth and Ryan home, Julie and Caleb had left, and now it was just Kirsten and himself. He felt like walking down to the nursery ward and glancing in the window, looking at his little angels-that-would-turn-into-terrors- in a few years. Making it there in a record numbing time he felt drawn to the window as they breathed in and out, covered up in the appropriate pink and blue blankets.

His dark headed son and his light headed baby girl with the names COHEN written above them glared back at him.

He smiled proudly wishing he could hold them. He hadn't been able to do that yet. He couldn't wait to hold their little bodies against his chest, he couldn't wait to watch them grow up and he couldn't wait to watch Kirsten mother them to death.

Or so he hoped.

Tiptoeing back into his wife's room, he kissed her forehead again, softly brushing a blond tendril out of the way and he watched as she sighed softly. Her forehead was slightly warm and but she was sleeping peacefully so he let it drift from his thoughts.

He took her hand and held it tightly while she nuzzled her pillow, smiling blissfully in dreamland.

"I love you," he whispered softly with exhaustion.

XxXxX

"Kaden."

"What?"

"The name, what do you think of Kaden, with a K. K-A-D-E-N."

She paused, thinking.

"I like it, what does it mean?"

"Fighter," he answered simply, grinning slightly.

She smiles, "I think that suits him."

"Good, you get to choose the middle name."

She rolls her tired blue eyes and smiles lovingly at him.

She feels better today, not as nauseous, but it doesn't matter, because next week is when it's going to hit the fan. Next week is when Seth joked she would have a "Comet of Vomit!" She smiled at Seth, but he didn't realize how true his words were spoken.

Next week if she is feeling okay, and her immune system is up to par, she starts a bad-ass dose of chemo.

If that doesn't show any improvements, then it's chemo plus radiation.

Just the thought of the two mixed together makes her tremble. Her body was already so weak, so tired and exhausted. Her soul was weary and worn. She doesn't want to fight right now and she doesn't know if she has the heart to do so.

It frightens her down to the last bone in her body. Sandy is smiling at her, patiently, the love in his blue eyes twinkling lightly.

"Give me the book," she smiles at him.

She can think about fighting another day.

XxXxX

The first time she sees her light-headed daughter, tears well up in her dark blue eyes.

The first time she sees her tiny dark-headed son she cries softly and he smiles proudly.

The nurse shows her how she can reach inside and hold his hand and his little fingers wrap tightly around hers and he makes a little gurgle wail as he struggles awake and blinks in the bright, harsh light.

He opens up those light baby blues and stares right at her, piercing her soul. Her smile is so beautiful that Sandy's breath catches in his throat as he watches.

His little grip is tight upon his mother's and he contently closes those blue eyes and falls back asleep.

Kaden.

Alexandria. She can't picture any other names for her children.

It fits and now she can see no other name for him.

A fighter, her little boy is a fighter.

Her little girl is clinging on to her father's hand just as tightly and despite how badly she aches, despite how sick she is, she knows they are worth fighting for.

She smiles weakly at Sandy, her face alight with features he can't even describe.

He hasn't seen her happy or at such utter peace since before the night in the hospital when they found out about everything. He misses the blissful days before he worried if she would make it to the next day.

The days when he didn't think of how she might leave all of them, alone.

XxXxX

Ryan sits quietly outside, the moon glaring off the windows on the glass that surround the massive house.

For once he is glad Seth is upstairs sleeping. He needs the quiet. Seth was always quiet now and that bothered Ryan, because Seth was never quiet. It was eerie when Seth was quiet. The only time in Seth's life when Seth didn't ramble was when something was wrong.

Ryan knew. He knew what he was thinking about. His mother dying, it was evident upon his face.

He shifts in his seat and pulls out a cigarette from the pack that he managed to buy from the shabby gas station just outside of Newport.

His thoughts range from happiness because Kirsten was okay, the twins were okay, for now. His family was okay…for now.

He doesn't want to think about the bad right now. Not when they just got good news.

Not yet… eventually, but not yet.

He inhales his cigarette, listening softly as the embers burn and the ocean waves echo is his ears.

He only hopes the best has yet to come.

XxXxX

The small trip to see the twins had exhausted her. As she eases on her side with the nurses and her husbands help, she fell into a drowsy state, gazing up at him with pale colored eyes, mirrored by his own as he stared back with a sympathetic but loving smile on his face.

She gave him such a small smile anyone else would have missed it.

"You look so tired Sandy," her voice is faint and she reaches out faintly, her hand trembling for his.

"You're so beautiful, honey," he says softly as he holds her small hand in his.

A small but brilliant rush of color tinges her cheeks and she beams softly at him. She knows how she truly looks.

Pale. _Like death is already at her door. _

Dark haunting, circles under her eyes. _Like a battered woman with black eyes._

Frail, thin, weak. _Like an elderly woman. _

Dark blue, lifeless, eyes. _Like the dead._

But she accepts his compliment and squeezes his hand while suddenly sucking in her breath as an unexpected sting roars up her spine.

With each painful heartbeat the pain pulsates up and down so she holds her breath. The needles that are stabbing her in the back never lessen, they only get more intense. She wants them to stop.

Nothing can make them stop.

His hand tightens automatically upon hers and from her grip he can tell how much misery she is in. Her knuckles that clutch the bedrail are ghastly and white, as her hands tremble.

It hurts so horrificallybad in her back that it makes her nauseous.

Her eyes close. She makes a deal with God, begging him to make this stop. She has to stop making these deals because she is getting to the point where she is running out of things that she can promise.

The needles turn into razor blades as they continuously rush up and down. Holding her breath didn't make them go away and now they pulse more rapidly then her own heartbeat.

Her eyes are closed firmly, she's holding her breathagain because it hurts to breathe as well, her teeth locked so forcefully they grind together as the pain rivets down her body.

Suddenly, it eases, just as quickly as it came.

It passes or if it doesn't it has dulled down significantly.

Her grip loosens and she sighs slowly, softly.

When she opens her eyes again there are tears in the dark depths and only she knows how bad it hurts, how much it constantly aches, how much it throbs, how much the muscles spasm, how stressed her body is constantly.

How weak she has become.

He moves his chair closer to her, sitting as close to the bed as humanly possible.

She eases on her back as he lies as near to the bed as possible, his arms open and inviting as she scoots as close as she can to him, and somehow their little arrangement works as she nuzzles his shoulder, her hand clasped tightly around his.

Her drowsy eyes close and little by little her breathing slowly eases into steady, rhythmic breaths.

XxXxX

The twins were doing well. So well in fact that if they kept up the pace of weight gaining - within two weeks they were allowed to go home.

When the nurse told him this his jaw dropped. She was here to check on Kirsten's vitals but she kept him regularly informed on their little ones.

How, in the world, was he going to manage two infant children, a sick wife, two teenage boys, and a job?

He couldn't.

He wasn't superman, and just trying to deal with Kirsten and how sick she was had already become was wearing him down to his very weary soul.

How sick she would become was a question he didn't even want to think about.

How was he going to take care of the two infants that would undoubtedly wake him up every few hours for feeding?

For the first time in a long time Sandy feels completely helpless. He shivers as the fear of hopelessness courses through him, the fear of the unknown.

The fear of her dying.

Her soft, uneven breaths tickled against his collarbone, he felt his eyes close drowsily and he couldn't help but tell himself he would nap for five minutes.

Five minutes never hurt anyone.

XxXxX

_An early morning phone call startled Kirsten awake with a jump. Who is calling this early and why? _

"_Mom?" _

"_Allie? Where are you!" Kirsten groans dazedly when she looks at the clock as it glares back at her 3:31 a.m. _

_Her heart thudded in her chest. Three thirty? Oh God, what happened? Sandy rolled over groggily and sat up quickly as soon as he heard Kirsten call, "Allie." _

_The loud music was distracting. Surely her daughter wasn't in her room and calling her._

"_Mom? Can you come pick me up? Please…I'm so sorry. Please don't tell Daddy," her daughter's normally strong voice was soft and slightly slurred. She was scared. _

_Her mother would be mad._

_Her father would be pissed. _

_Kirsten knew instantly. _

_Party. _

_Snuck out of the house. _

_Grounded. _

_**FOREVER. **_

"_Where are you, Allie?" Kirsten held her hand up to Sandy who was practically begging to get the phone and find out where his daughter was. _

"_Kirsten? Is she okay?" his voice is quiet and concerned. _

"_Mom? Can you hear me? I'm over Riley's house….Riley Stewart," her voice dropped low and she instantly knew from the silence over the phone her mother was mad. _

_Riley Stewart. _

_She mouthed to him, 'She's at a party…Riley Stewart.'_

_His eyes got wide and he asked again if she was okay, again begging for the phone with his hand. _

_Kirsten nodded, looking worried as she brushed her hair out of her face with one hand. He couldn't take not knowing what was going on, so he shifts behind her, putting his chin on her shoulder, tilting his head to the phone. His nervous hands then pulled her close, eavesdropping on the conversation. _

_The one person they had warned the twins to stay away from. He had a bad rap of doing and selling large amounts of Ecstasy. _

_It was no problem for Kaden who was an athlete. But Allie had some sort of goofy attraction to this loser. _

_Riley Stewart. Water polo champ. Riley Stewart, cute kid, likes to date girls, get what he needs from them and then leave them. _

_Riley Stewart. _

_Their daughter was grounded until she was fifty. _

"_Allie. Wait for me outside, don't you dare attempt to drive." _

"_I won't…" not bothering to correct her mother that she was already indeed waiting outside and she couldn't even walk, let alone drive._

_She hung up the phone while quickly throwing on a sweatshirt and sweatpants. _

"_You sure you don't want me to go?" She shook her head blond hair swirling about, "Check on our son, Sandy. If they're both out, I swear to God, they will never leave this house!" _

_Kirsten made it in record time. Exactly ten minutes, give or take. _

_Her daughter was sitting on the steps as Kirsten stepped out, and rushed over to her, her motherly instincts on overdrive. _

_Her daughter's red, glazed eyes looked up at her cautiously. _

"_Mom? I'm so sorry. Please, really, I'm sorry," she looked so small sitting there with blond hair falling down into her blue hazy eyes. _

"_I know honey, let's get you home and we'll talk about it tomorrow, okay? Are you okay? You didn't take any pills or anything?" _

_She nodded 'no' miserably as she stood up slowly. _

"_Mom you didn't tell Daddy did you?" Kirsten pulled her close, reassuring herself that she was okay. _

_She quickly ran a hand through her daughters blond hair. "No sweetie. Let's just get you home." _

_The light in the kitchen was on. _

_Her father was up._

_Allie shrank visibly in her seat. _

_She was in deep trouble. _

"_He's going to be so mad," she whispered quietly averting her tired eyes from her mother's concerned blues._

"_No honey, he's just disappointed." _

"_That's even woooorse!" She groaned._

_Kirsten didn't comment. _

_Kirsten turns off the new SUV before walking over to the passenger side and walking with Allie to the door who stumbled slightly. _

_They didn't even have to touch the handle as it magically flew open. _

_Sandy stood, eyebrow raised, his eyes darting from his wife to his drunken, barely just turned sixteen-year-old baby girl. _

_He said nothing. _

_This made it even worse. _

_She saw the disappointment on his face and her tears started flowing down her flushed cheeks. "Daddy, I'm so sorry." _

_He cleared his throat and she hung her head, expecting a scolding, or yelling, or something. _

_But he said nothing of the sort. _

"_Go to bed Alexandria.. We'll talk in the morning," his voice was cool, calm, collected. It made her worry and cry even harder. _

_Kirsten looked at him, urging him to get through to his daughter. _

"_I'm sorry," she whispers again, her clouded blue eyes looking up at him from underneath the blond, messy hair. _

"_I know. We'll talk tomorrow," he kisses her head and she wraps her arms around him tightly. "Go to bed Alexandria," his voice is chilly and she understands. _

_Disappointment. It's better for your parents to be completely pissed at you then to be disappointment. _

_She frowns at this and slowly walks up the stairs to her bedroom. Her mother is behind her, hand on her back, making sure she doesn't fall backwards. _

_As her daughter changes clothes, Kirsten gets her some Tylenol and water, waiting until she settles into her bed before handing the drugs and water wordlessly to her. _

_Kirsten pulls the covers up and sits on the bed with her teenage daughter, smiling softly and she closes her eyes against her mother's tender touch. _

"_I'm glad you called me sweetheart." _

_She nods. _

"_You don't understand how much we love you baby-girl. You don't understand what we would do if we ever lost you." _

_A shadowy figure appeared in the doorway and Sandy listened as his wife talked to their daughter. _

"_I know." _

"_No, Bella, you don't." _

_She raised her head from the pillow and looked at her father as he walked over to her bed, before sitting beside his wife. _

"_You don't know how bad you scared us tonight, the phone ringing at three in the morning? You know the first thought that ran through my mind?" _

_She shook her head slowly. _

"_I thought something that happened to you. Or your brother. Or Seth and Ryan. Our first thoughts are of you guys, and you don't realize that. Do you know how lost we would feel if we lost you?" _

_She shakes her head again. _

"_Neither do we and we don't ever want to find out." _

_Her father smiled at her lightly, "Go to sleep baby-girl." _

"_Okay Daddy," she whispers softly, reminding him of that seven-year-old who was afraid of monsters. _

_He leaned up and kissed her forehead before taking his wife's hand and letting her lead him out of the bedroom, shutting the door behind him gently. _

"_She's grounded." _

"_Yep." _

"_Until she is eighty." _

"_Sandy! She knows she's done wrong." _

_He smiles at her, "I know, but it doesn't change the fact of what she has done and how much trust she has broken."_

"_Kaden?" She asks quietly. _

"_Sleeping, and after today's game I don't think he will wake up until two tomorrow afternoon. At least it's Sunday so the poor kid can rest."_

_She leans her head against his shoulder. "Let's go to bed, you cruel punisher, you!" _

_He chuckles, "You want to see how cruel I can be?" _

_She smiles at him. "Maybe…" _

XxXxX

It's a moan that awakes him from his deep sleep and frightening realistic dream. Twins. Both of them at sixteen? Oh God.

Her forehead is hot and she is withering in sweat.

Her fever is back with full force.

"Sandy… there is a huge spider," she whispers pointing to the side of the bed. Her eyes are wide as her imagination takes flight.

He looks and knows nothing is there.

"Close your eyes honey. Just close your eyes."

She does as she is told, shivering against him. "So cold Sandy… Mmm God it's cold… big spider."

"I know honey. The nurse will bring more blankets, okay? The spider is gone sweetie."

"Good. I hate them, I hate being cold…" her teeth chatter together as she clings to his shirt.

"I know honey."

"So cold, Sandy….Freezing…"

_Hallucinations. _

_Delirious. _

_Damn fever. _

He kisses her warm forehead as she shivers in his arms and waits for the nurse.

He doesn't even want to imagine next week.

XxXxX


End file.
